No

by Ruth Woodhouse

Created on: February 24, 2008

There are certainly situations in which it's appropriate for somebody to discipline another person's child. It should be done with considerable care though. I think maybe some people are too ready to make it their own business to pull somebody else's child into line - even in front of the child's parent(s). What's more, they may tend to do so without sensitivity or tact - and often for minor misdemeanors. This can be offensive to the parent and could certainly damage a friendship.

As for those people who take it upon themselves to publicly correct the behaviour of a child they don't even know in a shopping centre or other place, that is really over-stepping the mark - unless the child is doing something dangerous or criminal without any response from a parent. You never know whether that child might have a condition such as autism or some other disability that affects their behaviour. The parents of such children are under enormous pressure and can do well without interfering strangers loudly berating their child and their parenting skills.

There are circumstances though when it's quite appropriate to tell a child to stop doing something or to chastise them. I think smacking them would, in most cases, be going too far though. That could even be regarded as abuse. Here in Australia corporal punishment in schools has been outlawed for several years now - so I think hitting somebody else's child in a private setting could be rather dubious too. If you did you would certainly need to have a strong relationship with the parents and be sure of where you stood on taking such action. There may be times when you itch to smack a naughty, obnoxious child that's way out of line - but it's generally not really wise to do so.

I sometimes remember an incident many years ago when my mother was going into a bank in her home town. A big boy near her made some very rude comment to his mate about my mother's size. She was so outraged she whacked him around the legs with her plastic shopping bag before continuing into the bank. No doubt he deserved it and I expect it hurt his pride more than his body. I'll bet he thought twice about making such a comment again. Nevertheless, in this day and age somebody could be charged with assault for doing something like that, whether they deserved it or not.

This makes me think of a notorious Australian teenager, by the name of Corey who has been in the news too much lately because of his reprehensible attitude. Having advertised a party on MySpace while his parents were away, he sees no reason to apologize for the damage done to his home. Many of us found it amusing when a TV journalist interviewing him days after the event told him he should take a good long hard look at himself. Journalists are not really known for being so frank with giving young hoodlums the kind of advice that the average viewer would be thinking was appropriate.

While this now infamous 16-year-old may be reveling in the hero status awarded him by a minority - mostly consisting of equally irresponsible youths - many disgusted Aussies have found satisfaction in logging onto a website called "slapcorey.com". Apparently there is a new version coming out soon which will allow individuals to substitute the face of somebody they know who could do with a smack or a kick up the rear end. Maybe, if you have a friend with out-of-control brats whose behaviour drives you to distraction you could deal with it inoffensively by logging on to that website.

If you know somebody well and your relationship is such that they would not be fazed by you correcting their child for some misdemeanor, then by all means, go ahead. Don't overdo it though. Even the most easy-going person can become sensitive where their own kids are concerned. It's one thing for a parent to bemoan their child's faults and frustrating behaviour - but it's an entirely different matter when somebody outside the family runs them down.

A lot depends too on whether the misbehavior that needs correcting is serious in some way. Is the child likely to be endangered? I would not hesitate to stop a child doing something (even if I didn't know them) if they were at risk of injury or worse. I most certainly have done so before today. In such a case I'm sure most parents would only be thankful for you doing so. After all, they don't always see everything their child is doing when they are out.

If what they are doing could damage somebody else's property then it's certainly fair to chastise them as well. Also, if their misbehaviour continues without any correction by the parent and is socially disturbing then it's quite fair to say something to pull them into line. You still need to show as much diplomacy as possible though.

If a child has been involved with your own children in doing something naughty, it might be appropriate to discipline them verbally as a group. However, if you see fit to apply a punishment of some sort, it would be best to check with the other parent(s) first to establish that they have no objection to their child(ren) being meted out that punishment too. They may prefer to apply a punishment of their own. Certainly it's not okay to just go ahead and smack them unless you've already been given the go-ahead by the parent.

When I was a child I was playing with some children from a large family who lived in the same boarding house that my mother and I did. Suddenly their mother appeared and yelled at us all. She then proceeded to give us all a belting. To this day I really don't know what it was for - and I have always felt that it was unjustified for her to include me in the punishment for whatever it was that she was angry about.

On the other hand, I remember another occasion, a few years later, when my mother was minding a toddler we knew well. When the child's mother dropped her off at our place she threw a huge tantrum, which went on and on. Mum was pulling some dead dahlias out of her front garden at the time. In the end, because the tantrum was not abating and the child could not be reasoned with, Mum picked up a nearby dead flower and gave her a whack with it. As Mum said, when she laughingly told the child's mother about it, she certainly didn't hurt anything more than the two-year-old's feelings. The tot immediately dissolved in tears and was no further trouble. Certainly there was no offence taken by her mother when she was told about it and we have often laughed over that incident down the years.

It really is an individual matter and there are circumstances where it's appropriate to discipline somebody else's child. Maybe this is more warranted than ever in today's society where children often spend a significant amount of time with people other than their own parents. Many kids are very much in need of somebody to discipline them too - and it's well-known that kids often take more notice of other people chastising them than they do of their own parents. There is a lot of truth in the saying that it takes a whole village (or community) to raise a child (to be a respectable, law-abiding citizen).

However, I'd say that people do need to proceed with a good helping of wisdom, caution and sensitivity in the majority of cases where they are inclined to deal out discipline of any kind to another person's child.

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