Does spanking work for disciplining kids?

No

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by Elizabeth Wordsmith

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Children learn from example. When parents spank their children as a form of discipline, it sends the message that hitting is acceptable. Not only that, the child learns to fear rather than to trust.

If disciplining is to be instructive, positive methods must be used. Before children have the vocabulary necessary to understand explanations of what is right and wrong behavior, the most effective technique to correct unwanted behavior is distraction. Redirect the child from what he is currently doing to something more desirable. For instance, if your little darling is banging a toy against your prized coffee table or coloring on a wall, redirect him to a more acceptable activity. Give him a place he can do these things and help him begin to understand the difference between, say, coloring on paper and coloring on the living room walls.

When children are in their two's, parents must up their game. Two-year-olds are exploring their world with greater skills and mobility. They are highly motivated to learn about everything. Sometimes their greatest attribute, the desire to learn, comes in conflict with parents' desire to maintain order and prevent things from getting destroyed. Parents have to decide which battles to choose. For instance, the child's environment should be friendly instead of being filled with no no's. Remove prized objects from their reach. Have a playroom or area where they are free to do what they do: make messes, color, play roughly, and so forth. Kids shouldn't be punished for what they do naturally.

Young children often become behavior problems when they are tired or hungry. Sometimes they do things they know full well are naughty just to get attention. Parents need to be in tune with their child and know when it's nap time, when they need a snack, or when the parent needs to drop what they're doing and sit down and play with their child.

Shopping and going out to eat with a child can sometimes tax a parent's patience. But see it from the viewpoint of a child. Obviously they are not interested in the same things we are. And they don't have the attention span of an older child. So it is unfair to expect them to endure long hours shopping or sitting in a high chair waiting for food. Bring toys, little snacks such as raisins, and other distractors for them. If you're waiting in a restaurant for your order and your child becomes restless, take them outside for a walk. If they get cranky when you take them shopping, sometimes it's best to just take them home. These situations should not become a battlefield with your child.

Be observant of behaviors your child picks up from you and other people they encounter. Little children mimic everything: mannerisms, speech, other behaviors. They even mimic behaviors they see on television. If you yell, hit, curse, complain, or bully, your child will start to do that, too. If you are a good role model, your child will be learning good behaviors.

When your child has the vocabulary to understand, explain in simple terms why something is right or wrong. Don't go into too lengthy an explanation, though. Try to put it in terms a little child would understand. There are children's stories which talk about such things as truthfulness, kindness, responsibility, and courtesy. Read these stories with your children and have little discussions with them.

Positive reinforcement is a much better way to shape a child's behavior than the very negative method of spanking. A child's greatest desire is to please his or her parents. That expression of pleasure and those hugs and kisses they get when they do something pleasing makes them want to repeat that behavior over and over. In saying this, they also love it when their parents laugh, when they feel they have entertained their parents. So be careful about what you laugh at.

If we want our children to tell us the truth and be open and honest with us, we must be patient and understanding. We have to make them feel safe and secure, that they have our unconditional love. Spanking sends a very bad message. It tells the child that they are not always safe, that they may have to resort to lieing when they do bad things or make a mistake.

If a punishment must be given, it should fit the crime, be something that can be carried out consistently and fairly, and something understood by the child. Better methods than spanking are time outs, taking away a privilege or toy, or withholding a reward.

Spanking occurs when a parent is frustrated, tired, and at his or her whits end. Sometimes the time out is good for the parent, too. It gives the parent time to think about the best course of action before loosing control. The parent can say something like, "Mommy is very upset with what you did just now. You and I are going to take a time out and I will talk to you about this a little later." Even though you may think it's a good thing to address behavioral problems immediately as they occur, this is not a good idea if you are angry. We want to teach our children self-control. And taking time out is a good way to do this.

The relationship you build with your children when they are small is so important. If it is one of trust, love, kindness, and patience, your child will grow through childhood into adulthood believing in and relying on your good judgment. Whatever difficulties you have through the years will be easier to get through because you have this mutual trust.

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