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| No | 21% | 185 votes | Total: 871 votes | |
| Yes | 79% | 686 votes |
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Add to FavoritesIs marriage really worth it?
Worth what pray tell? All the suffering? All the heartache? All the endless concessions, sacrifice and contortions necessary to make your life jive with someone else's? My answer is a resounding and emphatic NO! The only reason we need marriage is because we don't behave well collectively without rules foisted upon us. Marriage as a legal entity serves only two redeeming purposes in my view: It legitimizes children and provides a legal process and protections to force people to behave humanely towards one another when they decide to split. Otherwise, marriage is quite frankly, a worthless romanticized notion promoting the ridiculous idea that two can actually become one without someone losing out.
I know, I know, my cynicism is the screeching hallmark of a divorced woman. And that assessment of my personal situation would be correct. But this is not a reactive position I'm taking. It is well thought out. Allow me to elaborate by asking a few questions and perhaps piercing the thin white veil of marriage to reveal the scarlet truth.
If you are currently married, do you wake up each day with renewed love and admiration for your spouse's individuality? Are you able to support yourself on your own without the assistance of your spouse should you need to? Do you know how to operate the dishwasher, stove, washing machine and dryer? Can you mow your own lawn? Have you ever diapered your own baby? Do you take a turn paying the bills and managing the finances? If you answered "no" to any of these questions I postulate that you are in a marriage of convenience reaping the benefits of an arrangement that may be working out now but is at risk in the long run for boredom, affairs and eventual breakdown.
Not true, you may be saying. How can she draw that stunning conclusion from those few questions? Easy. Each one of those questions, with the exception of the first one, implies that a person has taken on a certain role in the relationship. And while that may have some initial appeal, it creates an imbalance of power or an unhealthy reliance which usually means one person is taking on the bulk of certain traits like being the breadwinner or the nurturer. The truth is in order to be healthy, we need to possess and express the full breadth and depth of skills and emotions individually. Otherwise we become parasites and hosts clinging together in a grotesque but sustainable symbiosis sometimes referred to as marriage.
I also venture to assert that if two people did not have the confines of marriage, the legal and psychological equivalent to handcuffs, that both partners would work harder to maintain their individuality and also treasure their coupledom to a greater extent. In other words, they would both be better off.
Marriage is a great excuse to have a party, get dressed up and maybe buy some new shoes. But in the end, it's a fairy tale and there's seldom a happily ever after.
Learn more about this author, Lola McPetit.
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Yes
As they used to say back in the Garden of Eden, "It is not good for man to be alone." And while I would amend that sentence to read "It is not good for woman either," the pronouncement is still true after all this time.
The institution of marriage is one that has withstood societal changes of every type, to this day still the gold standard to which people aspire when they are considering the best way to show their commitment to each other.
Of course, statistics don't lie. Divorce is more prevalent now than at any other age in mankind's history. Having seen my own parents' marriage self-destruct back in 1972, I can attest to the fact that times have certainly changed. What was then a cause for shame and embarrassment is now looked upon as a mere case of "poor judgment in choosing a spouse," even if ending the marriage will cause permanent harm to the children, further weakening the societal fabric.
But sometimes statistics are misleading. Despite the fact that every adult member of my immediate family- except one set of grandparents- has seen their marriage fail, my wife and I have been together for 21 years.
Maybe it was the fact that we married late- me 33, her 31- and the mainsprings on our respective biological clocks were wearing out.
Maybe loneliness had taught us that beauty is more than a matter of skin depth.
Maybe it's due to our never sleeping in the same bed, me talking in my sleep and her coughing.
Maybe it's because we're Mormons.
But I believe it's something else.
Years ago a good friend of mine was teaching a class full of teenagers about marriage. Having been divorced himself, he spoke with some authority when he told the youth that being married, in and of itself, holds no guarantees. Married people fall in and out of love all the time. What really holds a married couple together is commitment.
Commitment.
Like "accountability," it is one of a small group of words that tends to make people uncomfortable. Committing to anything these days is seen as the greatest of risks. Everything has to be done in a "safe" way. Whether it's safe sex, safe investments, or a spendy seat belt attachment for your dog, most "experts" agree that one shouldn't make a move based on anything as archaic and unproven as faith or intuition.
No- you'd better gather sufficient data before making any sort of a move that would prove to be a mistake later on.
Despite the fact that this was the same mindset responsible for me suffering ten years of dating hell and failed romances, many people have to have some sort of assurance that they are doing the right thing.
In the end, many couples spend so much time checking each other out that the result is a type of analysis paralysis, their only means of escape being cohabitation- for the time being.
The perceived horrors of commitment aside, even the mere mention of the word "marriage" sometimes gives otherwise strong men and women the shakes.
Years ago, Don Ameche and Frances Langford performed a comedy routine on radio and TV. They played the Bickerson's, a middle-aged couple that loved each other, but couldn't stop fighting.
On one occasion, John's wife Blanche made some sort of hopeful comment about the nature of marriage, to which John ruefully replied: "Marriage isn't a word- it's a sentence."
Unfortunately, this attitude, coupled with the fear of commitment, is all too common in modern society- to such an extent that even cohabitation suffers from a lack of fidelity.
People need to understand what a successful and happy marriage is based on. And it's not like they don't have plenty of examples before them of what doesn't work.
I've seen couples live together until they were "sure" they were right for each other.
Then spend thousands of dollars getting engaged.
Then spend even more money on an elaborate wedding and honeymoon.
Only to get divorced a year later.
And one wonders why folks used to elope...
Yet with all this negativity surrounding the concept of matrimony, it is still sought after for what it represents: the stability offered by an environment where a man and a woman can work out their differences and learn how to better love and respect themselves and each other, and the best atmosphere in which to raise children.
There is more to marriage than this, but suffice it to say that when all is said and done, a marriage where love and commitment are present is the one that will stand the test of time- and anything society might throw at it.
Learn more about this author, Dan Hiland.
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