Is it easier to walk away or stay with a partner who is violent?

Walk away

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by Joanne Crouch

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ABUSE ME! I ASKED FOR IT

"Is it easier to walk away or stay with a partner who is violent?" After 23 years in a mental, verbal, and abusive relationship, sitting here thinking of my past life, I think sharing might be helpful to someone who is currently going through an abusive relationship and my first words of warning are, "GET OUT NOW! It will NEVER get better! Then looking at the original question, it should read, "Is it easy to walk away or what can be done if I decided to stay?" The following is a true story of survival. I survived, however with 4 daughters, not just one and my pets followed me too.

To simplify this article, I will refer to the abuser as him' and victim as her' as statistically most victims are female and before the screaming outrage starts; this is not to say there are no female abusers in the world, there are! However, every city now has abuse shelters that are packed with women and their children who were trying to survive. Unfortunately these shelters fill fast and run out of room leaving someone who is calling for help without resources and making them think that maybe they just should STAY. I am a product of the latter.

BEFORE getting married you might see signs of possessiveness or serious jealousy, and think how cute it is that he cares so much. Statements like, "He loves me so much that he wants to go everywhere with me and bewith me every minute of the day." Or, "He's afraid of my family so he doesn't come over to our family gatherings but is always bringing me flowers or taking me out to dinner." These statements sound so lovey-dovey but are a major insight into his possessive behavior. Before saying, "I do!" and even after, stop and remember how many times you've had to apologize or make excuses for his behavior or how many family get-togethers you missed because he had an excuse not to go.

One mistake loving couples make is foolishly thinking you can change this person after you're married. That he will "settle down" once he's married and knows you love him enough to make him part of your life. There seems to be a lot of magical wishing put on that marriage license and yet it is nothing more than a piece of paper. It will not EASE his thoughts that it bonded you two together and from hence forth you will only love each other. Keep in mind that his family spent YEARS making him into the man you fell in love with so no one can change that behavior. Maybe there were other warning signs such as him being an exact carbon copy of his own parents. So don't waste anytime, check them out too.

Once the marriage has started sliding downhill, the first sign is usually verbal abuse. He will say anything that he knows will hurt you. Piece by piece he will begin to destroy your self-worth and self-esteem, this closely followed by mental abuse. All of a sudden he stops talking to you after telling you how stupid you are, and that no wonder your parents let you marry him, no one else would want you. All this time making you wonder what you did to bring on this hatefulness. He will run hot and cold so many times in the same day that you'll sit for a bit and reflect on the day's activities to see which one set him off and how you can prevent it the next time. You run through your routine, you got out of bed, didn't comb your hair before getting that first cup of coffee and he came behind you saying things like, "Always think of yourself first, huh?" "Couldn't get me a cup before you? Since I'm the one earning the money around here, don't you think I should be served first?" "Look at you! You look like a slob!"

Next day you get up half-hour earlier to get yourself dressed, combed, and coffee on. You bring him the FIRST cup, and the next thing you hear is, "Don't bring me coffee in bed, I will spill it and burn myself. Is that what you want?" Shortly followed by the coffee going through the air and splashing on you! And so it begins! As years go by, when things were good, you think that having a child will help glue the family together. Birthing day is great, he is so attentive but it doesn't take long before you aren't allowed to bring the baby to your parents' house because of one excuse or another. They smoke, they drink wine, and they watch too much TV. HE doesn't want his child influenced this way. So you have your mother come over to your house. Two seconds after she walks away from your door you beginning to hear, "Why didn't you dust today?" "Where's my dinner?" "How come the house is so filthy?"

My house was so clean at all times that I literally did a Spring Cleaning every day! Someone else's baby could come over, crawl on the floor and NEVER get one smug of dirt on their feet or knees. But, it wasn't enough. So stay or go! You realize you're now living under some form of dictatorship that you never bargained for. You can't have a key to the car because he doesn't want you "putting miles on it". You can't go grocery shopping unless you stay within a period of time that he manifests for you. If you take two minutes longer {traffic might have been bad, you hit all the red lights] you will wonder where he came up with thoughts of you sleeping with the bag boy which will be followed with a beating. The answer became simple; you would go out and get a job! Maybe if you helped financially, he would calm down a bit and not be so pressured to spend money on diapers.

A nice little job, that works great for you. You get away from the baby for awhile, you interact with other people, and you begin to get some self-worth back again. Your first paycheck created a sense of ownership and now you could buy diapers without asking him for money, but wait, he knows you have money now so the first obstacle you cross is telling him no' when he says he wants a new tool or a new bowling ball or maybe a new paint job on HIS car. But you can't say "NO!" can you? Why? Because he was so sweet when he asked you and somehow managed to spend every dime YOU made, which reverted back to you asking him for money for baby clothes or diapers again at which he starts yelling and telling you how stupid you are with your own money. Forget trying to remind him that he spent it for you, according to him; it was his right since you're his wife.

Something happened though when you got that job. You began to realize that other people didn't go through what you were going through, and now, just maybe, you could get a full time job and take care of just yourself and your baby. He must have heard your thoughts since now he starts calling you at work. Starts asking the questions, "Who are you sleeping with there?" You don't dare hang up because the price to pay for that little act of rebellion later will hurt and you know it. You formulate a plan, try to put a little money aside as runaway money, but then he's super nice to you again and starts talking about all three of you going on a nice vacation, "if only we had the money". He's so nice to you right now that you just can't help yourself and you pull out this wad of money to "surprise" him and the next statement out of his mouth is, What else are you hiding from me?". That surprise' will come back to haunt you when he loses his temper again and starts throwing you around the room. THAT'S IT! You said it loud enough and asked for a divorce.

You start packing, and first thought that comes to your mind is hoping Mom and Dad will help you until you can get on your feet. While you're packing, he's breaking treasured family heirlooms {yours of course} but you stand your ground and continue to pack. He decides the heirlooms aren't giving him enough satisfaction so he starts on you. You call your parents to come over and help you. They are there in 5 minutes flat, walk through the door and the first thing they see is you packing stuff and him standing calmly off in the corner of the room, crying and slowly looks at your parents and says, "Mom, I don't know what's wrong with her." Now YOUR parents are giving you the third degree. What did you do to get him angry? In certain religions, you cannot get a divorce, and your Mom reminds you of this. So everyone calms down and life goes on, until next time! The last little statement you hear before turning in for the night is, "If you ever leave me, I'll kill your parents. Good night!"

Together you have decided to make this work and maybe it's time to go see a counselor. The STAY part weighs heavy on your mind but, hey, he's so nice when he's being good and you're willing to try anything. First session at the marriage counselor's office somehow he has turned events around and you are totally to blame. He has convinced the counselor whereas the counselor gives HIM a prescription of anti-anxiety medication to be able to PUT UP WITH YOU! The counselor then turns to you and informs you that just maybe YOU should be a better wife! Both of you walk out of the session and he mentions how great it all went. Of course it did, the counselor was on HIS side. Truth be known, the counselor was probably an abuser also. You begin to think that if he's medicated, he won't lose his temper anymore and if you become a better wife, all will be well, until next time!

There are so many reasons to stay together. You loved each other once; he works hard to provide for you and your daughter. You bought a home together, and he LET'S you go to that part time job you love so much. So what if Mom and Dad can't come over, so what if you can't talk to your friends on the phone without him listening in, so what if he gets angry once in awhile, after all, his job is stressful. So what if he's constantly accusing you of sleeping with someone else, he knows better and besides, like he said before, no one else would want you. So what if he throws you across the room, you didn't break anything and it only hurt for a little bit. So what if your daughter was crying while you were yelling at each other, she's too small to remember it and you plan on having it perfect before she's older. So what if you buy him all his new things and go to the second hand store for clothes for yourself and her, they're only slightly used and you'd be washing new clothes to look used soon enough. So what if he calls you names, you remember the old rhyme, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me" until next time.

It isn't easy to walk away after you're married since you started building a life together and involved happy memories along with the bad. An abuser will go through what is formally called, "The Honeymoon cycle". Be extremely nice, attentive and without warning you may have put the silverware away without stacking the forks right, and BANG, he goes off, starts throwing you around the house, calling you all kinds of names, reminds you how worthless you are and that no one else would want you. As hours go by and you've been crying or physically hurt, he will change his tune and come to you on hands and knees begging you to forgive him, which you do and then the cycle starts all over again, and within minutes of you forgiving him, he will say "just tell me who you're sleeping with" and denying it isn't working so the next thing you hear is "don't go to sleep tonight because you won't wake up." But the night grows long and tiring then finally you give up and go to sleepuntil the next time.

You find him one day smelling your underwear and bringing up accusations again, then he finally believes you, and you hope you've finally convinced him that he's the only one. "So then it must be the dog you're sleeping with, and no wonder your daughter loves you giving her a bath, this is how you're getting your thrills." This becomes the final straw and you've made up your mind, you need to leave. Talking hasn't worked, counselor hasn't worked, and helping him financially hasn't worked so you begin to formulate a plan to leave. You won't make the same mistake this time. This time you will pack in silence, make no phone calls to Mom and Dad but you will check into those shelters you'd just read about. You did manage to put a few dollars away after the last fatal mistake of telling him about your stash and now with your mind made up, you begin.

First, phones call to a local Help-On-Call number. They are so helpful and it's a relief to find out that you aren't the only person in the world with the same problem. It was actually nice talking to a person with so much information and hope! Armed with your list of phone numbers for shelters, you start calling. The first shelter is full which is like a weird blessing to you since now it confirms there ARE people like you out there. Then the second shelter is full, okay now you think you might just as well start at the bottom of the list instead of the top. This works! A super friendly elderly lady comes on the phone and tells you that she has room for you. You explain your situation and hear her confirm that you need to get away before he kills you and even at this statement you think to yourself that he would never do that. All is set to go until you tell her about your 4 yr old daughter and your pets. "Sorry." She says, she only has room for you but don't worry, there's a shelter down the street just for extra children. As for the pets, well, there's always the Humane Society, but they are like family and your heart is breaking again. You, start unpacking! What happened?

Throughout her tender 4 years of life, she has experienced screaming, crying, hitting, hurting but you were always there to dry her tears. She always knew you loved her and she could depend on you to take care of her. You could not in your heart put her in a strange place, alone, while you stayed at a shelter. You could never make her think that you abandoned her. So you decided to stay. After all, you've been through the worst and are still breathing, and you really doubt he wants to go to jail for killing such a worthless person as you. Thinking on it all, it really must be your entire fault anyway. There is only one resource left to you now, you pray. You pray that there is a God and somehow He will help you. You don't know what to ask for so you leave it in His hands and life goes as normally as it could. If you are being punished, then you must have deserved it. If your husband is yelling at you, then you did something to provoke it, regardless, it's now in God's hands. But every day, you dread hearing that car pull into the driveway that tells you, he's home!

The people who tell you, "Just leave him" are blessedly ignorant to the level of hurt an abusive person can cause. As I went through these events, I had good friends who would listen to me on the phone {they weren't allowed to come over and the calls had to be made when he was at work}. At one time as he jumped on my back and started choking me, I just went limp and told him to do it, I was tired. He stopped! God did finally answer my prayers by sending him out of town to work, and while gone, he apparently found a "better" woman to love. He made a phone call asking me for a divorce and I took a huge sigh of relief. Later I would dwell on how I could have left him, and I brought this discussion into my adult medical classroom. Initially to see what kind of answer they would come up with, however, what happened was identification by association. Many of the students were currently going through this kind of hell.

Help comes in different forms; yes, it might have been better to separate my daughter and myself, as now I know it would've been for just a short time. But if at any given time a friend or family member had taken me by the shoulder and pushed me out the door, then stood beside me and boldly defied him since he never wanted anyone else knowing how he was, that would've helped the process and not made me feel so alone and afraid. Then maybe talking to others who were going through the same thing and how they survived and rebuilt their lives would have helped. Reinforcement that I was NOT stupid, NOT ugly, NOT a door mat, well, let's just say that once this ordeal was over, I swore it would never happen to me again. The strength it built was incredible but the journey was hard. Now I watch for people going through the same thing and hold out my hand and wait for them to say.please help me this time.

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