Should you be friends with an ex-girlfriend?

Yes

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by T. Scott Randolph

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You are in love. You will be with her for the rest of your life. You have talked about marriage and all the goodies that go with that. You are even that guy, the one that holds her purse at the mall while she looks at clothes or uses the restroom. Then in the midst of all this happiness, reality rears it's ugly head. A fight breaks out (let's be honest guys, usually it is something that we have or haven't done), it spirals out of control and before you know it, you are single again.

Should you still be friends with your ex-girlfriend? Why wouldn't you. Obviously you have a lot in common or you wouldn't have been in a relationship. Many times I have found myself in the position that a girl and myself make wonderful friends but lousy lovers.

There are two basic ways that you can look at this very common situation. The first one is the pessimistic and paranoid view. Since you were in a relationship with this woman, especially if you lived together you will know a lot about each other. If you don't happen to be the poster child for the ideal citizen and humanitarian in general, you may not want to have a jaded woman with this knowledge. The old saying that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned can really come into play at this point. The obvious answer to this is to not be a shady person. Follow the rules and you won't have anything to worry about. Unfortunately, most of us break a few small rules here and there. It is much easier to stay friends and not have to worry about it. Like I said this is the paranoid reason, not by any means the correct reason.

The more important reason is you were in a relationship with this woman. This means that you had feelings for her. More than likely very strong emotions, or they would not have been a girlfriend (I am not referring to High School 2 week romances here). Just because the intimate part of the relationship didn't work out, this doesn't mean that all the feelings are gone. If you remain friends you can still care for this person. If they need help or support in any way, even emotional, you can be there for her. After all, you do know her. You would be surprised how much it will help a friend if you just lend an ear for them to vent and to be a confident. You have to hold up your end of this bargain as well. If they want it kept as secret then go with their wishes.

It has been my experience that you can't break up on Friday and still be friends on Sunday morning. Like anything else, you will need closure. The deeper the emotional bonds, usually the longer you will need for the closure to be complete. I completely practice what I preach with this. Of all my serious relationships (those that lasted for at least 2 years) I am friends with all but 3 of the girls. As a matter of fact, my best friend in the world is an ex girlfriend. We dated for almost 5 years before we broke it off for good. We talk every couple of days. We vent to each other, give each other advice (yes even on current relationships) and it works out fine. She has a special place in my heart.

Take the time apart that you both need. Unless the breakup was really bad, don't write a good thing out of your life forever. Keep a friendship that is beneficial to both parties. You will be surprised at how much it can approve your quality of life in general.

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