Are children collateral damage in a divorce?

Yes

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by Daniel Relph

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Yes, children are collateral damage in a divorce. Children are the ones who suffer the most. They tend to think of themselves as the cause of the divorce and wonder what they did wrong. They also wonder why doesn't Daddy / Mommy love me? Then there is the economic fallout. Children of divorced parents tend to end up poorer and often end up suddenly living at poverty levels.

All children make mistakes and have their own discipline problem. It isn't uncommon for these problems to ignite disagreements between the parents. Things like, why isn't Johnny doing the dishes? Or maybe, who forgot to take out the dog? These fights really have nothing to do with the children, but the children often feel that they do. These feelings of false guilt, are often aggravated by the parents, when the children become the objects of wrath emanating from the anger the parents have with each other.

And then one of the parents has to leave the house. The child feels abandoned by that parent. The person that they knew since birth has left the house. The person that told them what to do and help them is gone. The person that they grew up loving is no longer there. Who can blame them from feeling broken hearted?

Then there is the problem of ending up living at a lower economic level. The children are often forced to step down in economic class. They lose many of their privileges. College is out of the question. Child support is not enough to cover the loss of income caused by the loss of a parent. After all, the lost parent has to setup a new household and may have lost their job and credit rating because of the divorce.

Yes, the children suffer because of the divorce. The divorce is not caused by the children. All divorces are caused by one or both, of the misbehavior of the parents. It is the parent's responsibility to maintain a loving relationship. If the marriage breaks down it is because of what one or usually both of parents have done. Marriages are like cars; they must be maintained to function correctly. It takes two determined people to stay married. If one or both parents lack in determination the loving relationship they have will dissipate.

Like a car that has missed too many oil changes and ends up with a seized engine, a broken marriage will end up stalled, needing repair. At that point one has to ask, can the marriage be fixed? Just as a car that needs an engine replaced will probably end up in the junk yard, the marriage will probably end up in divorce. At that point the children are already suffering and the parents are both acting like fools.

Then the question of saving the marriage should become, what will be best for the children? More often the question becomes, who is moving out? At that time the sins of the parents come to rest on the backs of the children. The children and their welfare should always be considered first before the question of divorce; but, one should never forget that a divorce often mitigates the suffering of the children.

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