Are parents overprotecting teens?

No

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by Bonniel Rostok

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As an educator of high school and college students and parent of a teenager, I've discovered there is a fine line between overprotection and suffocation. Adolescence is a time for exploring identity, autonomy, and for honing responsibility. However, it is also a time that contains the potential for life-altering mistakes. Adolescence now is not what it was when I was a teenager, just as my own adolescence was different from my parents'. According to the American Medical Association, 11 million teenagers begin drinking before the age of 14; more than half of teens polled claim they drink to excess or binge drink. A study by the Center for Disease Control found that 36% of deaths between the ages of 16 and 19 are the result of car accidents. And, according to the National Council of Crime Prevention, nearly half of teens have been approached by cyber predators or cyber bullies. What's not to fear? My answer, then, to the question of whether or not teenagers are over- protected is "no." However, I say this with caveats, and I would suggest that the protection teenagers receive is often well-intended, but misguided.

Family History
Dr. Giorgio Nardone, in his book The Evolution of Family patterns and Indirect Therapy with Adolescents, discusses how the evolution of the Western family has developed from a strict model to one of extreme permissiveness in which the parents attempt to be the child's "friend." The complicity is accompanied by the message that the world is a deviant and dangerous place. The result, according to Nardone, are "protective prohibitions" such as closing areas where teenagers gather, over-scheduling them in order to keep them out of trouble, or the institution of town curfews. Teenagers under these restrictions are not able to face the obstacles necessary to develop independent judgment or personal responsibility. What becomes deficient in them, says Nardone, "is the experience of obstacles one has to overcome with hard work and tolerance of frustration which can make them aware of their resources." Psychologist Jean Piaget said it in 1928; it holds true today. Teenagers need to be allowed to make mistakes in order to learn from them and develop into self-sufficient adults.

The Dangers
Unfortunately, the dangers teenagers face in our current society are real. As my 14-year-old daughter put it, "it is impossible to over protect a teenager, much less protect them." She continued by stating that even if a teen was locked in the house and only allowed out for school, they would face sex, drugs, and alcohol and, in her experience, after a lot of other things, at the bottom of the list would be bullies and cigarettes. And, according to her, it doesn't matter how many times adults say smoking isn't cool; it does, in fact, look cool to her age group. How, then, do responsible parents counter an onslaught of a large media presence and the real life situations their teenagers face each day, simultaneously keeping their kids in one piece while teaching them self-sufficiency? The answer may lie, at least in part, in parenting style.

Parenting Styles
There are four theoretical parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. The Authoritarian model is the strict family structure described by Giorgio Nardone. This style has a fixed set of rules that are inflexible. Regardless of circumstances, a particular act will always result in punishment. The drawback to this style is that it discourages independent thinking and depends on obedience. Research suggests that children of authoritarian households "tend to be timid, have lower self-esteem, lack spontaneity, and rely to an unusual degree on the voice of authority."

Authoritative parents, much like authoritarian parents, have high expectations for their children but value communication over absolute authority. They are noted for being more open to their children's individual needs and ideas. This style encourages assertiveness and responsibility while maintaining regulation of their children's behavior. Rather than not allowing their teenager to attend a party, authoritative parents would permit the party with clear expectations of behavior in place. Dr. Maryann Rosenthal, author of "Be a Parent, Not a Pushover", says that kids raised in an authoritative household "tend to develop into more competent adults than children brought up in the other styles."

Permissive parenting falls under Nardone's description of the parent who tries to be his or her child's "friend." These parents are described as warm and accepting, however, tend to give in readily to their child's demands. Another example of permissive parenting is tying good grades to material goods. Permissive parenting may also teeter on the edge of falling into the final parenting style, the uninvolved parent, treating their child with indifference and making little or no demands and offering no guidance. The children of permissive and uninvolved parents are at the highest risk for substance abuse, early sexual activity, and report bad relationships with their parents.

Outcome
My daughter hasn't truly reached the throes of adolescence. Her middle school was small, with an ideal student-adult ratio. Kids were well-monitored and she was very concerned with her grades. I keep an eye on her Internet activity; I know her friends and their parents. She recently graduated from this sheltered environment and will be entering a high school with 5,000 students in the fall. Shortly thereafter, she will have a car. I have yet to be fully tested as a parent, but I will strive for the middle ground of authoritative parenting, offering her a combination of expectations and freedoms. But when I err, it will be on the side of caution and most likely, overprotection.

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