Yes

by Peter Bremen

Created on: November 16, 2008

Behold the gamer widow.

Like any other hobby that can consume a person body and soul, roleplaying games are addictive, enabling, and ultimately a trap in which not merely your significant other but your relationship can be swallowed up. Like an emotional Bag of Holding, it is an activity that seems small and easily managed on the outside, but once inside it proves an endless sink for time, money and attention better spent on something real - like you.

Those poor souls addicted to roleplaying games - especially the online version, better known as World of Warcrack, City of Bozos or what have you - are just like any addict. They will do anything in order to get their fix, and you have better believe that includes ignoring you. The fact that this addiction is less "respectable" than alcoholism, gambling or public nosepicking only means that the addict is less likely to admit their problem and accept help.

When was the last time that you looked at your significant other's computer and thought of it resentfully as "the Other Woman"?

It is not enough to understand that gamers have a negative social stereotype. More often than not, it is merely a symptom of a far greater issue: social ineptitude. Why confront the fact that you are short, overweight, have poor grooming and hygiene, and know more about the attributes of your Level 60 Fire Mage than about current world events, when you can immerse yourself in a world where you are strong, attractive, powerful and capable of decimating entire villages full of foul undead? Other gamers, likewise immersed in their SimLife, are undemanding when it comes to social graces they themselves lack, providing no reason for improvement and instead only reinforcing the low bar that gamers set for themselves.

This is not to say that there are no intelligent, attractive, socially skilled gamers. Clearly, there are, and they are the elite among their kind. In the land of the blind, clueless and unhygienic, they are one-eyed, socially-aware and Speed Stick-using demigods. But how likely is it that you'll land one?

Here are some helpful tips when looking at an online dating profile that happens to list the word "gamer" or "roleplaying".

1. Find out if they mean gaming *with people* or online (or worse still, if they are convinced that online gameing IS "with people"). If the latter, run - unless you are actively looking for someone whose idea of a good time is killing electronically-generated boars (bores?) in an online forest. The former might have developed some kind of social skills along the way, even if only by accident. As the saying goes, even the unluckiest d20 still rolls a crit once in a while.

2. Do they have other hobbies? This is a sign that you may be dealing with a complete, actual human being and not a cut-out cardboard stand-up of The Dork Knight. Anything that gets them outdoors is a plus, but beware the Live-Action Roleplayer (LARPer), for whom getting outside is usually a prelude to three hours of rock, paper and scissors in order to determine exactly how much of your blood they just sucked. (On the plus side, at least some LARPers know how to dress, as costuming is one way this breed of gamer asserts dominance.)

3. Can they talk intelligently about a variety of subjects? Ask them about current events. Would they get the joke if you called your new Jedi character Oba-Ma Kenobi? Don't be fooled by someone who can go on and on about Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Marvel comic books or Xena: Warrior Princess. These are the signs of a deeply introverted individual with the social skills of a beanbag chair.

4. Cute? Yes, there is that, but a pretty face and an empty mind is a critical failure waiting to happen. The hunky gamer might look like a prize but the Balrog is in the details. This subrace tends to be extremely self-centered, thanks to an endless progression of admirers among the hordes of less attractive gamers. Few things are more evocative of personal horror than realizing you are dating someone who thinks of his appearance in terms like "Striking Looks x4" and "natural Charisma of 69, baby."

5. Speaking of personal horror, imagine the deep emotional scars that result from taking your gamer-SO out in public and having to translate / apologize to all your friends - and worse still, the soul-shattering agony on hearing the words "IT IS YOUR DESTINY!" shouted during climax.

Be warned. These people ("people") exist. And they are tragically enslaved to an imaginary world that will inevitably eclipse the real one - including you, sweetheart - whenever reality becomes slightly more than their introverted Int 28 minds can encompass. Don't fool yourself into thinking they will change once you enter their lives - for most of them, you're just an NPC with some loot that might get dropped when your avatar expires in a burst of computer-generated gore.

This is not to say that you couldn't have some fun dating a gamer. Some of them are truly creative and imaginative people with interesting stories to tell. But just to be on the safe side, wear a blessed silver crucifix and bring a rolled-up copy of the Wall Street Journal with you on the first date - true gamers will take aggravated damage when thwapped on the nose.

Learn more about this author, Peter Bremen.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.