Are purity balls the right way to promote sexual abstinence before marriage?

No

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by Lakish Campbell

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Experiencing a purity ball will be a memorable event for some girls on the brink of womanhood. A girl attends a special ceremony in which she vows to protect her innocence to her father. In turn, her father vows to protect her from the impurities of the world.

However, are purity balls the right way of promoting sexual abstinence before marriage? Purity balls are not a good idea because the girl's free will to embrace her sexuality is taken away.

Randy Wilson, a former pastor in Colorado, with his wife, Lisa, founded the purity balls in 1998 at Generations of Light ministry.

In a Glamour magazine interview, Wilson said the ceremonies are "a call for fathers to live lives of purity for their daughters. Looking around, we didn't see anything in the culture to celebrate the father-daughter relationship." (Glamour)

He also added that "if the father isn't involved, our daughters are left to navigate through relationships and culture by themselves." Wilson is the father of seven children, five of them girls.

The ceremony functions like a combination of prom and a wedding. Both father and daughter are dressed lavishly in gowns and tuxedos; white cake is on the menu; vows are spoken and signed; "purity rings" are given. All of these activities are followed by a first dance. An example of the entertainment provided is ballerinas in virginal white tulle.

Daughters are treated as princesses in a fantasy world ruled by perfect romance. Her hero tonight is her father. The highlights are the pledges recited by the daughter:

"I pledge to remain sexually pure until the day I give myself as a wedding gift
to my husband. I know that God requires this of me that he loves me and that he will reward me for my faithfulness." (Glamour)

The father recites this vow:

"I, (daughter's name)'s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the areas of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountability as I lead, guide and pray over my daughter and my family as the high priest in my home. This covering will be used by God to influence generations to come." (USA Today)

Spending quality time with their children is important to most fathers. However, they risk the possibility of blurring boundaries between appropriate and inappropriate.

Accord ing to CovertIncest.org, "Covert incest typically occurs in families where one parent (the shadow parent) does not actively participate in family affairs, thus setting the stage for the other parent (the invasive parent) to turn to a child for emotional support. The invasive parent in effect makes the child a surrogate spouse who is forced to take on the responsibilities of the shadow parent."

Mothers and sons are welcomed to attend. Yet they are literally left in the shadows as father and daughter bond over hugs and kisses. Wilson has hoped that young girls and women "could walk into everything that their femininity is about, their beauty, their dress, their makeup." (USA Today)

The mother-daughter relationship is only hinted at in the pledge. When asked about the mother's role, Wilson responded, "to enjoy the event and to support the father's commitment to integrity in their homes." (USA Today)

What exactly is the mother supporting though? Is she supporting her daughter's decision to become her father's property until she is married? Maybe she is supporting her husband's attempt to put their daughter's sexuality under lock-and-key.

It is the daughter's body and so it should be her decision on whom she gives it to, not her father's choice. It is not his duty to control her sexual essence. Maybe the hidden message being communicated is that women need to be supervised by important men in her life.

One thing that the female guests are taught is commitment. They commit an aspect of themselves that they have yet to learn about, thus giving the impression that their sexuality is taboo, so it has to be hidden. Their identity and self-worth relies a great deal on their sexuality.

While these two components are delicate issues, why are they making such a covenant at age 10? Why are these girls urged to think about sex early? Why are they made to feel guilty if they don't wait until marriage or if they kiss someone? Is it not her life?

Moreover, if she wants to wait, then it should be on her terms, not at her father's urging. Her father should be teaching her how to be independent. He should trust and encourage her to make her own decisions. The message is that the only way they'll be lovable and happy is if they embrace chastity.

What about life after abstinence? Where do unplanned pregnancies, STDs and contraceptives come into play? Are they deemed irrelevant?

According to a study conducted by Peter S. Bearman, a Columbia sociologist and Hannah Bruckner of Yale, 88 percent of pledgers had pre-marital sex.

Bearman found that "kids who are trying to preserve their technical virginity are, in some cases, engaging in much riskier behavior from a public health point of view, an abstinence movement that encourages no vaginal sex may inadvertently encourage other forms of alternative sex that are at higher risk of STDs." (Washington Post)

In a 2006 survey led by Chaplain Byron Weathersbee, 65 percent of females had premarital sex while only 27 percent remained completely chaste. (AMERICAblog)

If purity balls are not the answer, what can strengthen the bond between father and daughter? Learn how to bake cookies or pies together. Go on hikes in order to introduce her to nature and exercise. Take her shopping, teach her how to drive or attend a movie or play together. Better yet, make it a family tradition. That way bonds within the whole family are created and nourished.

Even though supporters claim that purity balls strengthen the relationship between father and daughter by teaching the daughter how she should be treated by men, the issues of covert incest, ignorance and free will still linger around these ceremonies. If purity and chastity is that important, fathers should find less provocative and safer ways of bonding with their daughters.

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