Husband

by David Ramey

Created on: November 04, 2008   Last Updated: November 30, 2010

The end of my marriage was a bit like a Woody Allen script. It wasn't until things were done that entire conversations with my "ex" started popping up in my memory and making sense. I think as males we are taught to "soldier on" in the face of danger, especially when it involves something like breaking up a family. But it isn't everyday that your mate of 19 years decides that she is a Pagan Priestess and starts disappearing on "retreats" every weekend leaving you to be the only parent in the family, even when she was physically there. And, as I was relaying this story to my good friends and family at the end, they all saw it coming before I was conscious of it. Thank God they were all good enough friends to not use "I told you so".

Yes, I think the "wake-up" shovel to the back of my head was when her boyfriend called me at work to tell me that he and my wife were having an affair only because he was under the impression that I was dead. He had to actually trace me down through the internet and find me to deliver this message. When I told my best friend this story he told me I should go out, find him and buy the guy a beer. He also told me I now have the option of faking my own death and moving out of the country because I've already fooled one person, but this is off the point and he never used "I told you so".

This was all the peak of very strange events leading to that fall day that suddenly caused instant enlightenment to my own short comings of being able to interpret the signs that led us to this point. And as far as I can tell, this was really my only contribution was to the situation. I was a guy who went out and tried to do the right thing by making as much money for the family, doing what I do and I was suddenly the bad guy. I actually changed who I was and got a Master's degree in something I really didn't care about in order to do this for my family. But all this is not the only cause and this is the point where I could make a career out of writing country songs. "She's Just Damn Crazy" would be the title of the hit song. Our friends saw it. My kids saw it and my family saw it. I have no idea what she told her family and I really don't care at this point because they are the ones who created her insanity to begin with. They would have never had the hint to even say "I told you so".

The first sign I ignored was her interpretation of the truth sometimes was a bit sketchy, especially when it involved saving face. I'm not saying she's a liar, but I've never met someone before that was always the victim of her own circumstances all the time. I also knew she was a hypochondriac going into the relationship and ignored it for too long, especially when her need for ailments to get attention was passed on to the children. My youngest son was supposedly diagnosed by our pediatrician as having some sort of growth disease that was going to cause him to be a dwarf. Before she was born my middle daughter supposedly had a quarter size whole in her spine that the doctors fused one day in an in office visit. Not to mention my oldest daughter had anxiety problems and needed major psychiatric help that was being ignored by me. My oldest daughter was the one who came to me one night and said, "Dad, if you are sticking this out with mom for the kid's sake this isn't doing them a bit of good". Anxiety problems?: Her only problems stemmed from her mother. I can't even remember all of the diseases my "ex" came up with that she claimed she had during the years we were together. The kicker is that she is actually going around now saying she is a cancer survivor. I know it seems kind of odd at the point that I actually ignored her and went through my own denial of being an idiot till the end. This is also why I am still thankful my friends never said "I told you so".

The final blow was not even the first sign that her faithfulness to the marriage was in question. She had a job in the dot com industry when that was booming that made her work long hours. Then there was the out of town trips, the company dinners and the weekend systems maintenance schedules that kept her away. Somehow I started to feel like these were just excuses to be away. Like I said, she had the capacity to be the victim of her circumstances at all times. Then I found notes lying around the house from some guy and emails printed out in a folder that were communications with her and her best friend. She was asking her best friend what she thought of her having an affair. Yes I questioned her. She told me nothing was going on and like the chump I am I believed her. I "soldiered on". Things got better for a while after that. But, the day I told my mom why I was getting a divorce she told me a story about that time in our lives when my "ex" called her up and asked my mother if she could watch the kids for the day because she was called into work on a Sunday. I was out of town. My "ex' dropped off the kids with some other guy in town and they were giving my mom his cell number in case of an emergency. Even then, I never heard "I told you so".

Then came the day she came to me and said she "needed to find herself". We were at a point where things actually seemed like they were working, so naturally I was supportive of whatever that was. Mind you I had just spent the last few years working on my master's, I was starting an adjunct teaching career and my music (my original goal in life) was starting to pay some of the bills. This is when she started exploring the Pagan church and going up to Wisconsin on a regular basis. At first I really didn't mind because I could spend time at home with the kids, which was lacking a lot when I had a really bad retail management job. One weekend a month turned into most of them. I asked if I could go several times which she always said we couldn't afford it. There was a yearly event in Ohio that she started to go to on a regular basis as well. I asked if I could go and she said no because "she didn't want anyone messing with her magic". Of all the events I was allowed to go to with her it was usually at someone's house and everyone ignored the fact I was there and every attempt to have a conversation with anyone turned into a dead end. Now I've met a lot of people over the years playing music for drunks in bars, but these people were lost souls with the same need for attention that my "ex" has. I really didn't get the sense that any of them actually believed in what they were doing. Then came the time when my "ex" decided she was going to become a fire spinner. This meant more time away from home. My neighbor friends started making comments, especially the ones we had become really good friends with and went on vacations with. After a while I started to tell her that I feel more like her room mate. She agreed and said she would work on it, but there was always one more festival she needed to go to. Did my neighbor friends ever say "I told you so" in the end? No.

So, could we have saved the marriage in the end? I stuck it out for a few months after the phone call. I even tried to make it through the holidays. But, I was too angry. I had to leave for the health of everyone. Most people ask me why I didn't take her to the cleaners by taking the house, the kids and everything else. Probably because I took the advice of a very good friend who told me it really wouldn't do the kids any good. It would never repair their relationship with their mother even though it shows no signs of being repaired now. I can't do that for her. I have 50/50 custody and I'm still a big part of their lives. The strange thing is I think we are better parents as a divorced couple then we ever were when we were together. I often ask myself the same question. Could it have been saved? I would have to say no. Even if she would have come clean with me in the end about everything, which she didn't and still hasn't, I did not have any trust for her and still don't. It made me sit back and question everything she ever told me including "I do".

Who get's custody of the friends of the marriage in the end? My advice is to keep the ones that never said "I told you so". Anyone that never offers advice unless asked is a true friend.

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