Should adult children be responsible for the care of their elderly parents?

Yes

1 of 18

by Teetant

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Frankly, I am amazed that we are even having a debate on this issue. But, alas, it is true that we need one badly. Because, in a way our society has already answered this question in kind: There are far too many aging parents that do not receive the due help, support, love, and care from their children. Not caring for the elderly parents and putting them in nursing homes is so common that it is considered the norm. And those few who do care are only looked upon as exceptions, some strange saintly people. In a way, our society has already said, Absolutely Not! We don't have to care for our elderly parents. Clearly, we not only need a debate, we need a wake-up call. We need enlightenment.

Whatever may be the circumstances leading to it, a child's birth is a life changing event for the father and the mother who create the child. When the child is born, they undergo a metamorphosis. They grow up. The lovers suddenly become parents. They are cast in the roles of a dad and a mom. And whether out of natural love or social pressure in caring and providing for their children, the fact remains that most parents shower their children with the best life, luxuries, and opportunities they can afford, and only wish they themselves had when they were children. In fact, many parents go beyond, and sacrifice their own aspirations in order to provide the best for their children. They try to make their children into the idealized image of their own selves, what they wish they could or should have been. As children, most of us are the beneficiaries of such princely treatment by our parents.

Normally we are very punctual and particular in appreciating anyone doing anything for us. In a civilized society of ours, we nod at and wish strangers passing by us on the street, hold doors open even for people we do not know, and do not forget to say Thank You when people do something for us, even if as a part of their job. We don't stop and say to ourselves, this person is holding the door only because he cannot come in unless I get out of his way; or that person is being so nice to me on the phone only because this call is being monitored and recorded for her evaluation later. Why are we then so failing in appreciating what our parents did for us?

We are one of the most giving nations in the world. We donate to charities to help the needy at home and around the world. When there is a famine, earthquake, hurricane, cyclone, tsunami or any other natural disaster in the world, we are the first ones to rush there with help. Our hearts melt when we see people in distress. We bring refugees to our country and give them a new life. We don't hesitate to make even the ultimate sacrifice of life we send our soldiers to die so strangers in foreign lands can live in freedom. How and why then are we willing or able to forget all that the two people closest to us - our parents have done for us? How come then we don't have the courtesy to express our gratitude to them in word and in kind, and do the same for them in time of their need? How can we, the most compassionate people in the world, become so cold and indifferent to our own two parents?

One reason probably is because we have mistakenly created this great divide between our personal and our social selves. We have reserved our generosity and such other virtues for our social life only, and become aloof, indifferent, and cold in our personal lives. We have become apprehensive of personal involvement and created institutions instead to deal with each other. We hesitate to give a glass of water to someone fainted on the sidewalk for the fear of being sued, and call 911 instead. We have replaced family and friends by counselors and psychologists. We have replaced personal visits by phone calls, phone calls by greeting cards, and those now by e-cards.

May be as a society, we have set wrong priorities in our personal lives. We have given too much importance to material wealth, and lost out on our spiritual health. We keep running after mirages, and away from fountains of happiness that are already near us. In our quest for self-gratification, we have forgotten that the greatest happiness is not just having but in sharing, and in giving, and seeing the happiness and surprise on the faces of those who receive. We have narrowed the definition of family to parents and minor children. We enjoy not just giving but even sacrificing for our children, but only until they are 18. We have become strangers to the very people who are nearest and dearest to us, and who can be our greatest source of strength: our grown up children on one side and our parents on the other.

Ask most people as to what was the best time of their life, and they would fondly remember their childhood. Yet, they don't realize that they can still relive that magical childhood, at least for a short while, when they are with parents. They can always go back to their parents' home for a vacation and enjoy reliving their childhood. There, they could forget the present and enjoy their mom's doting, their dad's care and advice even on little things. These are the two people whose motives you never have to suspect. For you know, whatever they say and do is always for your own good. You know, these are your two greatest friends in the world.

It is possible that some do not have very fond memories of their childhood. May be some never got along with their parents while growing up. Or may be someone's parents showed favoritism toward their sibling over them. May be someone's parents refused to help them once they were 18. May be someone did not have the ideal parents. All that does not have to stop us. Time has already taken its toll on them. They are no more the same mighty parents you knew. They are weak and fragile. They know their mistakes. They would know they were not perfect. We can still be nice to them. Respect them, care for them. They will doubly appreciate it.

Remember, we are parents of our children too. We love our children dearly. They too may not think we are perfect. They too may have grudge against us. Would we not like them to remember that whatever we are doing is with good intentions? Would we not like them to take care of us and support us physically, financially, and most of all emotionally, when we are old and lonely? If so, what role model will they have, unless they see us care for our parents with the same love that we would like to receive from our own children? What better way to teach them how to appreciate all that is good in others? What better to show how to value good intentions and accept human imperfections?

The best way to bring great happiness in our lives is to begin changing ourselves in two directions. Be there for your children, not just until they are 18, but for the rest of your lives. Make them feel that your home is always going to be their home. Where ever you are, there will always be a place for them in your home. And they would be always welcome. On the other hand, let them see how you care for your elderly parents. See the joy on your parents faces when you show them respect even in matters you don't really agree with them. And see the amazement on your children's faces when they see that you can be so strong, so accomplished, in the prime of your life, and yet be so humble before your parents. It will teach them values like kindness, gratitude, compassion, respect, true love and humility that they won't learn by attending any number of summer camps and ethics classes. Let your children see their mighty parents themselves becoming children just like themselves, when with their own parents.

It is time we all realize that our elderly parents are God's gift to us. They are a blessing. And this blessing will not last forever. We must cherish that blessing by spending time with our parents, enjoying their company, and giving them back the same love and care they once gave us. Caring for our elderly parents is the greatest privilege bestowed upon us. It is certainly our duty to care for our elderly parents, but it can also be our greatest joy in life, and a great service to our own children.

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