Yes

by Beth Anderle

Created on: March 07, 2009   Last Updated: January 22, 2010

It is very important that children continue to visit a grandparent with Alzheimer's disease, especially if there is a strong bond between them. To love and to feel loved is necessary at every stage of life, and a visit between two people who love each other can have wonderful and therapeutic benefits for grandchild and grandparent - and for other family members as well.

There are many different excuses people use to avoid bringing their children to visit grandparents with Alzheimer's: "I want the children to remember Grandpa as he was." "I don't want them to be frightened." "Grandma's very unpredictable and I don't know if she would enjoy the visit." Really, however, these excuses are just a cover for a simple human emotion: fear.

Too often we fear what we don't understand. We become very uncomfortable when 95-year-old Grandpa asks, "Where is my mother?" or when we realize that Grandma thinks she's at work instead of in the nursing home. It makes us sad, confused, and creates anger at a disease we cannot really understand or fight. Most of us cope with overwhelming feelings by trying to avoid the situation. As a result, many people tend to stay away. And we have many, many lonely and confused people in nursing homes waiting for a visit that never comes.

While it can be difficult to see someone you love falling into the pit of Alzheimer's (and the later stages of the disease are especially difficult), it is important that kids learn early how to deal with the realities of dementia. Children need to understand this is a normal, although awful, thing that can happen in life. They need to be brought fairly frequently so that they begin to accept the changes as just an unfortunate part of life. Prepare them before by saying something like, "Grandma is very sick, and she may not always know who you are, and sometimes she won't make a lot of sense, but she is still Grandma deep down and she needs to know we still love her." Explain to them, in age-appropriate terms, that Alzheimer's is an incurable disease. You should reassure them that this does not happen to everyone, but that it does happen to some adults as they grow older. Then remind them that it is important to stick by the people you love even when they are very ill. Being open and honest with children will help them to cope with the disease and the changes it brings now, as well as preparing then to cope with these types of things when they are adults.

A lot of how children will react depends on how their parents act. It is very important for the parent to behave in a calm, comfortable, and loving manner. It is natural for the child to hang back a little until they are comfortable, so make sure you allow them time to get used to the situation.

Short but frequent visits are the best. It only takes a small amount of time for a hug and kiss, and to pin up a new child's drawing or new photos of familiar people, places, and things. If the person still has a good appetite, bringing a homemade treat and a cup of good coffee, or tea, or even a soda to share together will be a good way to occupy the time and something the child can look forward to. If the grandparent still remembers family things, reminisce together about things in the distant past. Most Alzheimer's patients retain their long-term memory for quite a while into the disease, so encourage Grandma or Grandpa to tell the children stories from their past. Don't correct mistakes, and don't worry about whether the story is true, or what year things happened; that is not the important part. What is important is focusing on the need to make the person with Alzheimer's feel loved and accepted.

There is one very important exception to this, however. If the Alzheimer's patient is actively aggressive and violent, physically or verbally, it may be better for the children to be kept from the situation. It is critical that the children be kept safe from being harmed physically or emotionally. Kids should not be put in a position of feeling threatened by a grandparent.

If the situation is handled well, however, including children in visits to a grandparent with Alzheimer's can be a wonderful opportunity for them to learn how to continue to love and support family and friends in the face of terminal illness.

Learn more about this author, Beth Anderle.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.