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Should you be friends with an ex-girlfriend?
Results so far:
| Yes | 52% | 586 votes | Total: 1124 votes | |
| No | 48% | 538 votes |
Yes
by Rebecca Adele Scarlett
Created on: August 09, 2010
Relationships don't always end in a fury of fights and tears. Although it may not happen often, sometimes two people are actually mature enough to realize that they are not good relationship material. Or maybe they realize that they are great relationship material now (great chemistry, have lots of fun) but won't be in the long run (one wants kids and the other doesn't, or one wants to settle in the country while the other can't bear to leave the city and neither can compromise.) Relationships can, and do, end civilly, and in these cases there is no reason why a person cannot continue to be friends with an ex-girlfriend.
Although most women are suspicious if a man hangs out one-on-one with an ex-girlfriend on a regular basis, it shows maturity if you are enough of a friend with your ex that you can be at the same party without having it be awkward or someone making a scene. In this sense, you aren't best buddies, but you can hang out with a group of mutual friends and have a good time.
Actually, if the both of you really are over each other emotionally (and the hard part is being honest with yourself about that) there are several really good reasons to stay friends with an ex.
Date for Formal Functions
If you have a work dinner or some other event to attend where you are expected to bring a date, but you haven't formed a new relationship yet, your ex can be a big help. You don't look like someone who can't get a date, and your ex can help you find an outfit that makes you look attractive and professional to make a good impression on your boss or the company executive you may never get a chance to impress again.
Sex
Let's face it, a lot of people sleep with their exes until they find a new relationship. In this day and age, women use this strategy just as much as men to fulfill their needs without going to a bar and taking a stranger home, so as long as you and your ex are on the same page (and over each other) you don't have to feel like you're "using" her. You could try to pick up a strange girl at a bar, which may involve picking up a few things you don't want, like an STD, or, you could booty-call your ex-girlfriend, who already knows how to make you happy. No-brainer, right?
Honest Relationship Advice
Your ex can help you pick out the perfect gift for a new girl, if you're the type who just can't seem to buy the right present on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. She can even help you plan the perfect romantic evening. Of course, just like everything else, this only works if you are truly over each other and there is no jealousy. Ex-girlfriends will always be honest, too. She may have told white lies while you were dating to spare your feelings, but if you call her up now and say "hey, I think Alice doesn't like my kissing, am I a bad kisser?" you're likely to get an honest answer such as "well, I never wanted to say anything, but I always kind of felt like I was being slobbered on. Why don't you try something else instead?" This can really help you pick up your game with new girls.
There are lots of reasons that you should stay friends with an ex-girlfriend, as long as you're both mature enough to handle it.
Learn more about this author, Rebecca Adele Scarlett.
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No
by Christine Costlow
Created on: December 08, 2009 Last Updated: December 09, 2009
So that girl who thinks you aren't good enough to date has decided that she wants to be your friend. Are you having trouble deciding whether to hang out with her, or let the relationship die a natural death? Here are a few points to consider.
She will probably still expect you to pay for things when the two of you go out together. Maybe not everything, but it will most likely not be an equally shared arrangement. She will also diminish your chance to meet a girl who will actually want to date you. Her presence will tell any quality women that you have a stable of "old friends" that can disrupt your present relationship at any time. News flash: most women don't like the ex-girlfriends hanging around, texting, calling, or visiting you at work. It tends to make us think that you're a player.
Your friends will wonder what's wrong with you. Any fights that you publicly aired will hang in the forefront of their minds. Why does he hang out with a girl who treated him so badly? they'll wonder. You'll also be privy to any relationships that she starts with your friends. Wouldn't you rather be able to pretend that their relationship behind your back has hurt your feelings? Who knows, the fact that your buddy is dating your ex might really turn out to be offensive to you. You can't complain if you were sitting there, watching it unfold, and said nothing.
Your relationship established patterns of behavior that you might want to change in the future. If every Friday night was Chinese takeout night, wouldn't you like to shake things up a bit? Continuing to do the things that you liked to do as a couple, will just create expectations of "couple style" behaviors. If you guys were good at this, wouldn't you still be dating? Do you want to continue to listen to her opinions on her family, job and fashion that bored you in the first place? Remember, there's a girl out there for you. She doesn't act like this one, or you'd still be together. Why continue to behave as if this girl was an acceptable life companion?
Wait a minute, you say. I don't want to hang out with her every day. I just want to be able to pass her on the street without having to pretend that I was so absorbed in a shop window that I didn't even see her. That would be fine, but it needs to be explained right up front. Women often use the "friends" gambit when they aren't sure that she should've broken up with you in the first place. Sometimes, she will want you back if the present guy she broke up with you for, doesn't turn out to be Prince Charming. If you don't mind hanging out as Plan B, go ahead. Just know what you're getting into.
If you were the one who caused the breakup, ask yourself why she still wants the contact with you. Better yet, ask her. Sometimes, a psychological problem can lead to difficulty letting go. Far better to end it cleanly, than deal with hurt feelings, recriminations, or threatening behavior. If you aren't sure what you are dealing with, contact her family for insight. They may have been though this with her before.
Sometimes it is possible to be good friends with an ex girlfriend. This usually happens in a format where the two of you have a specialized hobby that not too many people participate in. If you can limit your contact to club events, or special occasions where other people are present, you are less likely to have problems. Take my advice, and move forward with your life. Get out there and make some new mistakes!
Learn more about this author, Christine Costlow.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
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