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Add to FavoritesIt is widely debated whether or not parents should allow their babies to cry themselves to sleep. As a parent expecting my fifth child in June, I can assure you I have been on both sides of this debate in the past. Like any other parenting decision, this is not one that is simply "black and white", "yes or no". Age of the baby should always be a factor, as should the reason why your baby is crying. There truly is a proper way to deal with any situation as a parent. Allowing your baby to cry until he/she falls asleep is certainly an option, in most instances. Other times, this method is not the best choice to make.
-At what age?-
From the moment you bring your baby home from the hospital until they are around 3 months old, their time is spent on limited things. Sleeping, eating and going through unbelievable amounts of diapers are among the top things your baby will be doing. However, one of the most important things your newborn is doing on a constant basis is learning about trust. They realize very early on that they are loved and that someone's sole purpose is to nurture them and care for them. One of the ways they learn this is through the fact that their cries are responded to. It is at this point that a parent should always be willing to respond to their baby when they cry or fuss. This includes when the baby has been put down to sleep. There is a vital relationship being built between parent and child. A parents unwillingness to respond will only damage or slow that trust.
-It's that time!-
When a child has reached the age of 4-5 months, it is very clear to them who their primary caregiver is. They know that they are loved and that they will be taken care of. This is the point where a parents decision could impact the next several months or even years. My daughter is 3 years old. In the past 6 months she has finally started sleeping through the night. Huge changes had to be made in order for this to happen. Things were very chaotic and emotional while these changes were being made, not to mention the fact that several hours of sleep were lost in the process. The reason that, at 3 1/2 years old, my daughter had to go through this was a very simple one. We made the wrong decision years ago, and were now paying the price.
To get a child to the glorious point where they are able to fall asleep on their own, the following steps should be taken. It is not easy. Rest assured that making this transition is much harder on the parent(s) than it is on the child!
1) A routine should be set. Choose a bedtime, and stick to it. The last hour before bedtime, activities should be the same every night. Feeding, bath time, reading and so on should be done at roughly the same time every night. When you do this, your child knows what to expect next.
2) At the designated time, put your child in their crib. Give hugs and kisses. Tell your baby goodnight and that you love them. Walk out of the room.
3) If your child begins to cry, go into the room. Do not turn on a light or speak loudly. Whisper to your child that "It's time to go to sleep" or similar verbiage, put the baby back down, and walk out of the room.
4) If your baby begins to cry again, allow them to fuss for 5 minutes. If they are still crying at this point, go into the room. Again, do not turn on the light. This time you will not speak to your child at all. Do not make eye contact or pick up your baby. Simply lay the baby back down and walk out of the room.
5) Continue step 4 (each time be sure to add 5 more minutes to the wait time before going into the room) until your baby has fallen asleep.
Babies cry when they are put to bed because they know that you will respond. They are essentially "rewarded" every time someone comes into the room and gives the behavior attention. Taking away this "reward" and helping them to learn that they have boundaries is a very important step to take. This does not harm your child, and is in no way abusive.
-Is there a deeper meaning?-
A parent knows their baby better than anyone else. If your baby's cry is saying that he/she is hurt or sick, you should never allow your baby to cry through this type of situation. A night when a baby is sick is an entirely different ball game. If you have spent a few nights following the above steps, with no results, or if your child becomes inconsolable, you should consult your pediatrician to see if there is an underlying medical problem such as ear infection, colic, acid reflux, etc.
The majority of the time, properly allowing your baby to cry herself to sleep is effective. It is an emotional thing for any parent to go through. Allowing your baby to cry while you do not respond is a very difficult thing to do. Our instinct is telling us to run to their side immediately!
While going through the process is not easy, and has the potential to be very time consuming (depending on your child's stamina!), it is worth the end result. Trust me when I say this. Implementing this boundary at a young age is FAR easier than attempting to do so with a toddler!
Learn more about this author, J. Jewell.
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No
I honestly feel I have an unfair advantage regarding this topic, and although I hesitate, I'm going to pull out all the stops and share why I believe allowing your child to cry himself to sleep, especially if you're doing it because you don't want to spoil them by giving them too much attention, is a very bad idea.
Believe me, I do understand that sometimes babies just won't stop crying. They've been fed, burped, changed, cuddled, rocked, and kissed and nothing you do helps. If they aren't running a fever, indicating something physical could be wrong, sometimes, I concede, we have no choice but to allow them to cry until they fall asleep from exhaustion.
However, the old school of thought which says it's okay to routinely allow a baby to cry himslef to sleep because you don't want to cater to his demands for attention, is incredibly outdated and inaccurate. It's impossible to spoil a baby. When they get older things change, of course. But babies don't have the reasoning skills required to manipulate getting attention. If a baby is crying, he has a need of some kind, and if that need is comforting arms, then be compassionate enough to supply them. If we can't identify what that need is after trying everything we know to do, then there may be an underlying issue that needs to be explored, especially if the crying is chronic and goes on for long periods of time. It's important in those cases to contact your pediatrician for advice.
Now, to pull out the big guns:
I'm going to relate two stories, which happened about 10 years apart. The first story involved a lady I went to church with. She had recently given birth to her 4th child, a son, and even though she was a wonderful woman and a good mother, she came from the old school. Not only did she allow her baby to cry himself to sleep, but also, his crib was in the basement out of her earshot so she wouldn't be tempted to pick him up every time he cried.
I happened to be at her house one evening working on a church project and I could here her little one screaming in the basement. I didn't have any kids at the time, so had no wisdom regarding such things, but I asked her if she wanted to go get him. She answered no, that he just needed to cry himself to sleep.
The following Sunday I didn't see her at church. I soon learned that the very night I had been at her house, her baby had died of SIDS, Sudden infant Death Syndrome, or crib death as it is more often called. I understand that the process of SIDS is still unexplained and cannot be prevented, so perhaps it would have happened regardless. But I know for a certainty, that that mother wishes she had held her baby more and had tried more diligently to sooth his cries.
Fast-forward 10 years.
I gave birth to my 4th child, an adorable baby girl. I was awakened at 4:30 a.m. on October 1, 1987 with a warm flood soaking my sheets. My water had broken for the first time by itself. By 7:30 a.m. I was in hard labor. At 7:42 the Whittier, California earthquake hit just a few miles away from the hospital. I thought I was just having a really powerful contraction.
Unlike my other children, for the first 2 months of her life the only thing that ever consoled this new little one was being in my arms. I tried everything to sooth her cries, a baby swing, a mobile over her crib, music of all kinds, but no matter how much she had been fed, or burped, or cuddled, or rocked, the minute I laid her down, the crying would begin. There were nights I had to let her cry herself to sleep because I was completely exhausted. But for the most part, I catered to her need to be held, and thank God I did, because at 3 months and 4 days old she, like the baby from my first story, died of SIDS.
My first child's pediatrician was one of the wisest doctor's ever. I asked him once about letting my son cry himself to sleep, and he reinforced what my instinct had already told me; it's impossible to spoil a baby, so habitually letting a him cry himself to sleep may have more negative long term effects. His nurse always disagreed with him and privately took me aside to tell me what she thought. I'm happy I didn't take her advice.
Our babies are only babies for a whisper in time, and then they are off having babies of their own. We owe it to them to nurture them in every way possible during their helpless state of infancy, and then as they grow, teach them respect, integrity, discipline and compassion. If a baby is given the emotional support, which may require many hours of lost sleep for parents, as well as having his physical needs met during infancy, his chances of growing into a happy and balanced toddler, and then healthy adolescent are great.
Learn more about this author, Janonda.
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