Yes

by Robin Tidwell

Created on: July 17, 2009

The goal of raising children is to move them from dependence to independence; this means that eventually your child will no longer need a parent, but a friend.

However, your child still needs a parent up until at least age 18; many parents today seem to think that once their children grow taller than they, or get a driver license or a job, or appear to be an adult, that their work as a parent is finished.

This is simply not true and, if more parents were aware of this, today's teenagers would undoubtedly have fewer problems with delinquency, drug use, and future aspirations.

Kids who are left to raise themselves, so to speak, during if not prior to the teenage years, face issues with self-esteem, attachment, and focus. The teenage years are meant to be a time of transition, not being thrust into an adult role upon reaching this stage. Teenagers still need advice and guidance, whether or not they actually ask for it or even appear to accept it.

When a parent becomes friends with his teenager or, heaven forbid, a younger child, that parent has abdicated his mentoring role - and so should not be surprised when his child moves far away from all that he was previously taught. That teen will flounder, seeking for a port in a storm, and all he can grasp is his ineffective parent who no longer represents security - only fun and friendship.

The teen years are a time of instruction, of learning to make choices, of being allowed to fail or make the wrong decisions from time to time; these are years where kids need a soft place to land, not mere commiseration and hanging out or giggling over boys. Teens, in spite of their demeanor, do not usually want a parent who sits and gabs with his buddies or, worse, texts and befriends those same guys on Facebook or MySpace.

A teen needs and wants boundaries, rules, concern - a teen wants a parent to care, not blow off his misdeeds, or think they're cool. A parent must walk a very fine line to relate to his teen, yet still instruct him.

At the age of 18, however, a child will usually leave home, either to college or out on his own in some manner, and this is when a parent must move into the friendship stage.

An 18-year-old is, in most jurisdictions, legally considered an adult; he can sign contracts, serve in the military, and so forth. While perhaps not the best determination of an adult, it is certainly the most common. At this point, if one has raised his child to be independent, one can begin to move towards friendship.

Friends help each other in many ways: advice, a shoulder to cry on, a small loan. A parent does all these things too, but a parent will handle certain details for their child, such as making a doctor or dentist appointment, reminding their child that he should lock the doors at night, and so forth; friends will likely not.

But when a child reaches adulthood, the friendship between parent and child can also become more reciprocal: the parent may relate more stories of his own youth and young adulthood; the two may indeed hang out together with an absence of rules and oversight.

The difference in relationship has less to do with authority than responsibility. When a child reaches adulthood, he has become responsible for his own actions, accountable to himself versus to his parents. A wise parent will strive to move his child toward this independence, this friendship, in order to raise a fully functioning individual.

If the goal is independence, and the parent is successful, then the relationship will evolve into a friendship - this is the accomplishment of parenting.

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