Yes

by Mark Mahon

Created on: May 23, 2009

Will you copy your parents' parenting style? There are two answers to this question. Both are blatantly correct in their own wisdom. The answers are so conclusive that the raising of the question seems superfluous. The first answer is 'of course yes'. The second is 'of course no'.

Psychologists can spend a great deal of time debating the intricacies of behaviourism. They can label different thoughts with different names and even devote many different subjects to the same thought. It all comes back to a simple notion. When an organism, just like a human, experiences an occurrence, a feeling or a stimulus that reinforces the experience, it is likely that the organism will want to experience that activity again. If the stimulus has a negative effect, it is unlikely that the organism will go out of its way to experience similar angst.

Except for genetically pre programmed instinct, when you are born you have an empty database in relation to how you should parent when you have evolved as a human. It makes sense then that you will have to observe and model how you will parent based on the experiences that you travel through on life's journey. It is quite difficult to conceptualise just how many parenting experiences that there have been and will be during our reign. Infinite is a good word to describe this number but not quite correct, so it can be deduced that it is inconceivable to be able collate information from every parenting event and come up with the golden handbook for parenting. I believe that nearly anyone who is responsibly contemplating becoming a parent will be filled with vibrations of trepidation and would love such a magic little handbook.

Without a blueprint, there is only one option for the budding parent. Observe and feel and learn from every parenting experience that passes by. If it is a positive observation or feeling or lesson, you will file it away in the how I should be a good parent binder of your soul. A negative response will be thrown on top of the I am confused because I didn't like what happened but if someone else did it, it may be possible that it is correct pile. This pile is not a very helpful pile of information because it is disorganised and unfortunately you will be continually referring back to it, throwing pieces of information around the room looking for that snippet that may help you out in a particular situation. Overall, you will carry all the positive observations into your parenting role, which in many situations may just be quite similar to the role that your parent played.

Not only will you observe your own parents in action. You will also study every other parent that you encounter along the way. If you like what you see you will probably add it to your repertoire of 'how to parent skills'. Now comes the twist! Not every person experiences life similarly. What might be reinforcing for you may be distasteful for another. Ahh, the human condition.

Inevitably, you will parent in your own unique style. You will continue to question every parenting action that you take, fearing that it may be deleterious for your loved one. It is wasted worry because your progeny is watching every action also and compiling their personal unique filing system. If you are parenting by instinct, driven to continue your line, it will work out ok. It always has.

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