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| Yes | 57% | 409 votes | Total: 719 votes | |
| No | 43% | 310 votes |
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Add to FavoritesA co-worker has a jar on her desk with a label that says "Ashes of Past Lovers." There's nothing inside but some harmless paper clips. Inside a marriage, a husband's romantic past can cause real harm if the couple can't discuss it constructively.
The question of whether a husband should tell his wife about his romantic past, sometimes doesn't have a simple yes or no answer. A husband should be willing to discuss past relationships but cautious not to inflict unnecessary pain by dwelling on gratuitous details.
The guiding principle is to put the other person's best interests first. It's wrong to conceal things that the other person would want to know in making an informed decision to continue the relationship. It's also wrong to reminisce about how beautiful your ex-girlfriends were if you know your wife is insecure about such issues.
Paradoxically, people with the strongest capacity to discuss past relationships may feel the least need to do so. If you have a healthy affection for people you used to be intimate with, you don't feel compelled to complain about them and don't regard them as topics to brag about because your self-esteem is based on more valid grounds. If a wife is happy with herself and her marriage, she's less likely to feel any great urgency about devoting time to reviewing a detailed past history. It's often a danger sign if people are too concerned about past relationships.
There are important benefits if a couple can discuss their romantic pasts constructively. If nothing else, it's very inconvenient to have to edit your conversation all the time to delete references to people from your past. More seriously, it can be emotionally crippling to feel pressured to keep secrets. Perhaps most importantly, it's a profound opportunity to build trust and feel loved and accepted by sharing such intimate experiences. Relationships often provide the most valuable lessons in life so it's natural to want to reflect on them and fortunate to have someone to talk things over with. On a practical level, open communication can be a great help in dealing with the ongoing legacy of past relationships especially when children are involved.
Overall, a husband should tell his wife about his romantic past but not take it to extremes. Any limitations should come from respect for the other person's feelings rather than self-serving secrets that usually wind up injuring everybody in the long run.
Learn more about this author, Anne O'Rourke.
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No
I don't believe that either spouse should tell the other about their romantic pasts, unless both partners are completely at ease with their relationship, and unless the lines of communication are completely open. Telling about your romantic past can put a damper on your relationship in a hurry! Telling too much can cause a major rift in a relationship if there are already insecurities or jealousies in either partner or the relationship itself.
Logically, as a woman, I know that not every aspect of my husband's previous relationships were negative, and I know that he doesn't absolutely despise any of his old flames. Which, if I were inclined to have severe insecurity issues, would make me a little nervous about the extent to which he were committed to me and our relationship.
See, it's human nature to wonder all about "what if" or to doubt our partner's commitment or feelings for us. Hearing about past relationships or "adventures" can definitely cause a person to wonder or doubt even more. I know that even though I tell my husband that it's okay for him to tell me about his romantic past, I'm not entirely okay with HEARING his romantic past. I tend to get jealous and I do have some insecurities.
It's NOT a good idea to share that kind of information with your spouse unless you both are mature enough and secure enough in your relationship to handle it. For that matter, don't even think about telling one another things about your romantic past unless you can both effectively communicate, so that no misunderstandings or hurt feelings occur.
I love to hear the bad things about my husband's past relationships (Kinda twisted, I know!), but that's mainly because I just can't understand why those girls were so stupid as to let someone as wonderful as him go, and it makes me realize that he really DOES love me and want to be with ME. Of course, sometimes that backfires, sometimes I wonder if he's telling me things just to point out that he doesn't HAVE to stay!
I don't believe that couples have to tell every SINGLE detail or secret of their lives, past or present, and in some instances, it's GOOD to have a few secrets. Men, and women, don't share every bit of your romantic past with your spouse or significant other, even if invited to! Use caution and discretion when choosing what to share, and make sure you only share what is relevant and keep what ISN'T, to yourself.
Learn more about this author, Julie Vincent.
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