No

by Vonda J. Sines

Created on: May 29, 2009

When it comes to what's best for a child, there are exceptions to many rules. However, I consider it unwise and sometimes unhealthy for children under the age of 10 to attend a funeral.

Although they might be devastated by the loss of a loved one, most adults who have spiritual beliefs recognize death as merely the end of one phase of our existence. Even though they are being reared in a home where religious or spiritual beliefs are very prominent, most young children cannot yet conceive of a similar view of death. Seeing a family member in a casket creates a bit of cognitive dissonance. If Grandpa is sleeping, why doesn't he get up when I talk to him?

Two experiences in my own family support this. My material grandmother declined suddenly over a few months. Although the cause of death was never spoken aloud, I later learned it was cancer. At age eight, I grew to hate visiting her in the hospital every other night as her illness progressed. The remains I saw in the open casket at her funeral were those of a person perhaps half her size before she became ill. The face and even the hands must have belonged to someone else. I had nightmares about the funeral for months.

Not long after her death, my father's uncle entered the hospital for exploratory surgery. Diagnosed with advanced lung cancer, he died about six weeks later. Although the children in the family were allowed to visit him when they were accompanied by an adult, this practice stopped after just two weeks. We were never given a reason why but suspected his rapidly deteriorating condition would somehow scare us.

The casket was open during the funeral. Once again, the loved one in it hardly resembled the family member we knew. The sandy hair had turned black from cobalt treatments. The 250-pound frame weighed perhaps 100 pounds at most. And the scariest of all: a two-inch autopsy scar at the edge of the scalp.

Add to this picture a crying widow who kept grabbing the hands of the deceased. The children in the family were not given any choice about whether to attend this funeral and were encouraged to go up to the casket and kiss or at least touch the corpse. None of us was more than nine years old, and all of us believed that our uncle was gone forever - period. Seeing the coffin lowered into the ground on a cold, snowy day was equally frightening. This time, I didn't have nightmares for months. They lasted five years.

Although most children recognize by age seven or eight that the human life cycle goes from infancy to gray hair, they aren't prepared to witness death first-hand. Their reaction so often is fear at what they witness at a funeral.

There are several alternatives that parents and grandparents can provide so that the child experiences closure when a loved one dies. They can explain their own beliefs about death and the afterlife and discuss in simple terms what a funeral is and why it's held. They should make sure to add that when the child is older, he or she will be able to choose whether to attend a funeral. It's important, however, not to say anything to cause the child to think that he or any other loved ones will soon be dying unless, of course, another family member is terminally ill.

Despite how much the adult who has suffered a loss is hurting, the objective should always be to console the child. One way to do this is to create a memory book of scrapbook about the deceased. Placing photos of this individual - especially any pictures that include the child - around the child's room is another reminder. Giving the child one or two items from the deceased's personal effects if they have a special meaning can bring comfort. Continuing to talk about the special person with the child is another way to help a youngster grieve when a loved one dies.

These actions also help prepare the young child for the first funeral he or she will attend while older. In the meantime, let children remain children.

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