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Dealing with Problem People
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Add to FavoritesThere's a qualifying balance that we need to consider when a person repeatedly disrespects us. Do we cut all contact with them or keep them at a safe distance? The determining factors would be what affect this person has on our life and what our relationship is with them.
It's not easy to reverence someone who repeatedly belittles us with disrespect. It seems that we go out of our way to please them and yet they show no appreciation towards us. And instead, they show a complete disregard for everything we do.
Sometimes their treatment towards us can become so stressful and contemptuous that we want to just cut all contact with them. But before we do, we need to count the cost of that action.
In some cases, we can just walk away and cut all contact because the person isn't part of our life and it wouldn't be a loss to us to never see them again. When it's a new friend or store clerk or even our accountant, we can just say goodbye because they don't add to our lives. They can be replaced and we can carry on very well without them.
However, it's more often not the outsiders whose disrespect bothers us, but rather family, neighbours and co-workers. And these are the people who we struggle with the notion of cutting all contact with because they are part of our lives and their existence does affect us. We cannot just ignore them or walk away from them, but we don't want to be around them, either. So, what do we do?
When it comes to family and neighbours, we should limit our contact with them as much as possible and not initiate any conversations, yet still be polite. We should be pleasant when we greet them, send them occasion cards such as birthday or Christmas, and even wave to them when we pass them on the street.
When we're at social events and they are there, we should greet them pleasantly but limit our exposure to them to prevent any possible contention. We wouldn't phone them or invite them over, but we would show hospitality when we see them.
Co-workers present a slightly more stressful situation in that we may need to be in contact with them or work closely to them at our job. In this case, we would be pleasant, do our job to the best of our ability and speak politely. We need to learn how to let their actions roll off us and not affect who we are.
We need to realize that the disrespect problem lies with that person and not with us. Therefore, if we give back the same treatment they dish out, then we are no better than they are and we would have succumbed to the same level of disrespect as they're at. We need to maintain our own integrity and remember who we are because we can only stand accountable for ourselves.
Therefore, we need to do what we have to do with them at work and we should do all things with a happy attitude, but it ends there.
And when we speak to others about them, we should say nothing bad about them, but if we have to comment we should always speak good and never fall to the wiles of gossip or personal disgust. When we maintain our own integrity and treat others as we want to be treated, the good that we present to them will eventually make an impression on them. We may not see it right away or maybe never at all, but if we don't show them what respect is, they may never learn.
Your patience may be their only hope of learning what respect is.
Learn more about this author, Ronnie Dauber.
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Yes
Disrespect. It is one of the most difficult but common problems experienced in human relationships today and a social issue that can be the source of much unhappiness. It can destroy lives with no intention of doing so. Is there always intent when certain individuals arbitrarily and repeatedly disrespect you? Perhaps the reason for them doing so has been long lost in childhood memories, lurks testily in the back of your mind, or new and abrasive retorts are refreshed daily upon contact. Regardless of cause, issues or intent, disrespect is an unnecessary unkindness to any soul or individual.
The world population consists of an estimated and amazing 6.7 Billion individual human beings. With that unbelievable number of alternative choices available for friends and associates, it seems hardly necessary to continue to suffer the discomfort and misery caused by allowing one individual out of those billions to habitually disrespect you. If someone unnecessarily criticizes your self image as a person or otherwise tries to destroys your character and very being, the process can be abusive, insulting, degrading to your self-esteem, and is therefore unacceptable. Without remedial action taken, feeling of worthlessness and resentment fester, and irrational anger begins to grow. Should one take revenge? No. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Common sense suggests any thinking human being should not allow themselves to be brutalized either physically or psychologically. The simple question one must ask himself is: Why socialize with and be forced to tolerate persons that insist, and even thrive upon disrespecting others? Why accept unjustified and destructive behavior aimed squarely at your happiness, your inner person and even your reputation? Those questions are valid.
Clearly a conscious decision is necessary. Should you then cut off all contact with persons who repeatedly disrespect you? The best thing to do is analyze the facts, and make a logical decision.
Prior to going to the extreme of permanent alienation there is much to be gently considered. Alienation from another human being can last a long time, causing grief in the short term, but that social choice may also negatively affect you for the duration of your life. In the future at some undetermined point, there exists the possibility that one may not even remember what the root of the problem was. Much grief can be avoided with the correct decision.
What is the source of disrespect?
Disrespect emanating from a specific individual may originate in many areas of their personal lives. Competitive, overly critical and thoughtless people invariably express unhappiness with others when it is really their own personal lives, substance or lifestyle that should be scrutinized, questioned, and changed. Distress, anger, accusations and insults may often be expressed as disrespect for others for unrealized, undisclosed, or even imaginary reasons, -and can cause unimaginable and permanent damage to relationships if allowed to persist.
Perhaps, then, making an allowance for the old adage, walking a mile in someone else's shoes may be helpful, and an appropriate and necessary sabbatical should also be created prior to condemning them to isolation forever. Thou shalt not judge may also be applicable.
Although respect is earned, not commanded, individuals in relationships, families, or casual friendships often fail or merely forget to include the importance and dignity of truth and mutual respect. Kindness and respect of others should be an inborn and natural characteristic of adult maturity, but is often lacking. Abrasive individuals often simply do not realize the extent of the damage made by their comments or offhand remarks they themselves may perceive as innocent or even humorous.
Character differences and similarities, opinion, and ideas that define individuals severally should ideally be taken into consideration at all times, but are often placed outside of the realm of reason in relationships and forgotten. Truth may be ignored at one's peril and in the extreme, lies may be unknowingly or even arbitrarily chosen to poison the environment of relationships for undisclosed reasons.
Individual human beings are unique specifically because they are products of their own specific environment, upbringing, surroundings, experiences in life, and desires, just as individuals may also be alike and share some characteristics. Just as occupational hazards are not limited to doing physical harm to people; psychological changes of the mind may occur with stress or influence of an occupation, an event one participates in, or even the droll and unique surroundings and stress one is personally subjected to on a daily basis both inside and outside of the home or work environment. Peer influence is common, particularly among teens, where the unexplored quantity and definition of self is often heavily influenced by the example of others, and a desire and willingness to be able to identify with others. Can that specific need and the constant stress it creates generate disrespect for others that are not considered to be equals or peers? The answer must be yes. Even with equal social status, financial pressure and social-economic worries and other factors may cause measurable stress, unsupported comparisons, negative thought and a reduction in logic and judgment.
If you suffer repeated disrespect, a personal decision must be made . Should you arbitrarily and generously choose to believe that outside factors such as peers, and social-economic influence justifies extreme, negative behavior in someone causing you personal grief? Should society as a whole willingly make an allowance for, and willingly tolerate the result of problematic and constant disrespect of others?
Perhaps in a Utopian manner, disrespect, insults and innuendo should be tolerated to some degree, but disharmony often grows out of control. When uncontrolled disrespect is unleashed with no prompting, justification or unknown reasons, a negative outcome is virtually guaranteed . Logic dictates that most human beings wish to retain peaceable lives, retain their personal dignity, and live with truth, in positive thoughts.
What may be often overlooked is the clear evidence that in disrespecting any individual, regardless of race, age, gender, background, lifestyle, economic status or political affiliation, the offender often makes more negative declarations about himself or herself than about the person being so viciously disrespected.
An unintentional failure to communicate love, understanding, and truth may create difficulties within relationships, but intentional and direct communication of destructive lies, innuendo, ridicule, or accusations inevitably results in alienation. Alienation is almost guaranteed if only because it is completely illogical and foolish for any human being to willingly imbibe such psychological poison. It is uncharacteristic for sentient beings to willingly accept psychological abuse or torture.
In eternal hope, promise exists in the given that if peace can be made by the offering of apologies, amendments and acceptance , mutual respect and understanding can be improved and relationships can, in time be corrected and rebuilt. Hope is eternal, as forgiveness is a basic tenet of Christianity. Sinners, equally, are supposed to see and correct the errors of their ways. Until they can freely and willingly do so, to most thinking human beings, it seems reasonable, logical, and justified, to simply, without judgment, cut off contact with any person who repeatedly disrespects you, - but with the caveat that they are told why you no longer wish to socialize or interact with them.
With either choice, as spiritual beings, a life lesson is offered and shall be learned by all.
Learn more about this author, Raymond Alexander Kukkee.
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- Dealing with Problem People
- Is it always easy to treat others as you wish to be treated?
