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Domestic Violence & Abuse
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| Walk away | 64% | 895 votes | Total: 1402 votes | |
| Stay | 36% | 507 votes |
Walk away
by Candy Jules
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Add to FavoritesIt's never easy to just walk away from an abusive person. It's obvious there are already anger issues, and when they are crossed, they become more violent. Staying with someone who is violent can get you killed. It's a very touchy dangerous situation.
Even when you love someone, you should never have to endure abuse. It happens over and over again. All the sorry's, and promises are the same as they were before. Only, each time it gets worse, and harder to get away. Many times the violent one just won't let go, even though it's obvious that this party is not capable of showing love.
When someone inflicts pain on you, this is not love. They do their thing, and feel better about themselves, but it will happen again and again. Most of the time, if you do get away, they either come after you, or stalk you. It's not a life when you have to walk in fear everyday. You can never see a future when you have to always be looking over your shoulder.
Most women stay out of fear. The love has been destroyed by the violence. They see someone they don't even know anymore. You ask yourself, what did I do to deserve this. No one deserves to be treated badly. It affects the children more that you'll ever know. How can they learn how to love when all they see at home is one hurting the other.
Some people are violent because they were raised in it. That's all they have ever known. They say that an abused child will more than likely grow up to be an abuser. The sweetest person in the world can change in the batting of an eye. This person you knew and loved becomes a total stranger.
Some go out drinking, and come home and beat the other unmercifully. No reason, they were just drunk. That is no excuse. If you can't hold your liquor, then you shouldn't be drinking. Some have anger issues so bad, anything will set them off and they will go for the one closest to them. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. It's a nightmare, but as long as you stay, you can never wake up from it.
A person can leave in the morning for work and be in a wonderful state of mind. A few hours later, after someone has set them off, they walk in the front door, and all H breaks loose. It's always in the back of your mind as to what mood they will come home in. There should be no reason to have to live in fear, but how do you not be afraid when your life in in danger all the time?
There are shelters for battered women, Social services for abused children, but where is the peace of mind that you need so badly? What does tomorrow bring? How do you not be afraid? I don't have the answers to these questions. It took me years to put it behind me.
The memories will always be there, but he passed on this past year. I had a friend call me a few weeks ago, and tell me that I didn't have to be afraid any longer, because he had died. As bad as I hated that man years ago, I had long since forgiven him. I didn't want to hear that he had died. It came to my mind later, "what goes around, comes around." And yet, I felt sad because I couldn't think of one good memory after the first year of our marriage.
No one should have to die of cancer in that way. I wouldn't have wished it on him. That's a horrible way to die, and yet it came around. You just don't inflict pain on another that you wouldn't want to feel yourself. Treat people like you want to be treated.
If you live with violence, get away and don't go back. It will never change. Get some support, and be around people who understand. Fear is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.
Learn more about this author, Candy Jules.
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Stay
In visiting the subject of staying in a domestic violence relationship being easier the answer would be yes. Walking away sounds easy but unfortunately that is not the case. Until you or someone you know is faced with this choice personally, the obvious answer would be walking away. Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence changes that response.
Having grown up in a home with domestic violence, I could never understand why my mother didn't just leave. I remember asking her that exact question. Being raised in the generation of you didn't leave your spouse under any circumstances had a great impact on her staying. The other biggest factor was she had 6 children and no place to go. In those days one didn't air their dirty laundry so to speak. All of these were her responses when asked why she stayed. The greatest factor was she truly loved my father. They had a bond even the abuse couldn't break hence she stayed. They were married 28 years until her death in 1973.
Being as domestic violence seems to create a cycle of violence I found myself married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I had always sworn that kind of behavior would not be tolerated but I got caught in the violent web before I knew what happened.
Beyond the beatings a victim of domestic violence is usually mentally abused until their self-esteem is damaged. Along with the blows come the constant rant of never being good enough or no one else would ever want you because you are damaged goods. The thoughts run like a taped message long after the bruises disappear. The fear factor of death to the victim or a loved one if the victim leaves becomes the chain that binds. If they could instill the pain of the beatings on someone they love then they will surely be capable of carrying out that threat.
Children play an enormous part in women/men staying in abusive relationships. Abusers use the children as a pawn. They threaten to take the children from the other spouse. Playing on the insecurities of the victim with the emotional abuse that they won't be able to make it on their own and provide for their children. Thus the victim stays. The children become a tool to get the victim to return if they have left the home. Using guilt that the family would still be together if Mommy hadn't left Daddy or visa versa.
Financial worries also keep a victim entrapped. Many victims aren't allowed to work. They are isolated from family and friends. The constant thought that there is no help is instilled by the abuser to the point where the victim feels powerless.
Abusers even go to the extreme of touting undying love. They state, "It will never happen again." This starts the honeymoon stage all over again. A victim wants to believe the person they love really is sorry and tends to believe the lies.
Many abusers use the suicide card to get their victim to stay or return. No one wants to be responsible for someone taking his or her own life so the emotional strain increases. Some abuses have even gone as far as to attempt to end their life if front of their victim to add a greater impact.
The night I left my abusive husband was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Luckily there were no children involved. I had become an alcoholic and in my bruised befuddled mind I was contemplating killing my abuser. That night came down to him or me. I decided I was going to survive. After watching a movie called "The Burning Bed" starring Farrah Fawcet and seeing my life played out on the screen, my decision was made. I escaped while saving both our lives.
It took a couple of years of counseling to come to terms with the effect domestic violence has had on my life. Victims have to realize the abuse isn't their fault.
That was twenty years ago. Since that time I have served as a Domestic Violence Coordinator and advocate during those years. I have watched many victims return to the violent environment because it is familiar. Entering a world on your own when you still feel vulnerable can be your undoing.
One never truly walks away from domestic violence even when they leave. The tapes remain and come back at various times in your life. We are surrounded by stories of domestic violence daily. Most of these are spouses who have killed their victims or victims who have snapped. Each time we see an article or hear this on television the thoughts return. That could have been me.
One of the statements that make me the maddest is, "she must like it or she would leave." No a victim does not like being abused but it isn't easy to walk away.
Learn more about this author, Dee Cain.
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