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RSS FeedPotential parents: Will you copy your parents' parenting style?
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| Yes | 34% | 257 votes | Total: 767 votes | |
| No | 66% | 510 votes |
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Add to FavoritesWill you copy your parents' parenting style? There are two answers to this question. Both are blatantly correct in their own wisdom. The answers are so conclusive that the raising of the question seems superfluous. The first answer is 'of course yes'. The second is 'of course no'.
Psychologists can spend a great deal of time debating the intricacies of behaviourism. They can label different thoughts with different names and even devote many different subjects to the same thought. It all comes back to a simple notion. When an organism, just like a human, experiences an occurrence, a feeling or a stimulus that reinforces the experience, it is likely that the organism will want to experience that activity again. If the stimulus has a negative effect, it is unlikely that the organism will go out of its way to experience similar angst.
Except for genetically pre programmed instinct, when you are born you have an empty database in relation to how you should parent when you have evolved as a human. It makes sense then that you will have to observe and model how you will parent based on the experiences that you travel through on life's journey. It is quite difficult to conceptualise just how many parenting experiences that there have been and will be during our reign. Infinite is a good word to describe this number but not quite correct, so it can be deduced that it is inconceivable to be able collate information from every parenting event and come up with the golden handbook for parenting. I believe that nearly anyone who is responsibly contemplating becoming a parent will be filled with vibrations of trepidation and would love such a magic little handbook.
Without a blueprint, there is only one option for the budding parent. Observe and feel and learn from every parenting experience that passes by. If it is a positive observation or feeling or lesson, you will file it away in the how I should be a good parent binder of your soul. A negative response will be thrown on top of the I am confused because I didn't like what happened but if someone else did it, it may be possible that it is correct pile. This pile is not a very helpful pile of information because it is disorganised and unfortunately you will be continually referring back to it, throwing pieces of information around the room looking for that snippet that may help you out in a particular situation. Overall, you will carry all the positive observations into your parenting role, which in many situations may just be quite similar to the role that your parent played.
Not only will you observe your own parents in action. You will also study every other parent that you encounter along the way. If you like what you see you will probably add it to your repertoire of 'how to parent skills'. Now comes the twist! Not every person experiences life similarly. What might be reinforcing for you may be distasteful for another. Ahh, the human condition.
Inevitably, you will parent in your own unique style. You will continue to question every parenting action that you take, fearing that it may be deleterious for your loved one. It is wasted worry because your progeny is watching every action also and compiling their personal unique filing system. If you are parenting by instinct, driven to continue your line, it will work out ok. It always has.
Learn more about this author, Mark Mahon.
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No
There is nothing more unsettling than hearing your mother's words come out of your mouth in a voice that sounds shockingly similar to hers. You look in the mirror and catch a glimpse of her face; perhaps it is the angry face that used to terrify you or the smug, all knowing and self-righteous look that she perfected during your lifetime.
You swore up and down that you would never be like her and, lo and behold, there she is, lodged inside your body. And there you are treating your kids in a fashion that you vowed you would never repeat.
Does this mean that you are doomed to grow into your mother or your father or some hybrid of the two? Is parenting style passed from one generation to the next, like an aptitude for math or reading? If parenting is not genetically transmitted, are we destined to be the products of the childhood environment created by our parents?
Like many questions, there is not a simple answer or a right answer. The response lies somewhere in the middle, in the balance between being the parent we want to be and being the parent who raised us. Similarly, there are qualities of our parents that we want to emulate, just as there are characteristics of our parents that we want to reject. My answer to the question posed to prospective and experienced parents regarding their propensity to copy their own parents' style is "yes and no, it depends". But, if you want me to take one side of the debate, I would cast my vote with the naysayers.
By asserting that we do not copy our parents' style, I am asserting that we are not the helpless victims of our past. In addition, the word "copy" implies a deliberate attempt to repeat a behavior pattern or emulate a set of characteristics. In some circumstances we will replicate attitudes and ideas that we learned from our parents. For instance, my mother made a very concerted effort to teach us how to behave at the dining table, be it a table in our house or in a restaurant. We learned to distinguish between a salad fork and a dinner fork along with putting a napkin on our lap and keeping elbows and other body parts off the table. My children are growing up in a time when a formal dining room has given way to an informal dining area and restaurants have become more casual, however, I do try to expose them to fine dining, appropriate table manners and conduct, I try, however, to do so without the haughtiness my mother could display and the tension that she often generated when we shared a more formal meal. I'm copying what my mother taught, but doing so in my own style, not hers.
I grew up at a time when there was considerable distance between adults and children. I wouldn't think of calling an adult by his/her first name- they were either addressed as an "aunt" or "Mr. or Mrs." Parents were not playmates. My parents tended toward the far side of that distance, relegating our care to a housekeeper while they went out or traveled.
Times have changed considerably; parents are actively involved with their children. Even if this were not the case, I wanted to be very close to my children and an integral part of their lives. Although many parents left their children with nannies and au pairs, I only left my children with sitters or in day care when it was absolutely necessary. I never went on a family vacation as a child; my kids have been on family vacations until the youngest was in High School. My parents were not demonstrative; I show my children love with words and hugs. We typically end our phone conversations by saying "I love you" words that I did not often hear in my own childhood.
When I hear my mother's voice coming out of my mouth, I have learned to stop and silence the voice that is not mine; I have learned how to create my own words and utter them with my own voice.
Learn more about this author, Elizabeth Tragash.
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