No

by Brenda Obert

Created on: April 19, 2008

Who likes to be told they are fat, even if it is the truth? How about that they are rude, dressed poorly, or stink? If you want to always tell the truth be prepared to face these situations as well as a host of others equally as alarming. I like to be known as an honest and truthful person but not a rude person.

I was raised in the south. Southerners have the wisdom, known as hospitality, to treat guests graciously even when they are being obnoxious. Many a hostess has had to bite her tongue and not tell a guest that they are rude and welcome to leave at any time. No, most of my southern friends have heard the edict that it is better to be kind than honest. But southern homes are no the only place I have learned to temper honesty.

As a teacher with many years of experience, I have found it both wise as well as beneficial not to be totally honest with parents of students. To tell the parent of a struggling student that their offspring does not have the mental capabilities to do well in school might be honest but not diplomatic. They would most certainly be "honest" with me and tell me I'm just not a good teacher if I can't see the potential in their little "darling." Nor would it be appropriate to tell the parent of an unruly hellion that that their child should be better disciplined. That parent might be "honest" enough to tell my that if I can't handle the students in my classroom, maybe I shouldn't be teaching. This kind of honesty would have made for a short teaching career because of a lack of support from parents and of course administration.

Too often we say we want to hear the truth when what we want to hear is the truth as "we" see it. I have seen the the result of children whose parents have been brutally "honest" with them. They lack self-esteem, and it is difficult for them to trust and become socially adept. One man's honesty can be another man's pain when wisdom is lost.

Those individuals who hold themselves pious because they are always honest and truthful are not being honest or truthful with themselves. Thus, they have already broken their commandment for honesty. I seldom trust such "honest" people because the only people they are being honest with is others. If I had not been raised to be polite and gracious and spoke truthfully to such people, they most likely would call me a liar since they are after all only being truthful.

The two key words in this debate are "wise" and "always." Truth tempered with wisdom is kinder and gentler, and wisdom often means remaining silent or telling the occasional half truth. It might even mean omitting the "truth" to save someone's feelings. "Always" like "never" are words I have learned to avoid. They "never" allow for exceptions. We do not live in a black or white world. Too many shades of gray exist in our world. Too many exceptions whether we are parents, teachers, sales clerks, diplomats, or neighbors thwart our best intentions to be truthful and honest.

No, it is not wiser to always tell the truth. I'm not even sure it is possible given our own personal perceptions of the world to know "the truth." We only know what we "think" is the truth. A certain amount of honesty is needed at times, but not "always," and it should be tempered with the wisdom to discern when "the truth" is beneficial or just plain hurtful.

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