No

by Suzy kew

Created on: May 31, 2010   Last Updated: June 02, 2010

It is a hard time of your life when you need to take in one or both of your parents.  You give up much of your privacy and take on more responsibilities than you might expect.  Those responsibilities might increase your parent or parents age or their health begins to decline.  Doing it on your own is almost impossible and expecting your spouse to is unreasonable.  It is a two person job to say the least.

I know from experience.  I remember when we decided that my mother-in-law would move in with us.  It seemed like a great idea.  Then, she was pretty healthy and able to do a lot for herself. 

We thought it would be great to have her help with the kids who were then quite young.  Well, Ma moved in and did her own thing, going to play bingo all day, which didn't leave a lot of time to help me with the kids.

I took her to all of her necessary doctor and other appointments when she wasn't at bingo and helped her pay all of her bills.  When we asked if we could go out for an evening, my husband and I had to wait till almost ten o'clock till she would return from bingo. 

I quickly realized we were just somewhere for her to live.  We and our children were not a priority so I just hired babysitters if we wanted to go out or worked our plans around her bingo.

A few months after she moved in, Ma took a terrible fall at a friends house and it left her in a cast up to her shoulder and down to her wrist.  She had several stitches in her head and a cracked pelvis.  A month after staying in the hospital, she was returned to me.  I showered her a few times a week and made all of her meals. 

I also gave her her meds and took her blood since we found out she was also diabetic.  I took her to all or most of her appointments related to the accident.  I asked for help but everyone else was always busy and, although I owned my own home based business, they all had to work.

She healed and started to go back to bingo but only once in a while.  I found myself trapped in my own home with her.  Because I am self-employed, I didn't often leave the house which made it worse.  Back then my husband was traveling and hardly home and unable to help. 

I began resenting him and his family for abandoning me and leaving me with all of the responsibilities of looking after their mother.  I asked for help but soon realized I was wasting my breath.  His mother, having given up bingo, had a new hobby...me. 

She would ask where I was going every time I left the house and order me around.  Not her intentions I am sure.  I adore her to this day but because she had nothing else to do, she would want to know everything I was doing. 

Then she starting making appointments or telling me to for her.  I felt like she was bossing me around all the time.  I began dreading returning home.

When my husband's family would come visit her they would call our house "Gramma's House".  I felt like telling her maybe she should start paying the mortgage if it is her house.  This sounds like it was awful and it was becoming so.  My husband and I jointly decided we needed a break. 

No one wanted to take her for a while.  We really felt like she would do well in a nursing home.  Her health was declining as was her vision.  With two young children to also care for and a traveling husband, I was at my wits end and then I got into a car accident and was left with chronic pain. 

She told me to "suck it up" and that was the end of my patience.  Although she might have been joking, my feelings were crushed.  I loved and took care of her and that was the thanks I got. 

My husband asked his sister to take their mother in.  Everyone in his family became very angry with me and some still to the day won't speak to me or are harsh when they do.

Think long and hard before taking in a member or your or your spouse's family.  It can ruin your marriage and break family ties.  Family members won't understand what you have gone through.  I can guarantee it.

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