Is it okay to snoop in your teen's business?

Yes

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by Sylvia Harrison

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Privacy is not just an adult right. If your teen is minding the rules, getting his chores finished, doing passable in school, and is, generally, a well balanced person, then he deserves his privacy.

Here comes the "however" part, though. If your teen is not minding the rules and you feel he may be getting into trouble either in school, with drugs, drinking, sneaking out at night, etc., then he loses a lot of those adult rights he has. If he will not discuss things with you as he did only a few months ago and you have lost track of who his friends are, you may have a problem you are totally unaware of.

The most important part of being the parent of a teen is trying to keep him safe. If he is "acting out" or becoming "sneaky" about phone calls, where he goes, who he's with, etc., it is not only your right but your duty as a parent to figure out just what is going on in his life. If this means snooping in his book bag, his room, his pockets, then you need to snoop. You can try the direct approach first. Let him know that you are concerned and what your concerns are. If he will open up and talk with you and it sets your mind at ease, that may be all you need. However, if he gets belligerent, obnoxious, etc., talking is not going to work. Finding out what is going on in any way you can will at least give you a leg up in dealing with any situation that might be arising.

How you handle what you find out from your snooping is going to be the real problem. Do you confront him? Do you just sit back and watch? Depending on what the issues are, you may be safe in watching for awhile. If the issues are serious ones you need to find a way to get him to open up about them. If you go head-to-head he is going to close you out completely. You will need to find a way to "reach" him by discussing something similar that "happened to someone else" or find a friend, teacher, etc., who can perhaps find ways to discuss the issues he is dealing with.

If he will not listen, will not talk, will not open up: Let him know that you care about him. Let him know you are guessing that a situation is occuring and what you feel it might be. Let him know, up front, that you are there for him. You are there to listen, talk, and help him deal with anything he needs help with. Also, take the time to go over the ground rules for the freedoms that he has. You cannot accuse him of anything if you have no proof. (You do NOT want to use anything you have found snooping as proof unless you absolutely have to!) Tell him you will continue to trust him but if he gives you any reason at all not to, his rights and freedoms will begin to be withdrawn.

You must stand behind what you say! If you say you will be forgiving, even if you have to take away freedoms, for heaven sake, forgive him! Do not let him convince you that you are wrong if you know you are right. Instead of allowing him the freedom to go out in the evenings, advise him his "friends" can come to your place. And be sure you are there to supervise. (NOT INTERFERE, JUST SUPERVISE). If he doesn't like it, he will open up or begin to deal with his issues differently. Most likely he will not say thank you. But, if you give him the rules that will help him deal with friends or issues he is having a hard time dealing with, he will be grateful. You will be
saving "face" for him and giving him an option to be part of the group AND do what he knows is right.

Being the parent of a teen is hard work. Sometimes you need to use anything and everything you have on hand to understand your child and know how to lead him. It takes time out of your day and your evening. But, once you get him talking, it will be time well spent. Trust him until you can't. Then snoop if you must.

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