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Add to FavoritesSome days I think marriage with one partner having a mental illness is possible and then others not so much. Having had the brass ring once or twice, I know more about this subject than I ever truly wanted to.
Many marriages fight over basic things such as money, living arrangements, time for each other and other normal stresses that come with living in the world. Adding those on top of a mental illness in many cases can totally be too much making a truly happy marriage like those of two "normal" people impossible in many cases.
Depending on which partner has the mental illness there is more stress on the relationship from the beginning. Males tend to struggle harder in many cases because around other men they cannot appear weaker. Given that in many cases this brings about an extra stresses for him imagine struggling all day at work to hide your mental illness.
Then going home and having to express all that frustration while there is someone waiting at home for you. This person is expecting you to be friendly and expressive and your mind so needs to vent and relax the frustrations of the day. Then guess who the target of all that rage and frustration becomes.
Many times women who marry a man with a mental illness talk of how angry he seems all the time. Imagine having to deal with all that on a daily basis and try to hide it again when you get home in order to make your spouse happy.
In many relationships, the medications become the sticking point when the ill person is feeling better they want to stop. The partner knows this is a bad idea and expresses this opinion, which most often causes a bigger rift between parties. As this rift gets bigger and bigger, many times the non-ill spouse acts like medications are the cure all and they are far from it.
Medications can hold in check many of the symptoms but as a relationship evolves life takes its toll on the person as well. The more emotionally charged a day is the more the body craves the medication. This means that by the time that partner gets home they are probably on empty and ready for a trigger to set them off.
Then they arrive where the partner lovingly wants to share and gain the attention of this person who is stressed out despite feeling, as if they are on empty then there are the family gatherings, dinners with friends and the like that most relationships would do which easily without any problems which cause bigger rifts in a mentally ill relationship.
It is of course a mentally ill relationship after all if one has a disease both partners tend to suffer from the after affects. They both will have to deal with the disease, the doctors, the medications, the cost of all of it as well. Many times even these little things can bring an ill couple to the breaking point fast.
Which most often leads to the frustration and feelings of anger, longing to leave by the non-diseased spouse or significant other? As this rift becomes bigger and bigger there becomes the stress, it adds onto the mentally ill person. Which in turn causes yet another dependency on the non-ill person who only wants out of the relationship as the problems increase leading to the end of the relationship?
Learn more about this author, J. Lee Kenser.
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Yes
Although the the divorce rate in this country is staggering at well over fifty percent and while a marriage in which one or both partners suffering from a mental illness does certainly increase the divorce rate, it is possible to have a successful marriage; it's keeping the marriage from dissolving that is difficult. Yet, marriage is not impossible. Many factors determine the success rate of any marriage; children, finances, insurance, health, love, honesty, family values, family relationships, etc. However, having a partner with a mental illness is one of the most difficult challenges any married couple can face. Despite proper medications, therapy and treatment, the unique circumstances and personalities within the family are the determining factors on whether or not the marriage can last. It may seem impossible to many couples, especially during the onset of symptoms; but depending on the depth of understanding and commitment, the couple could prove successful in their partnership.
The common marriage vow "to love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part," is the first factor of success in any relationship, but becomes exponentially burdensome when one partner suffers from mental illness. Some partners may love their spouse, yet, cannot cope with the sometimes impossible scope of problems that arise in the relationship as a result of the illness. In addition, there may be a situation in which one or more members of the family are in danger from abuse or neglect and the coping spouse must make a decision regarding the safety of the entire family. He or she may also have the burden of working while caring for the sick spouse, children, home, errands, bills, etc. and may suffer from depression, isolation and worse, the loss of employment, benefits and household stability. Neither the sufferer nor the suffering partner can handle mental illness alone; and although it may seem difficult, seeking help is possible.
Many community organizations such as SAMHSA'S (Unites States Department of Health and Human Services), NMHA (National Mental Health Association) and many state and local agencies are available to assist the family in seeking treatment and family services. In addition, family practitioners can assist in guidance for treatment, therapy and some medications. Community organizations such as local churches, libraries, educational facilties and social service departments can provide information on where to seek assistance. In most cases, marriage and family counseling is not only a requirement for treatment, but a necessity in ensuring the treatment and well being of the entire family. Trained practitioners can ease or alleviate the pain and suffering of living with mental illness, by providing advice on how to effectively channel certain behaviors, how to cope with the unique circumstances within the family, and most clinicians usually work with the family psychiatrist on side effects from medications. In many cases, state and federal programs can assist in offsetting some of the costs (i.e. Medicaid programs for the uninsured, Foodstamp assistance, etc.) if the family is unable to seek treatment due to financial distress.
In addition, the success of a marriage depends on the nature and severity of the illness. There are many types of mental disorders that affect both men and women. And unfortunately, many times these disorders are hereditary; hence, the children are often genetically predisposed to the illness, leaving more than one person directly affected by the symptoms. Mental illness affects the entire family, regardless of which member is suffering from the symptoms. Schizophrenia, for example, can leave it's victim separated from reality. Schizophrenia provokes hallucinations and delusions; sometimes leaving the victim a danger to themselves and their family members. Many times, the sufferer requires constant supervision and cannot care for themselves if the illness is severe. Bipolar disorder, another serious mental illness, has periods of mania and depression leaving the sufferer unable to function effectively due to the constant "switching" of moods. Many mental illnesses are accompanied by outbursts, suicide attempts, fits of rage, the inability to sleep, oversleeping, fluctuations in weight, compulsivity (such as overspending on unecessary items), the inability to complete simple tasks (such as showering, cooking, etc.) and additional health problems that leave the person unable to cope with life. If the healthy spouse cannot rely on the sufferer to care for the home, children, etc., outside help is necessary. It can take years to accurately diagnose and treat an illness, or in many cases, various illnesses; leaving the family to cope alone which can quickly become a burden to the couple, and ultimately shatter an otherwise healthy and happy marriage.
The good news is that with recent technology and medical advancements, many illnesses can now be treated with early diagnoses, proper medications, therapy and above all, family members and spouses who are willing to support the individual. As more information becomes available, many married couples are now able to understand these illnesses and support one another through the tough times. As with all instances in life, it simply depends on the individuals involved and their personal level of commitment.
Can people with a mental illness succesfully marry long term? The answer is absolutely. However, the key to any successful marriage is having a spouse that is understanding, supportive and who is able to cope with the changes and challenges they will face. Not everyone will have a successful outcome, but neither do many couples who have mentally healthy families. As society becomes educated and more aware of the symtoms and signs of mental illness, many people will be more understanding and able to erase the current prejudices that accompany these disorders. It would be wonderful to fully understand our partners before we marry; knowing whether or not they will cheat, divorce, steal, lie or die suddenly from a tragic illness or accident; but then, would anyone ever marry? Unfortunately, many illnesses do not become apparent until years after the couple has been married. What then? Should there be an exception for an anullment because the person became ill? If so, then should an anullment also be granted for physical disabilities, diseases, drug addictions or crime? Society must come to understand that many people today suffer from mental illness; unfortunately, many whom, will not soon be showing symptoms or obtain a diagnosis. As with all types of illness, mental illness is merely another which requires the commitment of the spouse, medical doctors, family, friends and community to ease the burden for everyone affected.
After all, we were put here for a purpose; to love, honor and cherish one another, till death do us part. This vow applies to our spouses, family, friends, children and community. Our obligation then, is to understand and support mental illness victims through the good times and bad; ensuring a higher quality of life for the sufferer and their family. It is our duty as a community to help them anyway that we can. And although this vow is imperative to any relationship, it is especially important for the success of a marriage, unless the circumstances require otherwise. Because no one deserves to suffer alone. And be it cancer, Bipolar Disorder, MS or an alcohol addiction, sooner or later, it will be our turn to suffer...
Learn more about this author, Eden Gardner.
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