No

by Sandra Lowen

Created on: February 06, 2010

BUYING CHILDREN’S LOVE WITH EXPENSIVE GIFTS

I still see Jana in my mind: gray Calvin Klein distressed jeans still crisp from their packaging, pink cashmere hoodie speckled with silver flecks, golden hair spilling in perfect tendrils down her cheeks, plastered to her face by her tears. She held a letter in her bejeweled hand, and she was trembling.

“It’s from my parents,” she said. “They’re going to Europe for Christmas. They’ve sent a check, so I can go wherever I like.” With that pronouncement she disappeared into her single room.

For a hot minute I wanted her life: to be free to trot the globe without the encumbrance of parents, with their rules and caveats. But looking at Jana, I could tell she didn’t feel the same. Her parents provided her with what they thought every seventeen-year-old wanted: freedom.

Jana wanted them.

She decided to go to the Bahamas. She booked a room on Paradise Island and bought some hats and a dress she could wrap six ways, but that would be useless back home until summer. She met a boy and pretended she thought she loved him long enough to lose her virginity and her self-respect to him. Back on campus, she made the requisite trip to the infirmary, where she discovered she’d dodged several bullets. She refused her parents’ calls for a few days, then spoke to them in that breathless way that should have indicated to them that she was terribly disappointed with them.

They thought they had given Jana a very special holiday. Jana, on the other hand, spent most of the rest of the semester trying to forget it.

Pushed Away

In this age of must-have gadgets, many parents lose focus. Many don’t worry too much that their children want things; all a parent has to do to get them is to work harder. Giving of a parent’s self, however, is another matter. Many parents insist that they come home tired and stressed, and cannot think of much that they want to do, other than ‘vedge out’ in front of the TV with a drink and a snack and let the world go by. Surely, they convince themselves, their children have friends, whose company surely they prefer to some wrung-out parent. And there is always the TV and its Wii and Blu-ray appendages. But in some other room, please.

It has become custom, particularly in more developed countries, to abandon children to their own devices early. All too often, however, this leads not only to a weakening of the family bond, but also to the unraveling of the very stuff that family stands for. Where, if Mom and Dad choose to flit off with little notice, to Bali or Bimini or the South of France, is the child to learn love, constancy and safety? Jana’s check bought little for her but the right to rebel. If, to a child, 'things' can rise to the level of love and appropriate parenting, then why not opt for ‘things’ when faced with family emergencies? How does a 2x3 rectangle of plastic hug, or comfort, or give level-headed advice in a topsy-turvy world, during the most tumultuous time of a child’s life?

Learning What’s Important

My friends Bob and Jan didn’t have much, but they had love between each other, and they decided that was enough. They bought a little piece of land and restored a doublewide modular home that was rotting on it. Their three children ran back and forth, carrying nails and hammers to their mom and dad and grandpa, who moved in to help with construction. They helped plant the vegetable garden and they chose the best place for the hibachi grill to go. They brought fruit drinks out to the plumbers and woodworkers, and helped prepare meals when everyone else was occupied. They massaged their mom’s feet when she collapsed, exhausted, on the sofa and helped each other with homework and dressing.

They have a television, but short of Nat Geo and a couple of Animal Planet shows, they rarely watch it. They have a pile of teddy bears, Thomas Tanks and tea sets but they don’t get a lot of play. The children would much rather venture to Home Depot with Grandpa to pick up fixtures for the sinks or grocery shop with Mom for dinner.  And when I came bearing what I supposed were the obligatory house gifts for winning the children’s attention, I found they were far more interested in me, though Lisa, the only girl, did wear the ballerina skirt I bought her for the next three days. These children knew when to withdraw, as well. When they saw their parents immersed in conversation with each other or other people, they found things to do alone or together.

Hurry, or you’ll miss it!

In the movie ‘Hook’, Robin Williams’ character gives his children everything but his time. He almost loses his son’s affections when the wily Captain Cook recognizes what the child really wants: a father who is there.

Why do parents feel the need to shower their children with pricey gifts? Do the children annoy them so much? Are they guilty about something? Are they really trying to buy their children’s affection? Do they feel their own company has no value?

Children are young for such a short time. When they are grown and gone, it is too late to realize that all the plastic in the world, all the fast cars and spangled jewelry, all the cashmere sweaters and funded trips to whichever coast is convenient cannot stand up to the treasure of a pair of warm arms around one’s neck, or the whispered words, “I love you so much!”

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