Are we really aware of our own children's emotional needs?

No

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by M. Sollinger

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In my years of working with children I have developed a wide understanding of the causes and principal catalysers in the turn of mood of a child, also, the impact it has over the parents or adults close to the infant. Anger, I realized, was marginally accepted by adults, who reacted towards the child's emotional outburst in a negative and intransigent way. What parents should understand is that not ALL expressions of anger mean the same and, not ALL should be received or cautioned in the same way.

Indeed. As adults we have learned (hopefully) to tame our emotions and react collectedly even when pushed but, children do not have that capacity. It is something they have to learn and develop and, it must be understood that, trauma created by the frustrating of this outbursts, can damage the individual's capacity in the future to healthily relate to his/her feelings and hamper the consequent management of the same.

The punctual understanding / accepting of our spouse's anger over some determined situations is seen as positive, as working towards a mutual understanding and supporting relationship, why don't more parents pay attention to their offspring's emotional needs? Children are equally deserving, but don't have the means of telling us.

There was an instance where a mother of three had asked me in. She was in her mid forties, a strong-willed woman that had absolutely wonderful children. The two eldest were independent souls, the woman had had no problem bringing them up. The toddler presented, nonetheless, some signs of being emotionally distressed. This was a complex scenario where you had an experienced mother being confronted with problems, she simply did not recognize as such, precisely BECAUSE of the experience garnered from her motherhood. It was the difference in this baby's character in comparison to that of her eldest siblings what made her emotional outbursts strike as anything but what it really was.

The toddler would cry when bathed, showered, feed. She didn't want to play in the garden or have a dip in the swimming pool. Her mother was in a constant state of alteration. It seemed that no matter what she did it made things worse. It created a very poisoned relationship between the two as, any daily routine, would span further upset.

Since born the baby had not liked to be picked. I was, at first, not totally sure of whether her's was a behavioural or emotional issue.

I observed how the mother interacted with the other two children, what gave me some hints. I came to realize that the baby had an extreme feeling of claustrophobia. If tried to cradle it would cause her body to become so rigid it must have been painful, the kicking and struggling to be released only exacerbated her more and, her mother's tentatives to allay her, by holding her in her arms, had caused the sleepless nights and altercations. In some days I managed to get them being physically close to each other, by instructing to hold the baby under her arms and at distance from one's body and other exercises, like allowing the baby to be on top of her mother as she lay down on the floor.

Another thing that was important was to NEVER raise the voice, whereas with the eldest it was required, this unsettled the baby with soft, real low talking and smiles we worked wonders.

Bath time was a hard one. I saw that she reacted much better thanks to the bettering of her emotional balance but, I assumed it was cause of fear for her. I realized that the mother had pushed her busy life's hurries over the baby's emotions. In truth, the infant had a problem with wetness. Also when fed. We changed the menu which meet instant success. For bath time we kept the hands dry whilst we wiped her body with towels and played along.

This experience showed that there was a reason behind the outbursts and listening to it was vital. The frustration of the attempts of the baby of releasing herself only caused her further psychological pain, and so forth.

Three years on and she is a healthy, happy child by playing she helps her mother to shampoo her hair and even helps in washing the dishes!

It was brave what that mother did, asking for help from a stranger, but our children's happiness is paramount, isn't it? We can all learn from others and must remember that, no matter how stressed or busy we are, our children require all the time and understanding in the world.

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