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Dealing with Problem People
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Add to FavoritesYou know, I have found out, writing on another board, that is filled with authors in various stages of publications; that (to misquote A. Lincoln), "You can please some of the people some of the times, but not all the people all the times!"
And so adding to the fact that I am French, and given the antipathy some have for my people, that I mostly speak my mind while trying to stay diplomatic, I often get insulted by small minded authors, whose experience in life, consist solely of the world around their homes and getting their opinions while watching T,V! That alone they think, make them worthy of criticising me, often in double entendre since they lack the courage of their convictions.
Forunately- but having lived a long long time, I know that no one is without critics... as poor Jesus found out..and even he advised us to turn the other cheek; I try and do likewise..for as it is said "Convince a man against his will and he remains of the same opinion still!" The last thing I want to do is antagonise people... for it serves no purpose except to further reinforce their opinions of you! It has always been so! First when I came to america they were patronising, because I hardley spoke English; then they did'nt approve of the way I raised my kids the European way -and thus differently then they did. But today I have written 2 books, and scores of article... and my children and their families make me so proud of them I could pop my buttons! So..so much for my critics!
Right now I am going through the same thing, because of my political opinions, that is contrary and very annoying to someone close to my family. (Thankfully my children and I are on the same board!) but this person is so vexed that I fail to see her point of view, that she constantly sends me e mail -that are so amazingly simple minded in their logics- it defies the imagination, mine anyway!
That is however on the outside world, but to go back to the board for which I write for, what I have found, is that if you continually try and ignore other posters barbs, their indifferences, their mean spiritedness (often caused by jalousy) and always answer them with the same caring and thoughtful reflections...Very often- they eventually come around; and while you will never become bosom pals with them, at least you'll have them off your back! I call this "Going fishing" you put out your lines- and eventually bring the catch in!... and they never even knew what happened ha ha..
And let's face it, in the end-critics are good for you, I'd even go so far as saying they are necessary..For when I was younger, nothing spurred me on better then if someone said I wasn't up to a task! I then renewed my efforts just to prove them wrong. Of course now I have nothing to prove to anyone and I go out of my way not to critic others.. in fact one of my favorite expression when I adress someone in need of it, I usually end with:
" Remember this is not a critic -but an observation!"... yea right!
Learn more about this author, Pierrette Komarek.
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Yes
As I sit writing this article, my husband's family is gathering for the funeral of his aunt, she died last weekend. Upon receiving the notification via his sister, since he has not spoken to his mother since January, the dilemma was upon us once again. Do we go or do we stay away?
My husband's family has been a challenge from a time way before I came into the picture. However, I have had a front row seat, over the years, to the continuous disrespect from the various members of his family. My husband was not an easy teenager to raise, like many teenagers. He struggled with many issues, including alcohol use, with the full knowledge of his parents. In fact, he started drinking when he was 13 years of age. Because they did not want to face the fact that other members of the family had issues with alcohol, they chose to ignore his behavior and not to get him help. As a result, he struggled with getting out of high school, working, and trying to further his education. Something inside of him was strong enough that he realized that he had a problem, and he chose to deal with it. This was not a life changing moment in his life, as he struggled with alcoholism several times, before he met me and realized that it was completely destroying his life. During periods of being dry, he managed to get into a major university, through many hours of hard work at the junior college level. However, he fell off the wagon, and got himself kicked out of college. Somehow, he pulled himself together, and got back in. Again dry and living an alcohol program, he graduated with his bachelor's degree. He got a job and worked.
When I met him, I knew that his relationship with his family was strained but, we decided to work on this relationship. When I first met his family, it was very apparent that his parents did not respect him or have much in the way of feelings for him. His older brother was the one who they held up on a pedestal. In fact, the room that his brother slept in looked like a shrine to his brother, never being touched since he moved out years ago. Very little evidence of my husband or his sister remained in the house. For whatever reason, his family felt it necessary to warn me about my husband. We worked on our relationship with his family, all of them. We went to family events, only to be ostracized or for my husband to be insulted. My husband was 31 when we married. Since then, he has acquired professional licenses and a master's degree. When he graduated the December before his older brother, an argument ensued at Christmas with my husband, where his brother and his father stated that my husband was not graduating with his master's degree before his brother because he had not walked for graduation. When my husband's grandfather died in his aunt's house, after hemorrhaging on the floor, my husband returned to his aunt's house to clean up the bloody floor before his mother and aunt returned to the house. He was insulted by his family, called a liar, when he shared something that his grandfather had told him, and when he and I chose to leave, telling them that we would return for the funeral in a couple days, his aunt ran her fingernails down his arm, drawing blood.
When his father was dying, my husband and I went down to try to help his mother out and to help with his father. We returned home, only for my husband to turn around and drive the 3 hours to get back to his father, since he received a call to say that his father was transitioning and would die soon. My husband was the only one there with his mother when his father passed away. He took care of his father, and tried to help his mother. When his father passed away, he received a call, at his parent's house, from my sister-in-law, his brother's wife, telling him that his services were no longer needed and he was to leave. His mother concurred. My sister-in-law is the same person, who tried to tell me stories about my husband's behavior when we were dating, and used to grind my child's dropped pacifier into the ground with her foot, if she dropped it.
Over the years, he has received letters from another aunt telling him that his grandparents did not love him as much as they loved her. Included in the letter, she continuously misspelled our child's name to the point that it was obvious that she was trying to do this. When we purchased our first home, which we built with a builder, his family even found a way to insult this, by telling false stories that we were helped out financially by members of my family. They called our house a track home, and they found fault with the area where we chose to move.
When we were preparing to get married, we received premarital counseling from our pastor. He met with each of us individually and together. Additionally, he had the opportunity to meet our parents. After meeting with my husband's family, and my husband sharing some of the things that had occurred over the years, he told us both that a decision would more than likely have to be made as to whether or not we chose to continue our relationship with my husband's family. We have tried off and on over the years, especially since his parents were getting older. However, each time we went back, the situation never changed and, in fact, more time than not, the situation somehow became worse.
So, now we are at a crossroads, do we go to the funeral or do we chose not to go? This is the aunt who used her fingernails on him, and over the years, acted as if she wanted nothing to do with him on the few occasions when we were together. The answer is a resounding no. We decided not to go to the funeral and to stay away. We have cut off contact with all of his family members, for the exception of his sister, who is in her own struggle with the family and the way that they treat her. His mother has taken no interest in her grandchild over the years, and contact with her is very limited. For a period of time, he would call each weekend, but in 18 years, she has never reciprocated. When the relationship is toxic, the only choice a person has is to remove them self from the toxic relationship. This is what we have chosen to do.
Learn more about this author, Heinz Sladek.
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