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Add to FavoritesMediation requires impartiality, patience and diplomacy, three things that all mothers are supremely endowed with when it comes to their children. Regardless of their age, conflicts will always arise among siblings. There are innumerable motivational factors at play between our children that it is impossible to truly understand all of the complex dynamics. Often times our mothers are a major factor in whatever conflicts might arise, either directly or indirectly.
The issues could be self evident in a conflict, but more often there is an underlying motivation that is unspoken that motivate two siblings into rivalry. Parents and mothers specifically have more insight into such intricacies than anyone else. This fact alone dictates that our mothers would be the best arbitrators to mediate a conflict. Beyond this simple paternal bond is the fact that you will likely never find another mediator with a truly sympathetic ear to both parties. A mother must be impartial, not because of being placed in the position of mediator, but because a mother cannot afford to take sides with either child.
The voice of reason comes from many places, but when it comes from a familiar and comforting person it is much more likely to be heeded. Mothers hold sway over their children through a bond that is impossible to replicate and just as difficult to explain. Regardless of how well understood this bond is its existence is undeniable. While there are certainly exceptions, very few people can truly deep down resist the machinations of their mothers. Your race, religion or culture matter not when it comes to the reverence and respect that mothers are accorded. That high state in our minds alone warrants their judgment and decisions to be heard and heeded.
Outside of the authority emanating from our mothers and the impartiality they must maintain, our mothers are always looking out for our best interests. There are few independent parties that would be as interested in our well being as our mother. In the case of a sibling disagreement you can rest assured your mother is equally interested in the best thing for both sides. She is sure to conduct herself in a manner befitting the reverence placed on her and ensure that both sides are treated amicably during the entirety of the dispute.
As we grow older our views and opinions change. Our passions shift and our priorities become clearer. No longer are we governed by the adolescent impulses that drove us to conflict with our brothers and sisters in the past. As such the conflicts of older siblings take on a much more sober and intense nature than the petty squabbling that once marked the arguments our mothers had to get involved in. Philosophical debates are something our mothers will likely tend to keep their distance from. However, they are still imminently qualified to mediate a dispute even if they do not truly understand the nature of the dispute. The fact remains that a mother knows her children. She understands their motivations and their mindsets and has an insight unique to solving conflicts between them.
It is perhaps in these later years when our mother's mediation is most needed. When two siblings reach a point in which they have fundamentally differing opinions and views on the world there is very little anyone can do to bring them around to common ground. At this stage they are largely set in their ways and getting them to agree on terms is difficult at best, impossible at worst. This is when a mother can resolve a conflict without necessarily achieving agreement on a subject. Sometimes it is better to agree to disagree then to continue a conflict. This middle ground is an area that a mother can impose her influence to have her children meet and resolve issues.
While not all mothers meet the qualifications stated here, and certainly not all siblings are as reasonable as the assumptions put forth in this document, for the most part our mothers are uniquely suited to resolving our conflicts. Before one can put their differences aside there must be an attitude of trust and understanding. No one embodies these two principles more than our mothers, regardless of how old we are. We might not realize this while we are young, but we always come to appreciate it once we reach a certain maturity level.
Learn more about this author, Joseph Whalen.
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No
There comes a time in life when we all have to let go. The kids have to allow the apron strings to be cut, but the parents (moms especially) have to actually cut the strings. When two adult siblings have a serious (whether real or imagined) conflict they have to work things out themselves, just like any two other adults. If they refuse to work things out and continue to bicker, mom has to maintain a separate and meaningful relationship with both parties, but she also needs to butt out of the original conflict. Her involvement can only lead to bad blood between the siblings, whether it's over perceived favoritism or some other perception. I can understand a mother wanting to get involved, but doing so will more often than not cause more harm than good.
I have experienced this in my own family. In fact , there was two generations worth of it going on. I'm embarrassed to say that I was at least partially involved. Fortunately, in all cases, for the most part, the respective mothers stayed on the sidelines. First, the story of my dad's generation.
My dad is the oldest of six siblings. For the most part, they all always got along. At the passing of my grandmother (my father's mother), all six adult children and all 18 (for the most part adult) grandchildren gathered for the funeral. There was a touching moment I'll never forget on my dad's back porch. My dad and his three brothers and two sisters were all out there alone-for probably the first time in 50 or more years. No spouses, no kids, no grandkids. Just the six of them. It was a pretty cool picture. After the funeral, one of my uncles decided to set up a family reunion. They had the reunion in Dallas the first year and things moved around from there, as our extended family is spread out around the country.
Well, things went smoothly the first several years, but then one year, at the end of a reunion, the various siblings were discussing where the next year's reunion would be. Somehow or other, this erupted into a major fight. (I know-ridiculous). One of my uncles ended up not speaking to two or three of his siblings for something like six years. They've since patched things up and are speaking to one another. Now, obviously, in this case, their mother couldn't get involved. My dad, who's the patriarch of the family now, also remained uninvolved. Oh, he told all the siblings separately that they were being stupid, but he never took sides or tried to mediate. When siblings maintain an argument, it just doesn't pay to get involved.
The tiff that occured during my generation was a little less intense. My oldest brother and I spent a short time complaining about the second oldest brother in our family. He worked for the phone company and got free long distance, but we were the ones who always had to make the call, if we were to speak to him. It wasn't a huge deal, just an irritant. We'd jokingly deride Dave (ther phone company brother) behind his back, but it never got too serious. Mike, my oldest brother, took it a little further than I did, in that, for a year or so, he refused to call Dave at all. My mom, bless her heart, wisely stayed out of it, other than to say to both Mike and me, "I wish you two would be more forgiving of Dave." In the end, there was never a real time when Dave and I never spoke. Mike patched things up with Dave on his own (based in large part on the silliness with my uncles and aunts). We're all relatively happy with each other-and all without mom's intervention. I think if she had intervened, it just would have made things worse.
Should a mother continue to mediate her adult children when conflicts arise among them? Adult siblings are like any two other adults when it comes to conflict. One or both have to realize how silly the original conflict is to begin with and be willing to talk about it-then put it behind them. They need to be able to do this without the intervention of anyone-and maybe most especially, mom. It may or may not look like favoritism. It may or may not look as if mom is taking sides. No matter the perception, no real good can come of a mom's getting involved. These adults need to work out things among themselves.
Learn more about this author, Paul Schingle.
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