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Is it possible to be friends with your past boyfriend/girlfriend?
Results so far:
| Yes | 54% | 713 votes | Total: 1327 votes | |
| No | 46% | 614 votes |
Yes
by P Reddy
Created on: December 02, 2009 Last Updated: December 03, 2009
Relationships aren't cut and dry, and so the issue of remaining friends with your ex-partner can go either way. Some people cannot remain friends, but it is possible to maintain a friendship if both parties are willing to make a concerted effort and consider a few things.
A large part of it is how the relationship was and how it ended. If it was one full of unhappiness and abuse, cheating and was followed by a bad break-up, it is unlikely both spouses will be able to forgive and forget past injustices. If you outgrew each other and parted on mutual terms you have a higher chance of maintaining a friendship.
If you are the dumpee, you may find it hard to swallow you ex wants to spend time with you in a platonic manner.
Consider whether either party still has feelings for the other. If this is the case it may be wise to put dreams of friendship on the back burner until those feelings are gone. Seeing each will either lead to hurt feelings or getting involved in the relationship again. Some may consider reconciling a good thing but if the problems that brought you apart are not resolved the next break up could be harder and eliminate any chance of friendship.
Don't offer your friendship as a consolation prize due to the guilt of ending a relationship, decide whether this is someone you want to have in your life because you like them, want to spend time with them and can see yourself having a friendship with if you weren't dating each other first.
Often the first attempts at meeting for coffee will not go smoothly and may result is arguments or uncomfortable, awkward moments but if it is truly your intention to get past it keep trying.
However, sometimes it's best to call it quits. If your break-up was not mutual, if you still have feeling for your ex and if you will find it difficult to move on it may be best to leave it in the past. Also if your relationship was physically or emotionally abusive do not go back for more. Think about the nature of your exes personality now that your rose colored glasses are off. Are they are good person or a bad mistake your friends and family were right about?
Both decisions are not easy roads to take but whichever you decide enter it cautiously and armed with information.
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No
by Freyda Tartak
Created on: October 27, 2009
While it is true that some people make better friends than lovers, chances are that if there is any doubt in your mind it probably is not a good idea to pursue a friendship. Many people go the route of trying to stay friends when, in reality, they are simply grasping at straws that will keep their ex in their lives.
The hardest thing to do is let go of somebody you still care about. Even if the relationship ended badly, and for very good reasons. The fact remains that you had and likely continue to have strong feelings for each other. If the relationship had any element of sexuality attached to it, this is unlikely to fizzle as quickly as the reasons to stay together.
As a result, that tension will build and you will either end up sleeping together again or have to deal with watching them become involved with other people. Not everybody can put aside those nagging feelings of ownership. Even though logically you know they have every right to move on, and you really do want them to be happy, you know you were there first and will always miss the quiet romantic moments, even if few and far between.
It is not easy for anybody to see their ex suddenly looking at somebody else the way they used to look at you. It is all too easy to put everything aside and wallow in regret. Ultimately, such friendships are doomed to failure.
Although there are many people who do become friends after they used to be lovers, these are typically people who were never able to connect on the emotional level that you were able to reach with your ex. They became friends after some time apart and fell into friendship once they had both moved on, even becoming friends with each other's spouses.
The main point in all of this is: When in doubt, do without. In other words, if you are asking the question, the answer may be a hard pill to swallow but, exactly what the doctor ordered. This may have been your best friend, and now that they are not in your life anymore there is an understandably large void to fill. But, this void cannot be filled by them.
During this time of separation and healing you need a friend to lean on and go through the various stages of healing. You need to cry and be angry, and so on. Find a different shoulder or write in a journal. It doesn't make much sense to use the very person you are trying to heal from as your rock and foundation.
Learn more about this author, Freyda Tartak.
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