Relationships & Family >
Couple Communication
RSS FeedShould a wife tell her husband about her romantic past?
Results so far:
| Yes | 48% | 245 votes | Total: 514 votes | |
| No | 52% | 269 votes |
Yes
Write now
Print
Invite a writer™
Add to FavoritesThere are some things about your romantic history that you should voluntarily reveal to your husband, without his having to ask. Any STDs you've been in contact with tops the list. Any former flames that are soon to be released from prison is something hubby dearest should also know. If behaviors of a past romantic partner affect how you behave now, it's best to tell your spouse about it, so he doesn't mistakenly assume that your actions are due to anything he has done. If something from your past can in any way, shape, or form affect your marriage, then you need to spill. Beyond these things, anything regarding involvement with other romantic partners before you met your husband falls into a "need to know" category.
Communication and honesty are two cornerstones of a successful marriage. Unsolicited nostalgia about past lovers, well, not so much.
My husband and I have always been extremely frank with each other, perfectly willing to answer any questions the other might have on any topic from our pasts, no matter how delicate or personal. That openness has, oddly enough, caused us to have very little desire to actually ask about past flames! Since we both know that the other is more than willing to reveal all, that reassures us that we have nothing to hide. Were we evasive or defensive about our pasts, we would always wonder what the big secret was, why the topic was so touchy. People tend to worry over potential "secrets" much more than they actually want to hear every detail from their spouse's past, especially regarding previous partners.
Never would I launch into a soliloquy about my first boyfriend, my first lover, or the guy I was briefly engaged to. At no point would I compare and contrast traits of my husband's with traits of former flames. Why? Two reasons: it's all utterly irrelevant, and he didn't ask.
A husband has the right to expect honesty from his wife (and she from he, as well!) and maintaining an open flow of dialogue is mandatory in a healthy relationship. If your husband asks you something that you sincerely don't want to answer, tell him so. Being able to ask questions doesn't mean anything goes. Expecting honesty and insisting on uncomfortable revelations are entirely different things. Be sure to explain why you don't wish to answer a question, and a trusting, honest husband will respect those boundaries and appreciate your honesty.
Keep in mind, also, that this expectation of honesty and forthrightness is a two-way street. If your husband wants to be able to ask you questions about your romantic past, he should be equally willing to answer any questions you may have. Being able to ask questions doesn't mean you should. The most important thing to remember is that the past is the past for a reason, and no matter what you or your husband did, or who you were both with, the fact remains that you are now married to each other. The past pales in comparison to your present, and should have no effect on the future of your marriage.
Learn more about this author, Hope Darby.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
No
Whether you mean it or not, your spouse can read messages into you discussion of past lovers - messages about his standing in your eyes, and also messages about you as a partner. They can wonder what it is you want to communicate to them with this story and why you've chosen this time to tell them. These are also good questions to ask yourself.
The occasional off-hand comment, relevant to the current situation probably won't do much harm. If your partner notes that you know a lot about haute cuisine and you mention that it's because you once went out with a chef, it will probably be met with mild interest. Long, detailed and intimate accounts of the relationship are another matter.
If you present a past relationship in glowing terms, your current partner can imagine that it's on your mind because you're disappointed with what you have now. Highlighting the virtues of a past lover can be taken as veiled hints that these are areas where you find your present spouse wanting. It can also peak his natural curiosity - if it was that good, who broke it off and why? If your lover or external circumstances brought the relationship to an end, your spouse might conclude that you're still holding a torch for your old flame and your present relationship is something you've had to settle for. If you broke it off, he could wonder how high your standards are to give up something so wonderful.
Outlining the negative points and failures of past relationships can prompt even more reading between the lines. When you go into detail about how you've been hurt before, a caring spouse may take it as a warning about treading on potentially sensitive areas. If a past lover has been controlling, for example, your current spouse may worry about expressing his own needs too forcefully. If the past lover was unfaithful, the current one can become self-conscious talking to members of the opposite sex around you. This will cause unnecessary tension between you if your wounds have already healed and your present relationship is a secure one.
What you say about the past can also turn around and bite you in an argument, where a partner aware of what you've experienced before may dismiss your complaints about the present as "baggage".
Even if you stress that you are only sharing this information in the interest of honesty you risk stereotyping yourself. What you choose to discuss and how you describe it, the problems you had and how you reacted to them, and what caused the eventual break-up will almost always get your spouse wondering if something similar will happen again.
There can, however, be times when a past relationship does impact on the present to the point where not mentioning it can lead to misunderstanding. Shying away from disagreements because a past partner was violent is one example. If you don't let your spouse know, he may assume you can't be bothered working things out.
In short, your spouse can attribute a relevance and significance to your discussion of past romances regardless of your intention, so it's better if that's what you intend. In other words, I recommend bringing up the subject of past relationships seriously if they have a direct bearing on the present and useful information to convey to your partner about what's happening in your current relationship.
Learn more about this author, Adele Gregory.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
Difference of opinion? Debate now.
