No

by Sarah Grau

Created on: February 07, 2008   Last Updated: February 26, 2011

"Do you want to know the gender of your baby?" the sonogram technician asked with a grin.

"I thought twelve weeks was too soon to tell," my husband gasped.

"Well, I'm 98% sure and I've had a long streak of getting these right."

"Ok...which is it?" I was so excited I could've burst, along with my extra full bladder, right there on the examining table.

"Looks like you're having a girl," she smiled sweetly. "Congratulations."

Images of a little pink-wrapped bundle floated in my head from that moment on. I went home and dreamed of mother-daughter belly dance classes, teaching my daughter to shave her legs and put on make-up, taking her out for a movie and ice cream after her first break-up and snapping photos of her in her prom dress. My husband and I were relieved that our naming argument had been reduced by 50%, and that Vicente and Joaquin were no longer options on the table. My husband thought about how he would deal with a daughter who would, no doubt, wrap him around her little finger. I cautiously explored the troublesome teen girl "I hate my mom" years in my mind. All in all, though, we were ecstatic to be having a healthy little girl. The technician went on to explain that both genders had protruding genitals at this stage in development, and the way it was pointing determined the sex. Girls pointed backwards and boys pointed any other direction. She gave us her disclaimer that she was only 98% sure, but I was already adrift in my own head, thinking about my daughter. I was carrying my little girl!

At our next sonogram, eight weeks later, my belly was already bared and the handheld device slid across my greasy belly when a new technician asked, "Were you already told the sex of the baby?"

"Yes," I smiled dreamily, massaging my husband's hand. "We're having a little girl."

"Oh." The technician suddenly looked sick. She licked her lips and probed, "Well, how set were you on having a girl?"

My reality rocked for a moment, and I felt a little sick to my stomach. I was having a daughter! We were enrolling in mother daughter belly dance classes in 5 years and she was going to be taught my patented liquid eyeliner technique some 8 years later! "We just want to have a healthy baby. It doesn't really matter to us."

"Well, I'm glad you're not too upset. See here? Little girls don't have these parts. You're having a healthy baby boy...and not a shy one either!" She smiled, obviously relieved.

I managed to keep myself together until dinner that night, and on the way home I cried the guilty tears of a mother who tried to create her child's future before it was time. I hated myself for feeling an ounce of disappointment. This little boy was the same baby I had been excited about when the little plus sign appeared on the test. This was the same baby I'd been singing and talking to, the same one I'd dreamed of having since I was a little girl. He deserved a parent who wanted him more than anything in the world, not the horrible ungrateful mother who was carrying him and crying that he wasn't a girl. After all, there are thousands of infertile couples who would pay untold sums of money to be having him. No, I wanted this beautiful little boy. I just had to let myself grieve for the little girl I never had to begin with. It was a small loss, but a loss nonetheless.

Needless to say, I got over my initial disappointment and then the guilt of ever having felt disappointed. I love my son dearly and wouldn't trade him for all the little girls in the world. But when I am approached on the subject of using a sonogram to determine the gender of an unborn child, I am no longer an advocate. It's important to fully realize that it's not 100% accurate and that there more failures than people think. It's easy when you are just dying to know the sex of your baby to brush by the cautionary disclaimer of possible inaccuracy. You want to know and besides, the sonogram technician handling your ultrasound must be good or else they wouldn't be here. They have lots of experience at this and they wouldn't say anything if they weren't really sure. Right?

Don't think you know the gender of your baby before he or she is born unless you have had an amniocentesis or a chorionic villus sampling. These tests screen the baby's actual DNA and are 100% accurate. A sonogram sexing can set you up for heartache if you are set on one gender or the other, even if you're not willing to admit to yourself that you feel that way. I was lucky that they were right on the second sonogram. I hadn't yet bought any pink clothes or painted the nursery. Some people have to go through that, or worse, sometimes the mistake isn't noticed until the delivery room! I used to work with a young woman whose parents took her home from the hospital in a blue blanket to a baseball-themed nursery because they were "so sure" she was a boy.

If you're curious, and must know the answer, at least wait until your 20 week sonogram or later. Even then, take the answer with a grain of salt and ask for plenty of gender-neutral baby items at your shower. You have nothing to lose from taking my advice. Besides, you may end up showing your son his sonogram pictures with an arrow pointing at his genitals and GIRL printed next to them. We can't wait to show Joaquin!

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