Relationships & Family >
Marriage Psychology
Get a Widget for this title
RSS FeedCan a marriage continue without the couple being in love?
Results so far:
| Yes | 61% | 611 votes | Total: 1006 votes | |
| No | 39% | 395 votes |
Yes
Write now
Print
Invite a writer™
Add to FavoritesAh, to be in love. It is what people strive for and write songs about. Young people dream about the day they will fall in love. The inexperienced say they will always be in love with their spouse; the divorced blame their separation on falling out of love.
The mistake people make is believing they can control being in love. But being in love is a state of mind with symptoms not unlike euphoria. All you want is to be with this other person. Your whole world revolves around them. You give up sleep, friends and responsibilities to be with the person you are in love with. In your eyes, they can do no wrong.
This state of mind can not go on forever; otherwise, you would lose your job, your friends, your health and yourself. The in love stage of a relationship lasts on average two years. Therefore, it is vital to the people in the marriage that they can continue on without being in love.
When the clouds part, and you come back to earth, you need to love your spouse rather than be in love with them.
Being in love with someone really isn't a choice we make. That is why people say they fell in love or that it just happened. No one really plans it. Some people even say they weren't looking for love; it found them. In fact, when it happens, it really is something quite easy on the person.
While being in love isn't a choice, loving someone is. That is why it is so important to a marriage that the couple loves each other. It takes effort to love someone after the euphoria is gone and you find out that they leave their clothes lying around, don't like to make the bed or can't stand their mother-in-law.
Love is respecting the other person, treating them like they matter to you and allowing them to keep their little quirks that don't hurt anyone. Love is doing things for and with your spouse that they want to do even when you don't feel like it. It is sacrifice and giving of yourself.
That is why it is important to love your spouse rather than be in love with them. A relationship, especially a marriage, cannot work without effort from both people involved.
Your spouse needs to know daily that you love them. You can do this in many ways. Find time everyday to connect, even if it is just for ten minutes, with them. Speak encouraging words often; let them know they are appreciated for even the little things they do. By putting love and effort into your marriage, you can expect it to grow and flourish.
Learn more about this author, Tirzah Hawkins.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
No
I was 25 years old and stood in a back room of the church waiting anxiuosly to marry the woman who I had been with off and on through the college and career searching years of our lives, six to be exact. It was about 20 minutes before the ceremony when one of my groomsmen joined me in the room. We talked and joked about things, but then, in what seemed to be instantanious he cut his laughter and looked at me. I will never forget it. He asked me "Trav, are you sure you are doing the right thing? I mean I am not trying to be rude, but I think you are marrying out of guilt and not love." Surprisingly, I was not angered at all by this. I understood how my relationship with her could appear like that to him. Afterall, I wasn't the most faithful guy to her while attending college. Maybe there was some guilt involved with my decision, but it felt right. I stood there and told him I was good and ready to do this. Three years later I was divorced.
The saying goes if you could be on the outside looking in, then your perspective widens and you can see the entire picture. Most of us don't view things that way when it comes to are own life. Sure, we are always quick to give advice to others and their situations, but we never take our own advice. You see, my friend was right.
What my friend saw was what I already knew deep down in my heart, but would never admit. I wasn't in love with this woman, never was. Of course I loved her, but it was more in a friendship way. She was and probably still is an amazing woman, but not amazing enough for me to fall in love with her. I wanted to and tried, but it just wasn't there.
You have to understand, LOVE CANNOT BE FORCED. It is either there or it is not. So many of us spend time trying to force ourselves to be in love with someone because they are perfect in ever way. They have the perfect job, the perfect car, your parents and family love them. However, this does not make them perfect for you. You see most of us can pretend for awhile that we love someone and project the image of your life as perfect to soceity, our friends, and our family. What most don't realize that this comes back to haunt you later.
If you enter this world of pretend in your marriage then you are cheating life. You are cheating your friends, your family, that spouse you are forcing yourself to love, and most of all you are cheating YOURSELF! How you may ask are you cheating these people and yourself? Let's start with your friends and family.
Your friends and family are people that love you and care about your life. This is whether you like it or not. Don't be so selfish. If you project an image of perfection and love in your marriage that is revealed later it really doesn't exist then you should be prepared for an emotional downfall. You see what some don't understand is when you produce the image of perfection and love most of your friends use you as the example of what they want their life to be. I know this sounds obsurd, but it is true. Most friends are always happy for you to do well, but simultaneously they envy your life when they believe you have it all. Some go as far as to set unrealistic goals for themselves and their love lives based on what you have. When you reveal your marrigae was a pharce, they without a doubt will be there to support you, but many will start reflecting also on good people they may have hurt or turned away because they didn't fit the image of your life. I am not saying this is in all cases or that it is right, but the truth is this is reality.
Family is an entirely different monster. Your parents always want you to be happy. Nothing puts their mind at ease more than knowing you married a good person who is loving and cares about you. When it is revealed that you are living a lie their hearts will be broken. I know it is not their life, but you will always be their baby. They want what is best for you and they will be hurt that you felt you had to impose your lie of not being in love with your spouse on them. All they want is for you to be happy and have a life that is fulfilling and more rewarding than theirs. And god bless you should you have children.
I was fortunate enough not to have any children with my ex-wife because I couldn't imagine having my kids ever find out I was never really in love with their mother. You must understand the way you live is the way your kids perceive life. If you are living in a marriage that is not based on love, but more like a business deal then your kids believe this is how life works. No matter how many love story books, movies, or tv shows they watch, you are their number one example of daily life. A divorce may hurt them, but as you explain to them that you were not in love with your spouse and that being in love is what makes a marriage work in time they will understand. They will also value the state of marriage and be very selective and careful, making sure they are in love before they take that step of holy matrimony.
I am not sure how many people live with their spouse knowing they are not in love with them. However, I do know when the spouse finds out their significant other is not in love with them and they realize their entire life is a lie, the effects can be devistating. It is a crushing blow, but ask any of them and I bet they would rather still know then to keep living that lie. You see no one wants the one they love to not love them back, but even more than that no one wants to be a full time actor in their life. What I mean is, most of us have to put on an act throughout our day at work. Most of us view home as a sanctuary of being ourselves. In a traditional household, when we get home and take of those work shoes and clothes along with that comes the removal of the masks we have on throughout the day. If we have to continue to be actors in home too then life is no longer enjoyable. Your enitre life becomes a job. Renee Z
Now for you! God has intentions for all of us. I can guarantee that his intentions are not for you to be in a marriage without love. You are cheating your heart and your soul. We are all entitled to happiness and love. As much as you may hate to admit it, this does not come from money. This comes from your husband, your wife, your kids, your family and friends. Love is what makes this world go round. You will have the cynics that will tell you differently, but they are usually the ones who have never experienced it because they refuse to let it in their lives. You control your happiness. Your marriage cannot work if there is no love between you and your spouse. If this is a business deal, it will fail. Renee Zellweger said it best in Jerry Maguire when she stated "I am afraid we will lose the next ten years of our lives being polite." We don't have much time on this earth, so why waste it.
As for me, I have since got remarried to my beautiful wife of 3 1/2 years. My love for her is stronger than ever. Sure we have our moments where our love is tested, as do most married couples. However, I never question how much I am in love with her as I did with my first wife. We have been blessed with two amazing chidren and I will always tell them how in love I am with them and their mother.
Learn more about this author, Travis Montera.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
Difference of opinion? Debate now.
