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| Yes | 95% | 260 votes | Total: 273 votes | |
| No | 5% | 13 votes |
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Trust and respect are at the very core of any worthwhile relationship. Our most important and intimate relationships are build on trust and respect and without these two ingredients a relationship is doomed to suffer if not fail. Yet daily, somewhere a couple's relationship suffers because one party or the other in a relationship does the one thing that is certain to destroy trust and leave their partner feeling disrespected. They lie.
People lie for different reasons. Some lie to avoid facing the consequences of something they have done, or because it seems more convenient than telling the truth. Others lie in the hope of sparing someones feelings. No matter what the reason for lie, these people do not understand what the long term affect of their actions have on the person being lied to may be.
Telling a lie to someone who trusts you makes them doubt everything you have said in the past or will say in the future. Once you lie to someone who cares for you they must look at everything you say with suspicion never quite knowing whether they can take you at face value or not.
Doubting someone you love puts a strain on the relationship that never quite goes away. The person being lied too may feel the need to verify everything you say to them. Over time, this erodes the relationship. While one partner gets weary of not being able to trust their partner, the other partner begins to weary of never being trusted. Arguments can ensure, and even acting out of anger and a sense of frustration may occur making it even harder for trust to be reestablished.
The person who is telling the lie may have done so out of a fear of losing the respect of the person they have lied too. Never realizing that the lying itself will have the same affect they fear the truth may have had. They don't realize it is difficult to continue respecting someone who lies to you.
They also don't realize that lying to their partner is a sign of disrespect towards their partner. The person being lied to is well aware of the lack of respect inherent in the action however, and feels that they were undeserving of such blatant disrespect. Anger and hurt feelings over this disrepect further corrode the relationship
So, how does a couple regain the trust and respect they lost when one of them has lied.
The first step is for the person who was lied to to accept that the lie was not told out of a desire to hurt you. The person who lied was feeling trapped, confused, or fearful and could not think of any way out of the situation.
You need to know and understand why your partner felt the need to lie in the first place.
Before confronting your partner you need to carefully analysis your own behavior and determine if there is something in your demeanor that has given your partner the message that you may be less than accepting of the truth in any situation. Many times unconsciously, we send messages to others about what we consider acceptable and unacceptable making lying to us more preferable than telling the truth.
For example: If your husband stops occasionally for a beer with the guys and is berated for doing so he is more likely to lie and say he had to work late than risk being condemned for what he views as a harmless activity.
A wife who is constantly criticized for spending too much time with her parents or siblings may feel the need to lie and say there was a long line at the market.
In these kinds of cases rather than rant about the behavior, speak to your partner and strike a compromise before the situation escalates to the point where lies are necessary to protect oneself from what the the person views as unreasonable criticism. Avoiding putting your partner in a situation where they feel they need to lie is the first step in correcting the behavior.
Making the person who lied feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth about anything is the first step in stopping the lying and reestablishing the trust and respect that is essential to your relationship.
Once you are sure that nothing in your behavior precipitated the lie, then you need to calmly set down with your partner and discuss his reasons for telling the untruth. If the reasons why the person felt the need to lie is buried in their past assuring them that the situation you have with them is different may be all it takes to correct the problem.
Other times, when lying has become a way of life counseling may be needed to help correct the situation.
What is important is provide as safe an atmosphere as possible for your partner to feel comfortable telling the truth. Be open and honest with them about how their lying affects you and your relationship and try to give them the support they need to change their behavior so that you can once again share a truly intimate relationship based on trust and respect.
Learn more about this author, Martie Lownsberry.
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No
Relationships are about emotion. What draws us to another individual and makes us emotionally committed to that person has nothing to do with truth or lies. It is has everything to do with our perception of that person and the things that they do or do not do. Every action and word has an impact and the effect of that impact is only as great as the extent to which it is felt.
Have you ever had a friend for whom another person could do no wrong? True intimacy can see no fault and if the intimacy is genuine it may be neccessary to lie every so often to protect or defend that which is held dear. The friend may not see any fault in the actions of the other person because for them it would be unbearable to have to part with that person. Or, it could be more complicated. How we value others is how we see ourselves. To doubt or mistrust a beloved is to tear away the fabric of what defines us as individuals.
Honesty is always the best policy and the truth always has a way of coming out. Everybody knows that. But, consider the other side of the coin. We only know what we know and what may be true today could also prove to be incomplete or inaccurate tomorrow. Silence can also be considered a form of lying. But, there are times in life when not knowing something is better than knowing. There are horrible situations that once disclosed must be dealt with. Perhaps it is not the worst thing to keep certain things unsaid and undone. Is full disclosure always the best route or is there place for a need-to-know approach?
There are also cycles to consider. Relationships and people rotate in cycles of dysfunction and disrepair. To be honest all the time is to stay locked in a cycle. Shifting gears and moving forward may be the only way to move forward. "Honey, did you enjoy what I made for dinner?" This may seem like an innocent question but, consider that food is part of the most significant relationships we partake in. To insult a person's abilities in the kitchen throws doubt on their ability to provide and sustain the family. Would it really harm the intimacy in the relationship to complement the chef rather than poke holes in their self-esteem as a valuable member of society? Would it not do less harm to swallow that sense of commitment to always telling the truth and simply be supportive?
Yes, taken to extremes lying can affect a relationship. But, so can telling the truth. Even the most noble lie. Parents lie, spouses lie, children lie, teachers lie, doctors lie, world leaders lie. Is it always a bad thing? No.
Learn more about this author, Freyda Tartak.
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