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Add to FavoritesI am certain we have all an experience of being around a child who requires a little discipline. Before I had children of my own, I would have hesitated to discipline someone else's child. When my children were young, and often unruly, I had other people step in at times to provide a stern voice when needed. Sure, there were some people that made me feel incompetent by their intrusion in this area, yet there were many others who offered me insight into how I could effectively deal with their bad behavior. I had a choice, either be insulted by them, or I could learn from the experience. I keep this in mind if I am in a situation where I feel to step in and discipline someone else's child. With that said, there are a few suggestions that I can offer so that you do not offend the parent or the child.
1. Love and Kindness
They go a long ways when we communicate with others, especially a child. If you approach the child in anger, frustration, or in a condescending manner, they most likely will not respond well. Even if their behavior is rude or uncalled for, remember you are the adult and should be more in control of your emotions. Try smiling when you are talking to them - and no, not with gritted teeth - and talk in a calm voice. If you have the idea in your head that you are speaking to them out of concern, your words will be received better.
2. Honor
Phrases like, "don't your parents discipline you?", "who do you think you are?", "what kind of parent lets their child....?" will not honor the parents, or the child. Sure, you may think those things and you could be right, however it will not give you the authority or ability to kindly discipline someone's child. Also, do not assume that your methods of discipline are the right ones - never tell a parent the "best way" to discipline their child, unless of course they ask for your input.
3. Consider Your Motive
Are you wanting to discipline the child because their behavior is unsafe or unkind? Or are you just not in agreement with the rules or of the parent? If I see an older child hurting a younger child or animal, I have no problem stepping in. I may say something like, "Hey, I bet you are usually Mom's (or Dad's) big helper!" to which they usually respond with a "yes" or even just stop what they are doing to look at you. "So do you think this is helpful or do you think maybe it's going to (take longer to get the shopping done) (housework done)(insert some other activity more fitting)?" All said with a smile, and look to the parent with a non-judging smile to let them know you acknowledge them. You could then ask the child what kind of things might be helpful instead. You will not always get a positive response, however my experience is that I usually end up joking with the parent and the child stops their behavior, even for a short time.
4. Keep Your Hands (and feet!) To Yourself
Never, I repeat never, touch a child that is not your own. Unless, of course, you are catching them from a fall or pulling them out of the path of a moving vehicle. Touching, hitting, kicking (yes, I have seen this done) another person's child is unacceptable and inappropriate. Not only does it often upset the parent and child, you could also find yourself facing criminal charges if the parent chooses to. What if the child is kicking you or hitting you? I know the first impulse is to stop them by grabbing their arm or hand, however my suggestion would be to walk over to the parent and say something along the lines of, "I know I am bigger than your child, but it really does hurt when he/she kicks/slaps me. Would you put a stop to it?" I know your impulse is to be angry (and who wouldn't be?) but try to smile and be lighthearted. There are some parents who really are apathetic in discipline, but mostly I've noticed the parent is already overwhelmed either with juggling their kids or at wits end with that child.
5. Location
If you are in the mall, a park, or anywhere else public, you will most likely not step in to discipline another's child unless it is for safety reasons. If you are in your own home, or the behavior is affecting yourself or your child you have every right to speak up. My nephew used to be quite rude and slap my boys (who are much bigger and could hurt him if they chose to), and talk back to my mother. I would explain to him that the boys were being respectful of his age and size, but if he continued to hurt them, I would give them permission to hurt him back. It usually solved the problem. When he was rude to my mother, I would tell him, "In this house, we use manners. We speak kind things to each other and are not rude. You don't have to follow these rules, you can go home instead. We'd love to have you stay and visit though, so I need you to respect our house rules." That gave him a choice, and he mostly made the right one. There was one time he got pouty and we drove him home. He did not push it the next time he was over.
Done with the right heart, the right motive and not overstepping the physical boundaries, disciplining someone else's child does not have to be an offensive situation. Keep in mind that you should not judge the other parent since you do not know the entire situation. They could be exhausted from emotional stress, a single parent at their wits end, lacking the knowledge or skills for proper discipline from growing up in a similar environment, or maybe unaware of their child's behavior. I was often thankful when someone stepped in out of kindness and concern. i learned a great deal and I appreciate the constructive advice I was given and shown. The old adage "It takes a village to raise a child" was made clear to me then, and I hope it helps others as well.
Learn more about this author, Tina Martin.
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No
There are certainly some situations in which it becomes necessary to discipline the child of another parent. If a child is throwing rocks at your car, you're going to say something. But that's just plain common sense.
However, generally speaking, disciplining the child of another parent should be avoided. Let me tell you about something I witnessed several years ago.
I was working at a local donut shop at five o'clock in the morning. There were only a few people in the shop when a man and woman came in with a little boy who couldn't have been more than nine or ten. He was very boisterous and loud as he pushed ahead of his parents and came charging into the donut shop, throwing himself at the counter, kicking at the glass display case.
The parents seemed to be struggling with him, but he would squirm away and jump against the counter, shouting out the donuts he wanted. My first thought was that the parents needed to be stricter with this child and not allow him to behave like a wild animal.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one who felt that way. A woman approached the boy angrily and instead of addressing his parents with her concerns, she verbally attacked the little boy, telling him how disruptive he was being and that children should not act that way, especially in a public place.
The father stood between the woman and his son and told his wife to take the boy back to the car. The little boy cried and pitched a fit as he was being taken outside. When the woman and her son had left, the man, with noticeable irritation, told the woman that they had just come from the hospital where the little boy had suffered a terrible asthma attack and the medication (steroids) was causing him to behave that way.
In trying to keep the little boy calm during the attack, the parents had promised he could pick out his donuts when he got better. They knew he would be hyper and were trying their best to deal with it. But the man didn't want his son subjected to the woman's scorn and had his wife take the little boy outside.
The woman felt bad of course, seeing the little boy in the front seat of the car parked at the front window, crying and pointing at the donuts he had wanted to choose. She apologized and asked that they bring him back in and let him finish picking them out.
The point is, while disruptive children may be an annoyance, if their parents are with them, you have absolutely no business saying anything to the child and nine times out of ten, you really have no business saying anything to the parent. It is sad to say, but a lot of children are on medication today (some needlessly) which affects their behavior.
While it is true that some parents just don't discipline their children and it can be a terrible nuisance, most of the time, the parent is doing what they think best for their child and we have no right to dictate or force our opinions upon them as to how to raise their children.
Disciplinin g the child of another parent is wrong on many levels. If the child has been left in your care, the parents feel confident in your ability to decide proper discipline if needed. But to step in uninvited to correct what you consider wrong behavior in another parent's child is wrong.
Also, children become confused easily and don't know what to think of a stranger being upset with them enough to scold or correct their behavior. Discipline, coming from anyone other than their parents, can cause emotional problems for the child, making them afraid of social situations.
To discipline the child of a stranger is completely inappropriate. Even if the child is doing something dangerous, the proper response is to intervene on the child's behalf, but chastising the child is not your place. The parent is the one who should correct the child.
While most parents keep an eagle eye on their young children, it is impossible to watch them constantly. Therefore, there will be times when a child will misbehave, like opening packages in a department store while the parent is preoccupied. Telling the child to stop is not your place. Bringing it to the attention of the parent is the appropriate way to handle it.
Under no circumstances, other than the child's safety, should you ever put your hands on someone else's child. Seeing a child tugging at a large glass vase which could fall and break is a safety issue, but grabbing the child, or slapping their hand is wrong. Taking hold of the vase, easing it away from them, is the right thing to do.
Some people believe that simply being an adult gives them the right to scold or chastise another person's child. But being an adult does not give you the right to impose your opinion of what is wrong behavior unto someone else's child. It is also a quick way to draw unwanted hostility from the child's parent.
Should you discipline another parent's child? In most situations, no, you should not.
Learn more about this author, Pat Lunsford.
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