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Child Behavior & Discipline (Other)
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Add to FavoritesI can say that I have effectively disciplined my now 17 year old daughter, soon to be 18 in August by being her best friend and her mother at the same time. She is proud to tell anyone who will listen that her mother is her best friend. She has told me everything in her life that she has done. The right and the wrong, the good and the bad, whether she would be disciplined or not. Fortunately, there were not many instances where punishment was an issue.
Now, I did not "hang out with her teenage friends". I was just there for her to talk to. I was there when the boyfriends broke her heart. I was there for the first kiss. I was who she wanted with her when she went to get her hair done for prom and her make up done. I was who she asked to take her shopping for her prom dress even though she chose to pay for it. I was the person she called when she got her first job and she was so excited and I was who she called when her best friend got killed in a car accident. I was the only one she wanted to talk to.
I have had to discipline her also. She has made a few bad choices. Choices she could have kept hidden from me. Choices I never would have found out about, but I was the one she called to tell about on those instances also. One time she was in a vehicle driven by an underage driver. They never left the school parking lot, just drove around the parking lot and the other girl drove the vehicle into a building. The school had not intentions of calling me and telling me for some reason. No discipline was going to happen, for some reason. I never had to find out. She called me at work when she got home from school, in tears, and told me what happened. She overdrew her bank account. It was her account, not mine, I never had to know about it. She was paying it all back. She never asked me for a penny. She told me about it knowing what I would do and I did do. I took her debit card away. She did it again, I made her close the account until she could become more responsible with her money and I became her bank and she had to withdrawal her money with a deposit slip and use her checkbook just like a bank until she could figure out how to manage her money. At those points, I was no longer the "friend" I was the "mother".
As a parent, you can be their best friend so they feel comfortable telling you things and talking to you and keeping an open line of communication but you also have to remind them that you are also a parent which means discipline must also happen. I can honestly say that because of this mutual respect, in all 17 almost 18 years, my daughter has never raised her voice at me nor have I at her. She is a very well mannered, very respected and mature adult. She has never called into sick at work and has held a job of 25-30 hours a week even during school. She has maintained a great GPA and managed to do volunteer work as well, of her choosing.
My 10 year old son and I are developing the same relationship and I must say my 2 children have a very close relationship as well. It will be hard for them both when she leaves for college next month. She contemplated not leaving but staying at a local college but after a long discussion, we felt it would be best for her to spread her wings and venture into the world and discover new friends and use her wisdom and maturity in great ways! I know she will do great things and be fine. I am not at all worried about her. She knows she will always have a friend and a mother at home! Now I am off to raise my son to be productive and respectful as well.
Learn more about this author, Tonya Nystrom.
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No
Parents effectively discipline teenagers when they are not their teens' best friends. Of course, in any productive relationship, a level of trust, love, respect, and understanding must be present. Without these, a battleground ensues whether among family members or so-called friends.
Parents are responsible for each of their children until they reach the age of majority, which arrives only a couple of years before a person turns twenty. Considering all the changes which occur during teenage years, without a responsible parent acting on their behalf children could easily turn out to be emotional basket cases who have little sense of right and wrong; whose self images are at an all time low because they didn't feel they had consistent guidelines to follow throughout their young lives.
Experience dictates how easily a person can be persuaded by their peers and, if all such suggestions were of a moral nature, a problem wouldn't exist. However, due to the increasing negative influences in society coming from media and other sources, your child and his or her peers are at risk. Thus, for all children, a responsible parent is a necessity.
Imagine for a moment that you are your fifteen-year-old daughter's best friend. She says it looks cool to smoke and you tell her it's not as cool as it looks. She may decide you are right and that's the end of the issue.
Now, imagine she tells you that she is planning to begin dating a guy four years older than herself. You advise her against it saying that it's not a wise decision. He's considered an adult while she's a minor. Complications can develop. She disagrees with you, pointing out that she can take care of herself and no one can force her into doing anything against her wishes. You become a little more stern and command her not to begin dating the guy. She storms off in a rage, claiming you don't understand. She wonders why she has to listen to you anyway because she sees you as her friend, not a mother, and people don't have to listen to their friends.
You are devastated and, finally, your eyes open to the point of seeing just how being her closest friend has negatively impacted her life. She doesn't regard you as a figure of authority in her life and you're devastated. Despite the changes you make trying to change the situation, it may have little good impact on the way your daughter sees you. In fact, it could make things worse because, instead of seeing you as a friend, she may see you as a hypocrite. You learn that you are between a rock and a hard place and it seems you can't do right regardless of your decisions. You live with regret for having taken the easy way out in dealing with your daughter.
Understanda bly, as a parent, you can share fun activities with your children, regardless of their ages. You can be an inspiration to them, and they to you. You can compromise on minor issues at home where safety and health are not a concern. Your children can turn to you in times of trouble and stress and you can listen to them as a friend would. You can be friendly to your child. However, your children must see you as a person they should not only respect but one who has responsibility for their well-being; a person who loves them and would stand between them and a freight train if it meant keeping them safe.
Learn more about this author, Norma Budden.
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