Teens views: Which is better: Blending in or standing out?

Blend In

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by Jackeline Vzquez

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Teen Views: Which is better: Blending in or standing out?

Every human has the desire to feel accepted. To feel like they are part of a group, even more so when we are teenagers, uncertain of our complete identity, more than at any other time in our life we want to blend in. The teenage years are the years that we both want to be independent but have a fierce need of acceptance. Very few teenagers want to stick out in any way and this is normal. This does not mean that they don't want to be different, unique individuals, with their own thoughts or values. Teenagers still want to be able to be free to express themselves in their own way but they will do so in the safety of a group that is like them. Hence all the different clicks we get ourselves into. Rarely do we see a goth with a prep or a jock. So there are various reasons to blend in; one it helps identify who we are what we value and what our interests are, two it gives us a sense of security and acceptance and this helps to create a strength in our self once others have accepted us and a strength in community. Standing out sounds real brave and honorable but no one really wants to be out there alone, and if we are for a long amount of time uncertainty, loneliness, and depression inevitably follows.

Blending in, as far as being a part of a group, is in us from the time we are born. We first belong to our family. We are like our family. We derive some of our foundation from our family, and though the family is comprised of people who have lived the same situations, in the same household, being taught the same values and beliefs, all ideas are processed through the very unique thoughts and minds of unique individuals. Our identification starts here. But can you imagine what we would be like if we felt we did not belong? One of two things can happen; we will either feel like we stand out so much that we become isolated or we will desire to blend in so bad that we begin to perform to please. Both of these are unhealthy. Isolationism takes us away from relationships, and relationships are an essential part of our nature and life. How do you relate to people, wife and kids if you are isolated because you feel different? On the other hand it is equally sad to see a child perform to please. This behavior will get us into trouble especially in our teens when we become part of a group just to fit in, even when fitting in is dangerous or demoralizing. This is why a girl will have sex just to be accepted, or a guy will join a gang to belong to something. In a nurturing family setting there should be the sense that we belong along with the flexibility to allow us to be who we are. Both security that we belong somewhere security thatwe can be who we are and still be accepted begin here. From the beginning we start out being part of a group, not standing out.

Then there are the rest of the teenage years when we begin to branch out from the protection of home and family into an area that defines us more, but the reason that we can branch out is that no matter what, there is a group that loves and accepts us at home. Independence and security are intrinsically linked to the fact that we are secure in a family group. Teenagers do want to be their own people, but again in a group. They seek others like themselves to share and be with. Sometimes these groups resemble what they have learned from home sometimes they resemble the part of them that they are still discovering. Blending in these groups in this way is not bad at all. It is quite normal and part of the teenage process. After all we will not always be with our parents or siblings. Eventually we make our own life with someone not of our family (hopefully). Blending in a group this way is completely normal and acceptable. But it is important to reiterate that we're blending into a group because the group represents some part of us, or something we desire to be. While it is important and normal to want to be accepted, morals and values or identity should not be compromised to be accepted. In other words being in a click is healthy when it enriches the person we already are. It should not transform us into something that we are not, just for the sake of being part of a group. Then the whole reason behind being accepted becomes harmful and is growing out of insecurity instead of a normal need. Having said that we can have all the security and acceptance in the world at home but this does not make us invulnerable to rejection. A personal example from me was way back in elementary school where I first learned to speak English. Initially I was at a mostly white school. The English I spoke I learned from an upper class white society. Then I was moved to a school in the ghetto and I had to learn a lot more slang to be able to sound like the kids around me. It was very interesting that with the white kids I would speak a certain way, and with the kids that lived in the ghetto I would speak a different way, all to fit in. I was lucky that early on I had a strong sense of self, because from the beginning a group did not choose me. I chose where I wanted to be. Choosing a group in this manner is healthy and being accepted adds to your security and further seals identity.

There are some instances where we must stand out, and while this is difficult and can be a strain for a teenager, we must be secure and strong enough to do it regardless what the crowd is doing. Defending the underdog is very important; it demonstrates strength, independence and conviction. Standing up for what is right even when it is not popular, grounds and matures us. This gives us integrity. Rejecting some activity, even when everyone is doing it, and deciding to stand alone makes us admirable. Teens who stand out in this way will find that they will not stand alone for long. People flock to this type of person. I was fortunate enough to have these strengths instilled in me by my parents. While I was not popular in the cheerleader, cutest girl type of way, everyone knew who I was and what I stood for because I was not afraid to stand alone, but for this reason I was not alone for very long. And this is a good thing because being alone and standing out even for a good cause for very long is consuming. We even begin to wonder if we're right.

A wonderful example of this was the prophet Jeremiah. He is called the crying prophet. Poor guy hated his job, and his life, even though he was doing God's work and was the only prophet to see his prophesies come true. He was abandoned by family and friends and considered a traitor by his countrymen. His loneliness was so severe that he cursed the day he was born and the messenger who announced his birth. His preference was to be dead, he even complained to God that he no longer wanted to be a prophet. Obviously it was only by the strength of God that he kept on. Still there is some uncertainty if he died in peace, or was murdered because no one ever liked his message.

Another example in history was the holocaust, where the grand majority of us did not stand out. Being in a group, and the power of the overwhelming situation made many people, good, moral people sit back and do nothing. Again standing out here, especially if you were a German in Germany meant certain death, ad to be realistic many of us would not have done it, even though it was what was right.

Again standing out is sometimes necessary, though difficult, but for the most part we want to blend in. We want to be accepted. We want to be part of a group. Even those teens that are rebellious because they are trying to go against "the system", hey, guess what? You're blending in; you're part of every generation of teenagers that do the same thing. Even the trendsetters, guess what? You're going to blend in; someone else will love your style, and a whole new trend will start. Even teens who want to be famous, that comes back to being applauded and accepted. All of us want to be a part of something and at the same time be free to be ourselves and this is good and normal. Let who we are enrich those who surround us and let not our differences divide us. If we are standing out just to be different it will not last long because we have more in common that will unite us. (Wouldn't that be nice)?

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