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Add to FavoritesLet 'em wait. It's not really about knowing when to start, it's about knowing when to stop. Our children live in an age of entitlement. They believe they deserve and should get whatever they want, need, or hope for with parents as the Cornucopia of Plenty.
Children of wealthy parents frequently (but not always) are given everything their little hearts desire. Children of parents in the lower ninety percent of the population (the rest of us) want everything their little hearts desire and they argue for it by pointing to their rich friends and exclaiming with tearful lashes and a petulant pout that that's reason enough for we parents to rise to the occasion no matter how financially difficult.
And, too often, we do it.
For at least fifteen years, we parents provide everything for our children. It's the way it has to be until the kids are old enough to get that part-time job and begin contributing to the family welfare (regardless of income) so they will learn the value of education, work, diligence, sacrifice and reward and be able to pass those lessons on to their own children. Providing for our children is a habit that's hard to break.
When the demands exceed income, we fall prey to the "keeping up with the Joneses" syndrome and go into debt. She-he's so sweet, we say. Look at those eyes, we say. I'll do it just this one last time, we say.
We don't know when to stop.
We look into those baleful, limpid eyes and give them everything we can. They learn only that they can rely on someone else to provide for their needs.
It's a tough call. The decision to withhold or give would challenge Solomon himself. Who among us wants our child to risk depravity or social scorn because we withheld financial aid? Surviving in the modern world isn't cheap. An automobile is a necessity and public transportation is reserved for the poor, we think. College is expensive and how can our darlings attend without help, we think. Cell phones and Internet access are standard fare for our kids but they don't have the money for such necessities, we think.
One bird does not fly on another's wings. How far should we go in the belief that if we keep paying for our children's needs they will somehow learn to provide for themselves? The challenge of adversity and self-reliance kicks in only if our children are made to deal with it.
A fable, if I may: One day a hunter came upon a chrysalis depending from the wire of a fence on a meadow. The chrysalis writhed in motion and caught his eye. For hours, the hunter watched as a beautiful butterfly slowly began to emerge. Overwhelmed by compassion, the hunter pulled the butterfly from the chrysalis whereupon it promptly died.
The moral? It is the struggle to emerge that gives the butterfly the strength to live.
Too often we ignore this profound lesson. Too often we cave, out of love and compassion, and pull them from their chrysalis in the hope they will learn to survive.
My own family is an example. My father and mother were born in 1910 and 1916, respectively. They experienced the Great Depression and knew something of personal sacrifice and strife. They scrimped and saved while I and my siblings were born and raised. They worked hard and prospered. I left the nest at nineteen for places hundreds, and later thousands, of miles away and did just fine. My brother and sister, born eight years after me, never lived more than two miles from the ancestral home and benefited from that proximity. They got cars, they got shopping sprees, they got college tuition, they got apartments and appliances, they got loans for their homes and business start-ups. They were both educated professionals who relied completely on my parents for living the good life.
My brother managed to squander a quarter-million dollars. My mother couldn't resist his agonized pleas for his next venture and gave him another sixty-thousand after his second bankruptcy, which soon ended in his third bankruptcy. I have no qualms about my brother's lack of judgment or his impact on whatever I may inherit from what's left. Frankly, I don't know what's left and I don't care. I object only to his vacant insolence that no matter what he did, if he failed, there was always more money for his next failure. It wasn't until my mother died at 84 that my father (now 97) finally cut him off from the family tit. Oddly enough, he's done fine since then.
If we want our children to be responsible, we must force them to take responsibility. If we want them to be independent, we must push them out of the nest. If we want them to be strong, we must let them emerge from the chrysalis without our assistance.
Learn more about this author, Michael Patrick.
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Now
Who among us went through the worry, angst and confusion of raising a child to adult hood and now considers a bank account some sort of light at the end of the tunnel? Those fortunate enough to have accumulated enough wealth to live comfortably during their lifetime, and also provide for their children after they're gone, are indeed blessed. Providing help to one's children, while still on this old planet, may be an even bigger blessing as it can be shared and enjoyed with the recipients.
Leaving a monetary/property inheritance to children is a comforting contemplation for any parent. Most will attest to the fact that leaving enough for their kids to experience ongoing security after their demise has been a lifetime goal. That's a caring, loving, admirable attitude. but often contributing here and now is just as important.
It's a topic that should be discussed frankly and openly with one's children. It's not beyond reason they should be asked for their opinion on the matter. Many adult children consider establishing a career, lifestyle and family an individual challenge and don't want to miss the learning experience and rewards of reaching that goal independently.
Others, for whatever reason, welcome financial help with open arms and are delighted to have a bit of the day-to-day survival burden lifted from their shoulders. Everyone is aware that financial crunches arise, not only for our kids, but for anyone, that just require a little help and sustenance.
It's a foregone conclusion that should one's children, or grandchildren, fall victim to a debilitating illness, financial help should be extended immediately if possible. Hopefully, a child is responsible enough to have provided insurance for such an eventuality but often insurance isn't enough. There's tremendous expense involved with serious illness that insurance doesn't cover. If parents can step in and help financially there's no reason not to do so.
Grandparents are probably the most important people in the world to grandchildren, after their parents. Spending money on grandchildren is usually a great delight for grandparents and when handled with common sense brings joy to all. Money spent on outings, gifts and travel with grandchildren often create memories, and living skills, that remain with little ones through adulthood.
Helping grown children buy a home and establish traditions of their own is a gift beyond compare. Every parent knows the importance home ownership is in establishing an on-going sense of security and well being for both adult children and grandchildren. If possible, would it not be prudent to contribute to the acquisition of a home while grandchildren are still young and need roots?
Today's economy, such as it is, is cause for concern by anyone of any age but those with young families seem to bear the heaviest burden. Children, as grandparents know by experience, are not only one of life's treasures but are very expensive to maintain. Between lunches, braces, childhood injuries, school functions, sports, social occasions and education the little darlins' are a veritable money pit! When grandparents can help out a bit it relieves the pressure on parents.
Stashing a bit of money away for grandchildren's education is a goal of many grandparents and a noble one. A bank account set up for that purpose often encourages parents to also contribute to the fund. Being integrally involved in the lives of one's children and grandchildren is rewarding in and of itself and even more so if a monetary gift can be offered occasionally for whatever purpose.
Those who can contribute financially to their children, both while they're alive and after death, have the best of all worlds. It's rare that one doesn't contribute financially, in some way, to their children's and grandchildren's lives while still living. It seems, however, one's children inheriting after one's death is often of great concern to parents. That concern is usually based on the degree of responsibility one's children have exhibited in the past.
There are many forms of inheritance control and stop-gaps that can be legally included in one's Last Will and Testament to prevent inherited money or property being foolishly expended. Trusts are a very common way to ensure an inheritance is used in the manner for which it was intended. A trust inheritance can be "doled out" in reasonable amounts to ensure ongoing security rather than risking the possible purchase of an island in the South Pacific.
When to help one's children financially is a personal matter of choice and judgment. A neighbor decided recently that she just couldn't face having the "when I'm gone" inheritance talk with her son and daughter-in-law so she wrote them a note to be opened upon the occasion of her death:
"My dearest children - Here's my bank account numbers. The bills I owe are always stacked on top of the desk in the den. The key to the lockbox is taped under the middle desk drawer. When I die, I suggest you remove the lockbox key taped under the desk and take it, along with my bank account numbers to the bank. Once at the bank, take everything from the lockbox and all the money from the bank accounts. Go back home and pay the bills. My fondest wish is that you'll have one hell of a good time on whatever's left. All my love, Mother."
Learn more about this author, Angela Blair.
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