No

by Laura LeFae

Created on: November 18, 2010   Last Updated: November 30, 2010

While there are some mothers who seem to fall in love with their zygote from the moment of conception, other women can't help feeling differently. A woman does not have to yearn for  a baby to adore it. The joy of pregnancy may shock them as much as it shocks others. On the other hand, a woman who has planned a pregnancy, conceives and finds out the exciting news may be let down by  her own lukewarm feelings. Maybe she had expected more. Maybe the physical toll and sacrifices are beyond what she had imagined. Mothers in this situation may feel that bliss will come later, but may never experience the fireworks, swooning, the long moments spent simply looking into the eyes of the infant she carried for nine months. Post partum depression can be a component of this disappointment.  On the same token, these emotions, or lack there of can contribute to postpartum to a large degree.

With recent research and very good exposure, post partum depression has become a house hold term. And though not fully understood, great strides are being made to ensure that mothers and most importantly, their children get the emotional care that they need to thrive. For mothers who do not understand their children's moods and behaviors and who do not suffer from depression or other post partum illnesses, only mind set stands between them and a fulfilling relationship with their child.

The first way to change the situation is to become aware of your mental rhetoric. A good example and a great place to start is pregnancy. Many of us are shocked at the sluggishness we feel. With our lowered immune systems, blood sugar and blood pressure fluctuations,pregnancy takes a toll on our bodies.  Some days it becomes a task just to think of anything other than our dizziness or nausea. When we take the words "I" and "me" out of the picture, all that's left is "him" or "her", in reference to the fetus. We can become more aware of them and feel connected.

Lessons can be learned from mothers prescribed bed rest. These mothers find that the easiest way to deal with it is to count movements,and appreciate every wiggle or hiccup. With little else to occupy their time they focus entirely on the fetus. By the time they make their last few doctors appointments they can tell they doctor which way the baby is laying, how the baby feels, etc, without the use of an ultrasound. They use the challenge of being physically incapacitated to bond with their child before they actually see them, thus giving them a headstart on becoming aware of their childrens' emotional needs.

Bonding with a toddler going through the dreaded "terrible twos" can be a trying time in a parents' life. Your child  hears you shout, "no!" and can even shout , "No!" right back at you. They may even understand what it means early on, but rather than follow your directions they do the opposite of what you tell them, have a tantrum or both. Empathy is key to understanding the emotional needs at this phase of life. Imagine you are in their shoes. That you have just learned to move about, and notice the world. So many things fascinate you and grab your attention. You do not know if they will hurt you, you do not fully understand what hurt is.  You see something pretty and you feel you have to move toward it and when you get to it, you must taste it and touch it. It's the only thing you want in the world. How would you feel if someone or something stopped you from getting the only thing you wanted? This is where explaining and demonstrating cause and effect to your child  begins. And though they may not understand right off, they will enjoy asking "why" and hearing what you have to say.

How many times have you heard it said that the reason for a child's bad behavior is to get attention? As poor of an excuse as it may seem it is often true. This can  be the cause of behavioral problems in all age ranges. Luckily it can be one of the easiest blocks to emotional bonding to remove. It's as simple as asking a child how their day was, then actually listening and commenting on the child's reply.  Give your honest advice and never treat a child's problem as if it isn't important.

Lastly, remembering that you are an amazing parent can help strengthen your bond with your child. Life sometimes gets in the way of connecting with children on an emotional level, but with a little daily or even hourly affirmation, we can get back that instinctive bond we deserve. We are all equipped with it, regardless of how deep it is buried.   

Learn more about this author, Laura LeFae.
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