Yes

by J. Jewell

Created on: March 17, 2008

It is widely debated whether or not parents should allow their babies to cry themselves to sleep. As a parent expecting my fifth child in June, I can assure you I have been on both sides of this debate in the past. Like any other parenting decision, this is not one that is simply "black and white", "yes or no". Age of the baby should always be a factor, as should the reason why your baby is crying. There truly is a proper way to deal with any situation as a parent. Allowing your baby to cry until he/she falls asleep is certainly an option, in most instances. Other times, this method is not the best choice to make.

-At what age?-

From the moment you bring your baby home from the hospital until they are around 3 months old, their time is spent on limited things. Sleeping, eating and going through unbelievable amounts of diapers are among the top things your baby will be doing. However, one of the most important things your newborn is doing on a constant basis is learning about trust. They realize very early on that they are loved and that someone's sole purpose is to nurture them and care for them. One of the ways they learn this is through the fact that their cries are responded to. It is at this point that a parent should always be willing to respond to their baby when they cry or fuss. This includes when the baby has been put down to sleep. There is a vital relationship being built between parent and child. A parents unwillingness to respond will only damage or slow that trust.

-It's that time!-

When a child has reached the age of 4-5 months, it is very clear to them who their primary caregiver is. They know that they are loved and that they will be taken care of. This is the point where a parents decision could impact the next several months or even years. My daughter is 3 years old. In the past 6 months she has finally started sleeping through the night. Huge changes had to be made in order for this to happen. Things were very chaotic and emotional while these changes were being made, not to mention the fact that several hours of sleep were lost in the process. The reason that, at 3 1/2 years old, my daughter had to go through this was a very simple one. We made the wrong decision years ago, and were now paying the price.

To get a child to the glorious point where they are able to fall asleep on their own, the following steps should be taken. It is not easy. Rest assured that making this transition is much harder on the parent(s) than it is on the child!

1) A routine should be set. Choose a bedtime, and stick to it. The last hour before bedtime, activities should be the same every night. Feeding, bath time, reading and so on should be done at roughly the same time every night. When you do this, your child knows what to expect next.

2) At the designated time, put your child in their crib. Give hugs and kisses. Tell your baby goodnight and that you love them. Walk out of the room.

3) If your child begins to cry, go into the room. Do not turn on a light or speak loudly. Whisper to your child that "It's time to go to sleep" or similar verbiage, put the baby back down, and walk out of the room.

4) If your baby begins to cry again, allow them to fuss for 5 minutes. If they are still crying at this point, go into the room. Again, do not turn on the light. This time you will not speak to your child at all. Do not make eye contact or pick up your baby. Simply lay the baby back down and walk out of the room.

5) Continue step 4 (each time be sure to add 5 more minutes to the wait time before going into the room) until your baby has fallen asleep.

Babies cry when they are put to bed because they know that you will respond. They are essentially "rewarded" every time someone comes into the room and gives the behavior attention. Taking away this "reward" and helping them to learn that they have boundaries is a very important step to take. This does not harm your child, and is in no way abusive.

-Is there a deeper meaning?-

A parent knows their baby better than anyone else. If your baby's cry is saying that he/she is hurt or sick, you should never allow your baby to cry through this type of situation. A night when a baby is sick is an entirely different ball game. If you have spent a few nights following the above steps, with no results, or if your child becomes inconsolable, you should consult your pediatrician to see if there is an underlying medical problem such as ear infection, colic, acid reflux, etc.

The majority of the time, properly allowing your baby to cry herself to sleep is effective. It is an emotional thing for any parent to go through. Allowing your baby to cry while you do not respond is a very difficult thing to do. Our instinct is telling us to run to their side immediately!

While going through the process is not easy, and has the potential to be very time consuming (depending on your child's stamina!), it is worth the end result. Trust me when I say this. Implementing this boundary at a young age is FAR easier than attempting to do so with a toddler!

Learn more about this author, J. Jewell.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.