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RSS FeedArranged marriages or love marriages, which last longer?
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| Arranged | 43% | 190 votes | Total: 440 votes | |
| Love | 57% | 250 votes |
Arranged
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Add to FavoritesWhat we can say about so-called "love" marriages is that the percentage of successes versus failures is the same as the flip of a coin. The number of divorces per marriage alone makes love marriages a losing bet in the U.S. Arranged marriages are seen by most Americans as very old school, almost primitive.
The biggest objection to arranged marriages is that it removes both love and choice from the formula. Everyone knows that Americans are rugged individualists and freedom of choice is as American as rigged elections. The idea of romantic love is also central to the American self-image. No nation on the planet is as brainwashed about romantic love than the good old U.S. of A. We took it in with our mother's milk.
The irony in all of this is that our romance with romance and our fervent belief in independence and freedom of choice is pretty much an illusion. The myth of romantic love and freedom of choice have been implanted in our wide-open brains by the mythmakers of Hollywood and Madison Avenue. The problem with our "love" marriages is that we have totally unrealistic expectations due to this brainwashing.
The "Happily ever after" myth has been around for a long time but it is primarily Americans who have swallowed it whole and have let it run their romantic lives and ruin their marriages. It isn't a question of whether love and romance are real. Love and romance are very real. It is the expectations of marriage that fail to deliver.
Through the constant bombardment of movies, TV shows, and advertising, our expectations of marriage have been raised extremely high, too high in my opinion. The idea that romantic love can last forever, or even more than a few months or a year or two, is nuts. It inevitably leads to disappointment for both partners.
A friend of mine said that sex is 90% of a relationship before marriage and 10% after. This wasn't a cynical comment on marriage. It was an acknowledgement that if a marriage is expected to survive because of romantic love and good sex, it is doomed. These are the most superficial reasons for two people to be together.
What makes arranged marriages last longer? The first thing that guarantees that arranged marriages last longer is the weight of centuries of tradition. When I was young, marriages didn't last longer because relationships were more stable. They lasted longer because divorce was such a huge taboo, and not just among Catholics. In cultures that have had arranged marriages for centuries, such marriages are seen as the norm and are accepted in the same way that going into your father's business when you grow up is accepted.
The other reason that arranged marriages last longer, and this is extremely important, is that the expectations of both parties are far lower. Every potential husband and wife in an arranged marriage hopes that his or her mate will be attractive and they will like them, be compatible with them, and perhaps even fall in love with them. Arranged marriages are not necessarily loveless marriages. Romantic love marriages, however, often turn into loveless marriages.
Entering an arranged marriage, you are culturally predisposed to accept your lot. You do not expect to marry prince charming. You only hope that he isn't a frog. And if he isn't a frog, then you feel that you have gotten a good deal. If it turns out that your mate is attractive and you actually like him or her, enjoy being with them, and find sex to be less than objectionable, you are ahead of the game.
And, as I said above, you could actually grow to love one another. In an arranged marriage, you have nowhere to go but up. In a romantic love marriage, couples often start at the top and have nowhere to go but down. The antidote to this is to make sure that you really like your mate, that you enjoy being with them, that you really can see yourself spending the rest of your life with them.
Love can last; romance, not so much. Find someone you like and you will already be ahead of the game.
Learn more about this author, Bob Trowbridge.
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Love
Nothing can beat love. Love is the fluttering of butterflies in your stomache when you see each other. It is caring for your partner so much that you would sacrifice yourself for them. Love is standing up for your partner regardless of if they wrong or right. Love is not having no arguments, but having the ability to look deeper into them and solve the disagreements that you do have. Love is many things, but above all, it is the strong desire and ache to spend your life with that person.
Now that said, of course love marriages would be stronger, but I can easily see how people would say arranged last longer; especially with the divorce rates as high as they are in today's world. That is because many of the marriages are not based on love today. So I think that this question should specify what love marriages actually are. Many people assume that a marriage has to be a love marriage if it is not arranged. Now, back in the day this would be true for the most part, but today, not so much. People get into marriage too quickly, and don't give themselves enough time to realize if they actually love their partner. Marriages are not based on love as much as lust and "crushes". Also, couples are influenced by the high divorce rates. This means that as soon as they get into a problem, they grow away from each other and don't try hard enough to solve it because they feel that divorce is okay. If so many couples are divorces, then what's wrong with me getting a divorce? Nothing if you already tried any way possible of saving your marriage. But many people don't try hard enough. If they can so easily move on from their spouse, can it be true that they actually had love going on in the first place? That's a question that stays unanswered.
Arranged marriages may develop into love marriages, but that's not a certainty. However, if the couple had an arranged marriage, and didn't really have their say in who they would be marrying, they are more likely to stay together because if it wasn't their choice to get married to each other, would it still be their choice to quickly get seperated? It's a tough question, and I don't really know that much about arranged marriages, so I don't want to judge that.
Although there may be some pattern in which marriages last longer, I think that it totally depends on the couple and their personalities and how well they fit together. I have known couples that had an arranged marriage that have grown so close, that they may have more love than a couple that started out with just love. But I have also witnessed couples get married with love and keep that same love harboured in their hearts until the end of their lives. So although I said love, I really think that it is different from couple to couple. As long as there is love in the relationship, it doesn't matter how it started out.
Learn more about this author, J.K Citrus.
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