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Cheating & Trust Issues
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Add to FavoritesA good strong relationship is something that we all hope we have when we vow to love someone till death do we part, that however is not always the deal. When you take the time not only to learn and love someone but you open up your heart and parts of you that you don't with anyone else it is hard not to think that it would be till death do you part or that this person is be also doing the same thing. What we forget about relationships is that they are built on chances. We take a chance when we start a relationship of any kind; we are taking a chance on the fact that the other person will have an offer of friendship, honesty, love, understanding and all the things that go into a good relationship.
When we say I do, we are saying more than yes to being a husband or wife, we are saying yes to giving all of ourselves to another person. We are saying that we will be there in the bad times as well as the good and we will take care of the other person as well as we would ourselves. When we say I do and that we will forsake all others, we have made a very big choice to love and honor each other and that means that when the opportunity comes to stray from the vows we made that we have to remember what is important keeping them or breaking them for a moment of pleasure that will in the long run become pain. Pain that is not just for the people who made the vows, but everyone around them
Being that I'm in the place of recovering from broken vows, I can say that it can work out if both people are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. A marriage is best built on two people and not just one or one and a half. The person that breaks the vows has to understand that life as it was will never be the same again and that they can not go back to that life. If you think about it that was not that great of a life if there was something there that caused the vows to be broke. Both parties will have to accept that a third person will be needed to give a fresh eye to see what is really going on.
The finger pointing and faults of each other would have to be put to rest, how can anyone see their faults if there is a finger pointing in their face? When something like this happens we need to hold our hands and take a walk to the mirror and look deep into it and see what is going on with ourselves. Remaining open minded that there could be a small part we played in the choice that our spouse made in breaking the vows of trust is very important in recovering.
Just as we made the choice to take a chance and love this person enough to marry them we can make the same choice to take another chance and try to work out the issues that put us in the place of broken vows, pain, anger, lack of trust and all the other bad feelings that go with cheating. It is important to understand why the person cheated in order to deal with how to keep it from happening again, but first the cheater must learn to be truly honest with him or her self first and being able to do that along with being open to the hurt person will be a great start in healing and the marriage working not just out but though the pain of broken vows and heart.
There's nothing like a broken heart that was done by someone you trusted more than anyone in your life. The person that is hurt by the vows have to be willing to listen and understand if there is something that they may have done knowingly or unknowingly to cause the person to feel like cheating. I don't think that means it is ok for a person to cheat because they are upset at what someone says or does, just that we react to a person's actions and words sometimes not in good positive ways but we do react.
We have to learn to talk to each other in a loving and open way and maybe it will help to curve the bad choices make. If we take the time to understand that vows of marriage are not to be taken lightly and that once broken it will change everyone's life that it touches. I always told my children, "be careful of what you say or do, it doesn't always just affect you". Only the two people in the marriage know what is really going on and everyone else is just going along with who is hurt the most, when really both parties are now hurting and need help.
My marriage is getting back on track as much as it can, we had to get help in order for it to start healing. I still have issues with trusting him and don't want to be touched a lot of times, if he has been late coming home from work. I now am the person with the biggest problem with his cheating. I do realize it will take some time for me to heal, but it will take more time for me to trust him. It is now a daily job for him to prove to me that he can be trusted. It is easy to trust someone when you think you are the only person in their life that they are giving themselves to. As long as two people are willing to commit to each other and to working at making the marriage stronger and more loving and better than before, yes it can work out.
Learn more about this author, KKaryn.
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No
by Candy Jules
In any relationship, trust has to be one of the most important values in order to make it work. When that trust has been broken by either person in the relationship, things will never be the same.
There was a time when a man and a woman stayed together through thick and thin. They dealt with their problems and worked it out. It was expected of them to take their vows and to make them for life, or till death do they part.
Things are so very different now. People change partners as often as they do their clothes. There doesn't seem to be any meaning to the word Love. Lust fits the world more now. Everybody has an excuse as to why they do what they do.
My ex-husband told me that he could love me, and still have relations with someone else because it didn't mean anything. It was just sex. My feelings shouldn't be hurt because it was me that he loved. How dumb did he think I was? I, on the other hand had already been there with my first husband, so I knew all the excuses and all the lies.
If you're involved with someone who is married or in a relationship, you'd better think long and hard before you commit to anything. If they cheat with you, I guarantee, they will cheat on you. They're good at it. Every cheater has his/her own lines. "My spouse doesn't understand me. My spouse is cheating on me, so why not. Not enough time for each other, The kids are always around, or the kids will wake up." It's a never-ending excuse that's nothing but a lie.
How can someone really love you, and cheat with another on the side. Is nothing sacred anymore? They will do it again, some never stop. They got away with it once, it's a piece of cake. That way the cheater can have the best of both worlds. Meanwhile, two others get hurt, and what about any children that might be involved?
Even if you try to work it out, there will always be doubt. Everytime they are late from work, or they have to go out of town on business. The phone rings, and everytime you pick it up, the unknown person on the other end hangs up. I use to find little love letters in my husband's uniform shirts. They had been written by a 16 year old mentally challenged girl. She never denied it. He couldn't, and it was still going on when I finally left.
He told me one time that he was better at cheating than I ever could be, so don't bother to try it. I just wanted away from him. He had this obsession about other women. He didn't care how old they were, just how willing they were.
There's a big difference between love and sex. In your marriage, love is to come first and foremost. Sex is just a fringe benefit. It's not a game, It's not a reward, nor is it a punishment. It is the oneness that brings two together in love.
If you're trying to work out a marriage or a relationship, God bless you. It won't be easy. It's hard to forget that kind of pain. It's hard to ever feel that same love, or feel that you can trust them again. Everytime they hold you, you wonder who they're really thinking about. Are you being compared to the others?
If you're involved with someone that has a roving eye, or constantly watches others of the opposite sex, this person has an issue with commitment. They want their cake and eat it to. Someone always gets hurt, and rejection for one or the other is so very painful. Don't put yourself in a position to get hurt. It's better to walk away now, rather than be the one who is now being cheated on.
One of the biggest excuses is "it only happen that one time." They promise never to do it again. Until next time. The more they get away with it, the more comfortable they feel in doing it. You're still there, so they aren't worried. Don't let life be cruel to you. Make a stand, and save yourself from a lot of pain.
If by chance you feel that there is a chance for your relationship to work out, you definately need to communicate with each other. All the cards have to be put on the table regardless of how bad it hurts. Discuss the pain. Discuss the reasoning as to why one or the other of you felt compelled to cheat on someone you are suppose to love.
My son and his wife go out on a date once a week. They pick a place they both agree on, and the night is theirs. They have a tiny baby now, but all couples need time for each other if anything is to work out.
It isn't going to be easy. Nothing in the world of today is ever easy. There are too many willing people of both sexes available, when your life is at a stand still. Ask yourself if it's worth giving up your family and most everything you own to find a cheap thrill. You will find that the word cheap can cost you everything, including your children. The most precious gift's God has given you.
Go back to the love you started with. Love doesn't die if it was real in the first place. Sure, Problems arise. They do in every relationship. That's part of life. Haven't you ever heard that the fighting was bad, but the making up was awesome. Try it, you might like it.
Believe me, Living alone and growing old alone is pretty empty sometimes. The kids all leave home, and the nights are so long. You roll over and the other side of the bed is empty and all you have for comfort is a pillow. It's just not the same.
People just don't try anymore. I don't know the answer to that. I was married more than once and none of them worked out. Too much baggage from one marriage to the other can control your life. Comparing one spouse with the next one is your worst enemy. No two people are alike. Why would you want to marry someone like the one you just divorced?
I loved my first husband so much, and he cheated on me. He abused me, and yet, the love for him never died. I should never have remarried. That is a lot of today's problems. People are use to the marriage lifestyle, so they jump right back into it for the comfort and security. It's not the same. You have to let go of one life before you can move on to the next one.
Cheating is never the answer. It destroys trust, and faith in the one you love. People always get hurt. Look into the eyes of a child as mommy or daddy drive away. Explain to them, if you can, why mommy or daddy isn't coming back. If there's even the slightest chance to work it out, give it a try. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know that you gave it your best shot.
Learn more about this author, Candy Jules.
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