Should children under 10 have coed sleepovers?

No

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by Lisa H Warren

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Coed sleepovers for children under 10 years old (or over it) are not a good idea for a number of a reasons.

The primary reason they're not a good idea is that having children of both genders share a sleepover removes some of the developmentally positive nature of single-sex sleepovers. Sleepovers are generally events for a relatively small group of children of the same gender and of approximately the same age. Besides giving children the opportunity to enjoy a special event that includes being among a group of children (rather than with one or two friends), sleepovers give children the chance to experience one different type of group/party activity after another, as well as having a good-sized stretch of time to interact with friends without much involvement of adults.

From the planning and anticipation of the party to the arrival of guests to the games to the special breakfast in the morning, sleepovers offer a wide range of experiences that allow children to have practice at a number of important social skills. The same-sex sleepover also offers children of either gender to experience that sense of being among people like themselves, who share the same interests and usually enjoy many of the same things.

Until children are five or six they often pay little attention to whether a friend is of the same gender or not; although even then there are times where they can seem most "in their element" with a few friends of the same gender. Anyone who has ever been in the dancing school dressing room after bunch of four-year-old girls have finished their dance class recognizes what a bunch of little girls can share. Anyone who has been close the dugout after a Little League game knows the camaraderie a bunch of little boys can share. Under six, however, children can also share that "we-don't-notice-the -gender" kind of fun that can happen when a four-year-old girl and four-year-old build blocks or play in the sandbox together. For children under five or six, being with same-gender kids and having the chance to be in a mixed situation are valuable, enjoyable, and generally what they enjoy.

Once children pass kindergarten age they start to naturally "branch off" into their separate genders. Although they may still have a friend or two of the other gender, they usually start to see the other gender as so different from them that they feel they have little in common with most (but not quite all) kids of that other gender. Boys usually love being boys. Girls usually love being girls. It can seem as if the primary school years are a time for children (who in their preschool years didn't pay much attention to gender) to "specialize" in differentiating their own gender from the other. It can seem, too, as if they are building a foundation of understanding and appreciating their own gender before they move on to the next phase of development - seeing the other gender in a light very different from what they once did, and do in primary school. Girls often find all but the most gentle and neat-and-clean of boys disgusting. Boys have historically accused girls of having "cooties".

Girls often begin asking when they will be allowed to have birthday parties and not invite those boy cousins who "ruin things". Boys are often unhappy if their girl cousins show up at their birthday parties. Most parents, of course, want their children to have a healthy view of people of the other gender. Most parents also want their children to be well balanced people and learn to socialize with others of both genders. Parents, however, usually also want their children to have all the experiences needed to help a child pass through each stage of development optimally in order to move on to the next.

Children under five are usually not of sleepover age, unless they have one little friend or cousin stay overnight. Today, sleepovers are no longer just for primary-school children and middle-school children. Older teens today often have their own version of sleepovers, but those are a "horse of a different color" and not being addressed here. With their new appreciation and view of the oppositie gender, adolescent kids and coed sleepovers (even with good supervision) bring concerns that sleepovers for kids 10 and under generally do not. Although some parents may rightfully have concerns about mixed sleepovers because of potentially sexually inappropriate behavior; generally, a group of children under 10 are not very likely to engage in that kind of behavior (especially if they have no opportunity to be alone with one or two other children, and if they know that parents are very present).

The main consideration in this assertion that coed sleepovers aren't a good idea for children 10 and under is that the nature of the event would change, and the socialization benefits of having that same-gender social event are lost.

Most reasonable people agree that children need to learn to appreciate all kinds of different relationships. As adult, we may have a spouse, friends of the same gender, and friends of the opposite gender. We often have friends of different ages or cultures as well. Parents want children to learn to be socially well rounded, and many believe that the coed sleepover is the very vehicle through which children can learn that people of the other gender are "just people", like they are. That, of course, is true; and the argument is a valid one. The trouble, however, is that while children generally have lots of opportunities to socialize in groups of mixed genders, the opportunities to have that unique and special sleepover experience with a group of kids of their own gender are far fewer. The experiences of being in a group of mixed-gendered children are positive and important, but children often have that experience in a number of different settings at school, as well as in the neighborhood or some after school activities.

When a bunch of little girls are together something happens that doesn't happen when a bunch of little boys get together. When little boys get together they, too, have their own special brand of shared interests and behaviors. When both boys and girls get together yet another set of dynamics takes place, even without an ounce of awareness being paid to sexuality. Children need all of those experiences, and sleepovers give them the perfect opportunity to have several hours of different types of activities with friends of the same gender. Such a long stretch of "free style" interacting with a group of same-sex friends usually doesn't occur when kids play outside after-school until dark. There isn't that much time, and few neighborhoods have that many children available to play all at the same time.

There is no opportunity for this type of interacting to occur during school hours or during after-school activities. These are times when children have the opportunity to spend time with one or two friends, or in a mixed-gendered group. They're also times when children are listening to teachers/ instructors, or coaches, and these are times that are chopped in relatively small segments. Another consideration is that one same-sex sleepover is fun but doesn't offer much practice when it comes to all the socialization factors that such events offer. Like many other matters of socialization, it is the repeated opportunities for practice that often help children polish their social skills. (Even the very unpleasant realities of bickering and "side-taking" among girls, or the enjoyment of "all things gross" among boys, serve their purpose in socialization.)

Child ren younger than first grade often experience friendships with playmates of the other gender; and when kids reach adolescence and their early teens, school dances and other activities are designed to give practice working or socializing with the other gender at the age when kids have reached the age when such opportunities are most needed. (One of the purposes of high schools is to give older teens the opportunity to experience a formal event.) When children are between 5 and 10, however, on defining, relating to others of, and learning about, their own gender. These years may be the one time in children's life when the focus is on their own gender, and when they learn to share valuable and close friendships with people who share at gender.

Learning and experiences are most effective when they take place at the appropriate developmental stage of a child's life. Single-gender sleepovers offer something to the kids that coed sleepovers don't. Most parents want their children to have a reasonably good understanding and appreciation of the other gender; but without a solid understanding and appreciation of his own gender, a child's development just isn't complete. Sure, children can live without ever attending a single-gender sleepover; but most of us recall those special events in our own lives and realize how valuable and how special they were.

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