Yes

by Carol Wise

Created on: April 01, 2009

I would hope that he told his wife long before she was his wife. It's not a discussion to be had after vows are taken. Nor is it a one way street, both partners need to share their romantic pasts.

This does not mean that all the hot sweaty details need to be given. How much info is given should be based on a couple of things. First how much do you trust this individual? In the beginning of any relationship, you may not want to dump everything out in gory detail, only to have your sexual history later used as a weapon during a fight. If any of your information becomes a weapon then you know you should exit stage left - this person can't be trusted and is abusive. It takes some people longer to trust then others, male or female, we all carry baggage, a good relationship is based on communication, trust and respect.

Next you might want to stop and consider exactly what information your partner is asking for. You may want to clarify with them before answering. Some people will never want full disclosure, a simple yes or no is all they want. They may not be able to handle any more then that for the moment. You can assure them if they want more information later you will be open to giving it to them. It is just as abusive to force them to hear details they don't want to.

With those points made, sharing one's sexual history with your partner is important on many levels. It allows both of you to know each other better and opens up communication, in a subject that is difficult for some to speak about. What types of risks have you taken is not the only important data, in discussing your experiences, you can comment on what you didn't enjoy, what you found very pleasing or those things you might like to repeat. This can encourage your partner to share their opinions and feelings on those experiences. While this may involve sexual acts, if you are listening you may learn about other general behaviors that pleased or upset your partner. Allowing you to avoid the same errors and giving you a clear idea of what is right for them.

While typically men are assumed to have more experience then women, that is not always the case. Both of the men I married had less experience then I did. That was not always the case though and you can't assume that just because someone does something well, that they are experienced. My first partner made a serious mistake in refusing to believe I was inexperienced and a virgin. I was guilty only of having read a lot of graphic material. Others may just have natural ability or skill in some areas. These are things you can discover if you listen, as well as share.

I may be female and therefore not the husband in the title being asked to disclose his romantic past but I have always felt a man had the right to know my history and feelings on certain issues. I expect my man to be equally forthcoming with his information. If one or both of us can't handle some item that is part of our histories then at least its out and we can both move on.

I am not big on lies, either deliberate or by omission. We are both adults and if you can't trust me then you need to move on. I have always felt I could deal with any truth and I think any man whose spent time with me could bare that out.

Jealousy doesn't belong in any relationship. Jealousy is not a show of love or affection. So if any partner gets upset or jealous of your history that is a big red flag to move on. Jealousy is a lack of trust and an effort to control. Neither will make a marriage stronger but rather tear it apart.

Sadly, I think many couples keep too many secrets from each other. I have met people, who have been married for years ( decades in some instances) yet have never shared with the person they should love and trust the most, histories of sexual abuse or molestation, periods of sexual confusion, or sexual risk taking. We all have histories, some more painful then others, all of us have made poor choices or mistakes. These things make an impact on who we are and how we might respond to certain things, you should be able to trust a partner with these painful and confusing experiences. If you can't trust this person, who you supposedly love and want to spend your life with, with your own personal truths, then perhaps you need to rethink where your relationship is headed before you take those vows.

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