Yes

by Jane Kay

Created on: November 20, 2009

Is Manliness Obsolete?

From Merriam-Webster:

Manliness: 1 : having qualities generally associated with a man : strong, virile
2 : appropriate in character to a man

Note that aside from strong and virile, the rest of the definition is pretty ambiguous and completely subjective, based upon what each individual considers "manly" qualities.

I'm writing an article on the "yes" portion of the debate because my definition of manliness is indeed becoming extinct. What I grew up thinking was a good man, and what I found quite often in the past has been replaced with a more generic, weaker version. (Before your crucify me, believe me; I don't think women are like women anymore either, but that's another article, gentlemen.)
I mostly blame the feminist movement for this.

By attempting to make everything so equal between men and women that are so fundamentally different, we've mixed up the two genders too much that there is no clear line between a man and a woman, except biologically. Generally speaking, I feel women are more intelligent than men. Sorry, boys, but we don't ever have a moment when we are quite literally thinking of "nothing" at all, and that in itself puts us miles ahead of you. But despite this belief, I don't believe women should do everything men do. There are things in life that are best left to good man, if you have one. The mere fact that you can do it too, and that you might even do it better doesn't mean you should do it. (Now, my apologies to women; yes, I am aware that I am the feminist movement's worst nightmare, with legs.)

I am firm believer in roles. People have responsibilities, and within reason, have to be left to fulfill them. Just because my husband can cook better than I can doesn't really mean he should ban me from the kitchen when I so want to cook for the family. Just because I can fix a toilet better than a master plumber doesn't mean I should snatch a wrench out of my boyfriend's hands and do it myself. In this regard, I feel we've stripped men of their identity, changing the entire definition of manliness, and thereby making it obsolete.

The rest, I blame on men. Shame on you, for letting one movement so easily claim your identities and roles, for letting a shift in roles affect your character and traits!

I am all for evolvement of societies. I believe people need to change to accommodate the times, but I miss meeting old-fashioned men. Every once in awhile when I come across a man of varying age that has what I consider to be truly manly qualities, I have to admire him, even if he is regarded as "old-school" by his friends and colleagues.

So the remainder of this article will describe what I consider to be manliness; in other words, what I consider to be - a man.

A man is someone who wants to protect the things he loves, including his woman, his children, his home, his life. Chances are high that I will never be mugged, never be raped, and my life may never be at risk by some crazed murderer, so it's obviously not that kind of protection I need. What I want to feel is that this man WOULD protect me; but I am aware he will almost never need to protect me. I want him to value our life together, the things we have together, and the home we have; instill in me the feeling that he will go to any lengths to protect what we have built.

A man works to provide financially, but provides security. I rarely find it to any serious degree, but I want a man who makes me feel secure. I don't care if that security is real or not, I merely want to feel secure, that no matter what, he will take care of me.

Keep in mind this is not about how much money he makes. Perhaps I will never be able to not work and just stay at home painting my nails all day on his income, but it's the feeling that if and when I want to, he would support me in that decision. I want to feel like he's the type who would take on a second job to enable me to stay home and paint my nails all day long. That security is priceless.

I miss the days when men would avoid crying in public. I've seen many of my male friends cry, and it disturbs me on a fundamental level. I cry all the time, so I realize this is completely hypocritical, but this is my article, and this is how I feel. I don't kid myself into thinking no man cries; I know they do. I just don't really need to see it. When a parent dies or if something tragic happens, I absolutely don't mind. But if it's because of a movie, or because of a breakup or hard situation - I feel truly disturbed. I don't like it.

The real man, to me, can belittle himself to want nothing more than what the woman he loves wants. How convenient for me, huh? I agree. But how much I can respect a man who will go to these lengths to secure their woman's happiness is ridiculous. People, by nature, are selfish, and when you see someone sacrifice what they want to give you what you want - I know of no truer expression of love. I will add, though, that for this man, I can give up my whole life to support him, so it's not a one-way street. Unfortunately, I've noticed that with me, I have to see that part first before I give my part. Unfair, perhaps. Like I said, this is my article.

About a year ago, I was out to dinner when two friends of ours, Tanya and Joe, a married couple, were brought up in topic. I commented on how well they were doing since marriage, and my boyfriend, much to my horror, commented that it's because Joe is "spineless". Two other men at this table nodded in agreement whereas one man had nothing to say. I asked him to explain and basically, it was that Joe would do whatever Tanya wanted, whenever she wanted, never standing up for himself.

What struck me as truly odd was that it's not like Tanya bosses Joe around. In fact, the things we're talking about here are basically small errands, or picking where to eat for dinner, or asking for help around the house. I've seen her asking Joe to get something from the second floor, or take something down to the basement, etc. We have all watched them function like this over the years, and we haven't witnessed her asking him to move mountains, rope the moon, or to take her to Bulgaria tomorrow. But the modern men at our dinner table this evening viewed Joe's willingness to do anything for Tanya as being "spineless".

So let's get this straight. These "men" can understand that whatever it is that Joe is doing makes for happy relationship and strong marriage, but label that behavior as "spineless" when it fits perfectly into my definition of a good, strong man. Naturally, since nobody wants to be "spineless", they are not going to do spineless behavior, and will not do what it takes to maintain a strong relationship.
In turn, they will display what they consider to be "manly" which is basically to stand their ground in spite of what their partner might want and not do the small things she wants or needs because doing so would make them all like Joe - spineless.

I looked around at the women at this table and realized that a couple of them were okay with the death of chivalry and the new definition of manliness. They believed in true equality. In fact, I witnessed one of them bite her boyfriend's head off when he offered to carry a shopping bag for her. I live in San Francisco; I have some truly feminist friends who think motherhood is a waste of time. I know two of the women at this table felt somewhat like I do, but I couldn't help but think that nobody grieved the death of manliness more than I did.
I miss it.

I miss the days when men would lay their coats down for women to sit on when at the park. I miss the days when it was acceptable to assume that the man was paying for a date if they asked a woman out; where there is no awkward moment at the end of the date when he wants her to offer and she wonders if he'll refuse her expected offer. I miss having a man consider me his woman, partner, and friend instead of his direct competition, a worth opponent.

Only three or four out of the hundreds of men I know open car doors for women and these four open car doors for all women, friends or girlfriends alike. Other than that, we're opening our own car doors. (At least I no longer have to reach over and unlock their door, I guess.) I miss the days when a man's mission in life was to enable their wife to stay at home, and if they failed, they felt bad for that failure. It actually pains me to hear men say that they believe women "should" work, "Why should they sit at home and do nothing and only have me work?" they will ask. Keep in mind; I'm not saying women should want to stay home. (I really wasn't born in 1930, I swear.) In fact, don't get me wrong; I don't want to stay home and absolutely want to work, but gosh, I miss the days when I felt like it was okay to not work, to be taken care of by a man, and feel like he enables you to do this because he loves you. I guess I want to hear, "If you want to stop working, you can stay home and do nothing for however long you want, honey. I'll take care of us always."

We did this to ourselves, really, and have nobody to blame. If you're going to cook, you're going to have to take the heat, and we demanded to be allowed to cook. I am excited that women have come as far as we have in the working world; but what we gained in pay, we paid for dearly in other ways.

Deep down in my heart, I have to believe that there are a substantial number of men out there (obviously not in my circle) somewhere who will stick to their ways and live to make the woman they love happy. I have to believe that there are people out there who will sacrifice their own wants to make her happy, and tolerate being called spineless by people who have no business calling themselves men in my eyes. I choose to think that there are men out there who know and understand that being a true man in their woman's eyes is really the only manliness that matter. I hope, despite evolution, that somewhere in the world, men will remain as what I consider a man should be.

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