Get a Widget for this title
RSS FeedCan a relationship with a cheater work out?
Results so far:
| yes | 29% | 620 votes | Total: 2155 votes | |
| No | 71% | 1535 votes |
yes
Write now
Print
Invite a writer™
Add to FavoritesHeartbroken, devastated, humiliated.....These are just some of the emotions a betrayed spouse feels after they discover the person who vowed to love them forever is cheating. I know these awful feelings all too well. My husband cheated on me with a married coworker for over 2 years before I discovered the overwhelming evidence. It's been 3 years now and I still remember D day like it was yesterday. D day, also known as the day of discovery, is a term coined by betrayed spouses because this horrific event is forever etched into the back of one's mind. In the initial days following, It's like living in a nightmare........ you can't believe this is actually happening........... .kind of like 9-11.
Infidelity, without a doubt, is the most damaging blow a relationship will ever endure. We've endured job losses, medical problems, disagreements about the allocation of household chores, you name it, but nothing can compare to the destruction that cheating causes.....Nothing..
Couples who have never experienced this type of trauma think of infidelity as a black and white issue. Some feel "Once a cheater always a cheater", and that you should end the relationship immediately after finding out, while many Christians say that spouses should forgive their partner of their sin in the same way that God has forgiven us for our sins. I can tell you from personal experience that the emotions one feels after such a tragedy takes years to unravel and there is no right or wrong answer.
I know for a fact that many couples are able to overcome such an ordeal and create a satisfying relationship together. It all depends on if they want to and how much effort they are willing to put in to make things work. After meeting dozens of couples who have been shattered by an affair, I noticed that there are a few key components that will either make or break the relationship after disclosure.
The first one is remorse. Cheating spouses that are not remorseful lack the compassion and empathy betrayed spouses need in order to heal. No relationship can move forward without the acknowledgement of such a offense and an appropriate apology.
The second issue is trust. The cheating spouse needs to be completely transparent, break all contact with their lover and be accountable for their whereabouts at all times for as long their partner feels this is necessary. In most cases, this is a life sentence. Blind trust will never be given freely again.
The third issue is forgiveness. Most betrayed spouses feel that they need to work on forgiveness right away in order to heal their marriage and when they can't seem to grasp this concept, they come to feel as though they'll never "get over it". What they need is time. Time to take everything in, work on themselves and the relationship. Forgiveness of such a major offense such as this is almost impossible for most to comprehend so I think it's better to gravitate towards acceptance. The betrayed spouse must accept that it happened and that you can't change the past. Acceptance will lead to forgiveness when you realize the affair is no longer a part of your daily thoughts.
The fourth issue is self esteem. When a person experiences such an enormous blow to their ego, the cheating spouse needs to do everything in their power to make the betrayed spouse feel special, loved and adored. This is much easier said then done when feelings for their paramour still exist and the betrayed spouse is usually anything but lovable at this time. In cases such as these, it's best to go through the motions and eventually good feelings will follow on both ends.
Anger is the fifth issue. In most cases, both spouses are angry and defensive. The betrayed spouse is like a walking time bomb. Any indiscretion or instance that brings up thoughts of the paramour or the betrayal sets them off like an explosive missile. The cheating spouse, on the other hand, is angry they have to deal with feelings of shame and embarrassment. Martial counseling is absolutely essential to sort through the thoughts and feelings of both parties so they can release the hurt, anger and resentment they feel inside.
The sixth issue is communication. During the entire affair, communication is completely closed off between husband and wife so once the affair is over, it's time to open the window and let it all hang out. Everything you feel, think and want should be laid out on the table. This is the only way to understand one another and rebuild the intimacy in the relationship.
The seventh and most important issue by all accounts is effort. Actions speak louder than words. The cheating spouse normally wants everything to go back to the way things were before the affair happened. The thing is, the relationship has been changed forever, and things can never go back. A new beginning must take place. A genuine effort must be made from the partner who stepped outside of the marriage. This includes reassuring the betrayed spouse, setting up date nights, remembering all holidays and special occasions, and basically going above and beyond what was normally expected of them. This is the time they really need to shine in order to bring things back to a place of peace. The betrayed spouse on the other hand is normally so distraught and desperate to save their marriage, they overcompensate and try to become perfect in hopes they can outdo the fantasy of their spouses lover. The betrayed spouse will eventually become exhausted and resentful if their efforts aren't rewarded or reciprocated. Sooner or later, a feeling of hopelessness sets in leading to the death of the relationship if things don't change.
If all if these areas are handled with care and concern, then yes, you can and will survive your spouse's betrayal. It's not a cakewalk and it's going to take years to undo the damage, but if what's you both truly want, then it can happen. "With true love, there are no impossibilities".
Learn more about this author, Tracey Cox.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
No
Quite simply NO. When you begin a relationship with someone new and you spend time with you begin to develop a level of trust. Maybe it takes months, maybe in some cases years and that trust should never be compromised. Cheating does just that. It breaks the level of trust you share , even if you don't know it's going on at the time. In a relationship you need honesty and trust for it to really work. And cheaters aren't honest people and they certainly aren't people you can trust... so what are you left with? Love perhaps but really sometimes love just isn't enough.
Cheating changes everything. Your whole relationship changes as a result and while your initial instinct may be to save the relationship and salvage what is left, when you really look at it you'll probably find that if your partner had so little respect for you and themselves to actually commit the act of cheating then the reality is they aren't worthy of having your love. They truly aren't. . It could be years before you find out they've cheated,even if its been a simple one night stand as opposed to a full blown affair it'll still cut like a knife to know that someone you loved has betrayed you on that level. Even if they sa the incident happened years previous and has never been repeated those feelings you feel when you find out won't be as easy to move on from. Those emotions will always be there. Sure they might not be ones you feel every day and sometimes you might be able to convince yourself it'll all work out and your happy but then suddenly those feelings of doubt , hurt and betrayal will creep back up on you and you'll be left in pieces once again. When you find out someone you love has cheated on you, no matter how small the altercation may have been it hurts. And it changes how you see them. And it's almost impossible to ever go back to how things where before it happened. Before you knew and before they messed up. Before they made a choice to break that band of trust of had. That trust is something you will NEVER get back. You can always try but deep down inside of you you'll constantly be aware that it happened and you'll constantly be waiting on it happening again. And I'm talking from experience.
In my eyes a cheater is someone who is weak and someone who compulsively lies. Perhaps they've found that the intensity of the relationship is too much, they feel pressured , scared of commitment and moving forward with you ..so they cheat. They cheat to "get it out of their systems" so they can move forward and when they are caught they convince you that they loved you so much it scared them. And maybe you believe them. Maybe you try to make it work. But what happens the next time they get "scared?" They might never cheat on you again, but this question " what if" will always be in the back of your mind. You'll spend hours asking them what if questions over and over again trying to cover every angle so you can be reassured about absolutely everything in your relationship. And his or hers answers might be enough to convince you to try again. But they made you promises once before that they wouldn't hurt you, and they made a promise to you to be faithful when you started your relationship, and that promise was so easily broken ... they could and most likely WILL do it again.Their actions will make you so paranoid. Always wondering, always waiting, always questioning. Ask yourself is this the sort of person you want to be? Is this really the sort of relationship you want to have? Always second guessing? Surely your worth so much more than that.
It's so easy to want to forgive and forget when you really love someone. It's so easy to want to say " lets just start over" and mentally block out those images of him with her, or her with him. But it's not always as easy as you initially think. In time their betrayal will catch up with you. Every time they look at someone you'll be thinking to yourself " is he interested in her?, or "is she attracted to him, will she act on it?". You won't ever be able to trust them in the same way again. It's too hard and there's too much at stake. Personally for me , it changed who I was. I've always been a strong girl yet I have had insecurities in the past and my ex cheating made these insecurities blow up into proportions they so did not need to be. I started questioning everything about myself... "Was I not good enough, did I not dress well enough, was she better in bed than me?" and while deep down I knew that it was his problem and it was his insecurities that made him cheat somehow his problems had leaped onto me and I was the one who felt like less of a person because of his actions while he was able to just shrug it off and say " it was just a mistake". I believed him. I took him back. I wanted things to work. But after a while I just had to let him go. He disrespected me. He broke our trust and he changed how I saw him. I used to think of him as someone who would never hurt me. Never. In a split second he changed that. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forget that. I could forgive him, but I couldn't forget.
Sometimes people screw up and they cheat. They perhaps have a whole list of reasons why they did it - insecurities, boredom, for the thrill, just because they could or perhaps its just that they wanted the security of a relationship but the fun of messing around with someone new . No matter what the reasons it doesn't make it right and you don't ever have to settle for being cheated on. If a guy or a girl thinks so little of you and your relationship that they would do that, then they doesn't deserve you. They don't deserve a second chance. Sure they could use their second chance to make it right... OR they could use their second chance to do it again. Is that a risk your really willing to take on someone who thought so little of you to do it in the first place?After all your heart should not be gambled .... especially on someone who truly isn't worthy of it.
Learn more about this author, Carrie Brandon.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
