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Child Discipline Strategies
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Add to FavoritesSpanking has it's place. It is but one foundational element in good parenting. Spanking works well as a disciplinary tool only if it is used correctly. It must be used with understanding. You must understand the character of the child; the child's temperament, track with his or her actions and know your child well.
In some personality types the child has a particularly strong will. This has often been seen as a negative trait by parents. It is difficult for the parent to work with such a child if there is not an understanding of what a positive thing this strong will is. This strong will could, if focused correctly, catapult the child into great success in the future. Spankings should be used less often with this type. A choice given is more effective in directing this child to a more positive object for his or her strong will to be focused on. If a strong willed child is given choices acceptable to the parent and them then the child retains the control they desire and does not butt heads with the parent as easily. In fact this child will come to see the parent as someone who helps them see opportunities. Spankings should still be used in the instance of great defiance or rather after. The child and the parent should have at least twenty minutes of deescalation from the height of the anger or other intense emotion in a conflict situation. Then the parent should go to the child, talk with the child about the situation, and make sure there is understanding of what happened. The parent should make sure there is understanding why the spanking is necessary and then the spanking should take place. It should be a painful experience but not excessive. Then, the parent should affirm his love for them and concern for their well being. In a strong willed child a spanking in the middle of escalation will serve to challenge the child's will, and excessive spanking will create anger and hatred toward the parent and eventually the child's will could be broken; this is very damaging to the child in his or her life because he was given by God a strong will and then it was communicated by the parent that it's not alright for them to be who they are. This is definitely not the goal of spanking. Spanking is meant to serve as a demonstration of love and authority to turn the child back to knowledge of the parents love for them.
With a child who is more compliant it is more difficult to spank this child because the natural response of the parent is to prefer the child who is easier to deal with. Again it is absolutely necessary to know the child's temperament, and be attentive to his actions and what the child's thought process is. If the compliant child receives favor simply because he is naturally compliant and loyal to authority, their is an imbalance in this that will create problems later on. First off there will be an unfairness towards the other children in the family as they will perceive the excessive favor bestowed on that child exclusively. The other kids will grow in jealousy and eventually they will take it out on that child, and the parents view of these children will be solidified that the more strong willed child is the trouble maker and the more compliant child is innocent and victimized by the other child. In parenting the parent must be very aware of these types of tendencies in themselves. A compliant child is not so perfect as he appears. Communication with the children is of absolute importance. While both children need to be known and closely observed, the more compliant child's will, motives are often at a more concealed and hidden, not because the child is trying to be more hidden, but because the child's temperament gears him or her in that way. So much attention and energy must be put into building an understanding of your children. When the more compliant child experience exclusive favor that he or she perceives to be beyond that of the child's siblings, then in that child is birthed a consciousness of that child as having a great advantage. This compliant child becomes prideful possibly even believing himself or herself to be better than their siblings. These are the beginnings of false intellectual superiority. There are less likely to be escalations with this child but his small infractions and testings, and any negative behavior must be confronted because it is backed up by thinking systems that are further beneath the surface. This child needs the stability of knowing he or she has boundaries, that he or she cannot manipulate his or her parents. Manipulation is something this type of child can easily become so good at that the parents do not even realize they are being manipulated. The compliant child should receive more immediate confrontation and more concrete discipline. That will likely mean more spankings but the discipline must be tailored to the child and the various situations that come up.
Spanking and discipline in general should be shared by the parents. If one parent is outside of the home working during the day then when he or she comes home; at times it would be appropriate for that parent to do the discipline of the child who acted out while that parent was at work. In so doing, as well as with other strategies, the parents create a united front, and provide support for each other. If one parent only carries out the discipline then at first the children will seem to take a stance of favoritism. The parents must not see it as this, the child perceives a weakness in one and a strictness in another and the child is simply exploiting the weakness. This will create difficulty for the parent who disciplines the children because he or she will feel the other parent is more liked, this will create a crack in the marriage that must be repaired quickly by restoring the united front, or it could to an escalation of marital conflict and threaten to bring down the home. In the end neither parent wins because both parents become despised by the children one for strictness and one for weakness and passivity. Strictness from one parent in combination with unresolved conflict in the marriage and leniency and weakness and passivity from the other parent come together to communicate in very sharp terms, that one parent is out to get them, and can't be trusted, and the other parent doesn't care about them, and can't be trusted. This also communicates to the child that the parents don't love each other; in fact it speaks this louder to the child than words to the child of the parents trying to assure the child that they do in fact love each other. If the child's perception is that the parents don't love each other and yet they say they do, the child can conclude that their words of love toward the child may not be true either. This conclusion is strengthened as the marital conflict increases and as strictness and passivity on either parents part continues. So I must again affirm that discipline must be shared. In a divorce situation, the division is very clear and as parents exploit the division from the other parent and the weaknesses of the other parent to gain the favor of the child more damage is done to the child and he learns to manipulate and exploit those same weaknesses and the division of the family to gain for himself or herself what she wants or needs. This is a very damaging situation for a child to find himself or herself in.
Also in a family that is united the goal is not to keep spanking throughout the duration of the childhood. Spanking is part of an intricate foundation that you build on with different elements later on. The goal of spanking and early childhood discipline which should be combined with positive reinforcement or the rewarding of positive behavior and just spontaneous favor and adventure is to teach the child early on boundaries, reward and consequence, a sense of justice and right living, and to enforce in the child a trust in the parents. A trust that their parents are concerned about their well-being; that their parents love them. When this foundation is laid early on then what you have sown into their lives will come out. There will be in them a value for themselves because you as the parent have taken the time to know them, and have not destroyed their will, but helped them focus it, and you have not allowed them to take the lead but have stood your ground as an authority they can respect and they are not able to manipulate. Once they learn these things, talking to them will be easier. Because you showed concern for their behaviors and an interest in who they are and because you and your spouse created a united front and both love them and each other, they have stability and will trust that they are loved. They will grow in character and confidence. They will grow in ways of thinking which will give them a good foundation to eventually launch out on their own from. Nine or ten seems an appropriate age to end spanking, at that point they must begin to know that you see them not as a child, not in their former weakness of infancy but you are seeing the growth. Your recognition of their growing maturity is key to them developing into responsible adults. These are key elements in the development of children into healthy responsible adults. As you can see spanking is not the main element or focus of discipline, nor are discipline and the shortcomings of your children to be the focus of good your good parenting. Spanking is a necessary extreme, a tool that must be properly wielded, discipline in general must be balanced out though by privilege, the favor of the parents on their beloved sons daughters. The child's world is ever expanding and along with his or her understanding is growing a need to explore the world not just in theory but in experience. They must gain freedoms and privileges naturally and discipline must be short in term. Your children must be affirmed and encouraged in the direction of exploration of people, places; exploration of their world. They must grow towards the sun and you must encourage them and not stifle them. You must ready them and fill them with the knowledge of the strength they can rely on in you, in God, and the strength they possess in themselves and will rely on in their eventual independence. So spanking has it's place, it is but a part of one foundational element in good parenting.
Learn more about this author, Jordan Brubaker.
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No
Children learn from example. When parents spank their children as a form of discipline, it sends the message that hitting is acceptable. Not only that, the child learns to fear rather than to trust.
If disciplining is to be instructive, positive methods must be used. Before children have the vocabulary necessary to understand explanations of what is right and wrong behavior, the most effective technique to correct unwanted behavior is distraction. Redirect the child from what he is currently doing to something more desirable. For instance, if your little darling is banging a toy against your prized coffee table or coloring on a wall, redirect him to a more acceptable activity. Give him a place he can do these things and help him begin to understand the difference between, say, coloring on paper and coloring on the living room walls.
When children are in their two's, parents must up their game. Two-year-olds are exploring their world with greater skills and mobility. They are highly motivated to learn about everything. Sometimes their greatest attribute, the desire to learn, comes in conflict with parents' desire to maintain order and prevent things from getting destroyed. Parents have to decide which battles to choose. For instance, the child's environment should be friendly instead of being filled with no no's. Remove prized objects from their reach. Have a playroom or area where they are free to do what they do: make messes, color, play roughly, and so forth. Kids shouldn't be punished for what they do naturally.
Young children often become behavior problems when they are tired or hungry. Sometimes they do things they know full well are naughty just to get attention. Parents need to be in tune with their child and know when it's nap time, when they need a snack, or when the parent needs to drop what they're doing and sit down and play with their child.
Shopping and going out to eat with a child can sometimes tax a parent's patience. But see it from the viewpoint of a child. Obviously they are not interested in the same things we are. And they don't have the attention span of an older child. So it is unfair to expect them to endure long hours shopping or sitting in a high chair waiting for food. Bring toys, little snacks such as raisins, and other distractors for them. If you're waiting in a restaurant for your order and your child becomes restless, take them outside for a walk. If they get cranky when you take them shopping, sometimes it's best to just take them home. These situations should not become a battlefield with your child.
Be observant of behaviors your child picks up from you and other people they encounter. Little children mimic everything: mannerisms, speech, other behaviors. They even mimic behaviors they see on television. If you yell, hit, curse, complain, or bully, your child will start to do that, too. If you are a good role model, your child will be learning good behaviors.
When your child has the vocabulary to understand, explain in simple terms why something is right or wrong. Don't go into too lengthy an explanation, though. Try to put it in terms a little child would understand. There are children's stories which talk about such things as truthfulness, kindness, responsibility, and courtesy. Read these stories with your children and have little discussions with them.
Positive reinforcement is a much better way to shape a child's behavior than the very negative method of spanking. A child's greatest desire is to please his or her parents. That expression of pleasure and those hugs and kisses they get when they do something pleasing makes them want to repeat that behavior over and over. In saying this, they also love it when their parents laugh, when they feel they have entertained their parents. So be careful about what you laugh at.
If we want our children to tell us the truth and be open and honest with us, we must be patient and understanding. We have to make them feel safe and secure, that they have our unconditional love. Spanking sends a very bad message. It tells the child that they are not always safe, that they may have to resort to lieing when they do bad things or make a mistake.
If a punishment must be given, it should fit the crime, be something that can be carried out consistently and fairly, and something understood by the child. Better methods than spanking are time outs, taking away a privilege or toy, or withholding a reward.
Spanking occurs when a parent is frustrated, tired, and at his or her whits end. Sometimes the time out is good for the parent, too. It gives the parent time to think about the best course of action before loosing control. The parent can say something like, "Mommy is very upset with what you did just now. You and I are going to take a time out and I will talk to you about this a little later." Even though you may think it's a good thing to address behavioral problems immediately as they occur, this is not a good idea if you are angry. We want to teach our children self-control. And taking time out is a good way to do this.
The relationship you build with your children when they are small is so important. If it is one of trust, love, kindness, and patience, your child will grow through childhood into adulthood believing in and relying on your good judgment. Whatever difficulties you have through the years will be easier to get through because you have this mutual trust.
Learn more about this author, Elizabeth Wordsmith.
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