Confining

by Elizabeth Wordsmith

Created on: May 23, 2008

Play yards and playpens are too confining. They represent the first compromise parents make to good parenting. After the playpen, we move on to using the television and video games as "babysitters" for our children.

Why do we need to confine our children? It's certainly not for their benefit. We use them for our convenience so that we can get our chores done or have a conversation on the phone. The problem with the playpen and play yard is that we often over use them. They give us a false sense of security. And they limit our interactions with our children and our children's interactions with their environment.

Whoever is in attendance of a young child should be fully engaged in the child's activities. There is no task more important. No matter what a child is doing, the caregiver should be constantly vigilant. It only takes a second for disaster to strike. The playpen gives the parent a sense that he or she can leave the child alone in a safe environment while she takes care of other matters. But it only takes a moment for a child to ingest something and choke or to fall and hurt themselves. This can happen just as easily in a playpen or within a play yard as when playing on the floor within the parent's view.

The child wants two things: to have the parent's full attention and to explore their world. They get neither of these things in a play pen. When my children were little, they hated the playpen. They would pull themselves up at the side and cry until I took them out. So, I found other uses for their pen. It became useful for clutter control or housing some object such as a Christmas tree which I didn't want them to have access to. It's a great place to put folded laundry until you have the time to put it away. It's a great place for toys. And it's a great place for wrapped Christmas presents or birthday presents you don't want your little ones opening until the big day. I would also use it somewhat when we traveled in case the new environment wasn't baby-proofed.

Becoming a parent requires many compromises. However, the benefits outweigh the things we give up. I found out very early that I would have to give up my control of the decorating and storage to the needs of my children. You have to pick your battles because there will be many. The easiest thing to do is to allow your child to teach you how to be a good parent. My children taught me that their primary need was for me to give my full attention to them. They didn't care if the house was neat and clean. But they did care if I was playing with them and responding to their antics. They wanted to be at my side to see whatever I was doing. So, I made the areas of my house accessible to them fully safe for their exploration.

In the kitchen, I set aside some cabinets just for them. They could play with the pots and pans, crawl in the space, or put their own toys in the cabinets. Of course this did limit what I could store in the lower cabinets, but the trade-off was well worth it. I could get my kitchen chores done and they could play happily and securely at my feet.

In the bathroom, I removed all the usual stuff one stores under the sink and instead put only the towels there. I got very good at folding towels quickly, but that was also well worth any inconvenience to me. If I needed to clean a bathroom, they could play with the towels and be perfectly content.

My closet was a favorite place of exploration for my crawlers and toddlers. They especially loved trying on the shoes. I think they also just loved watching whatever I was doing. I understood this because some of my fondest memories of childhood are about watching my parents getting ready for church or some event. Watching my dad shave or my mother put on her lipstick and straighten her nylons with the seams. Can a child enjoy getting to know their parents like that from the confines of a play pen? The parents are the center of the child's universe. They want to be a part of everything we are doing. Since that stage doesn't last too long, we should indulge them and indulge ourselves at the same time.

Besides giving up space to our children (they and their things do seem to take over), we also need to learn how to re-prioritize our time and become something of efficiency experts.
The first two years of a child's development are so important. Parents need to be talking to their children, reading to them, playing games with them, introducing them to the world. This is no time to be focusing on the decor of the house or expecting the home to look model perfect. The parents need to learn to give themselves over to their child's needs and take care of housecleaning tasks and paperwork when they can. That may mean giving up some sleep time by attending to these tasks when the child has gone to bed. But that is worth it to have a well adjusted, secure child who is learning verbal and motor skills and fully bonding with us.

I worry about young parents today. They are so stressed out with bills and work demands. They bring these things home with them and have to make the choice between sitting down to pay bills and work on the budget or playing with their child. The playpen or the television are such temptations to use as crutches so they can get their work done. But what about their children? These kids spend the day in a babysitter's care or at a day care center. Some of the lucky ones spend the day with a grandparent who can give them their due attention. What little time they have with their parents they deserve to have completely and not be relegated to a play pen.

We as a society need to evaluate what we are creating. Are we inventing more ways to spend less time with our children, to find substitutes for our attention? There is no substitute for a parent's attention. Children need it and will demand it in some way. The worst case scenario is that they will act out and misbehave until they get it, even if it means some sort of punishment will come to them. In the absence of attention from parents, they will seek out attention from some other parental figure and possibly become at risk of abuse by someone with ulterior motives.

I think we have this misconception about what our children need. We justify some of our behavior by convincing ourselves that we spend "quality" time with our children. Well, kids are not like food that can be nuked for a few minutes giving the approximate result as baking in the oven for a much longer time. The results with children are in proportion to the time spent with them.

However we adapt to the demands of life that sometimes are in conflict with the demands of our children, we must have the children as the top priority. Adjustments can be made in other areas of life so we don't have to sacrifice our precious time bonding and interacting with them. Parents, take a look at the things you use to substitute for your attention. Then, get rid of them.

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