No

by Lisa H Warren

Created on: July 16, 2008   Last Updated: November 06, 2008

Yelling detracts from a parent's ability to have his words and rules respected, and it does little to reinforce teaching respect for others.

One mistake parents make is to believe that yelling will get them taken seriously. Parents who yell all the time have children who learn to tune out the yelling. Worse, they stop taking their parent seriously. The parent who rarely yells but has an authoritative, intimidating, booming voice when he does may intimidate children into behaving, but intimidation is not the most effective form of discipline. Discipline is supposed to be about teaching - not scaring.

It is true that parents who generally never yell, but who suddenly do, may shock their children into taking them seriously; but making children fear that their parent has suddenly developed a new personality is not the healthiest approach.

Then there are parents who yell all the time. When parents yell all the time their children learn to ignore it. As a result, ever-yelling parents may escalate the yelling, thinking that's what it will take. More ominous, parents who feel the increasing need to escalate the yelling may go beyond volume and begin using cutting words too.

Even the youngest of children see yelling as the lack of parental control that it is. On top of that, when people of any age are yelled at they are less interested in cooperating with the yeller. Out-of-control people, and those who choose to yell because that's the only thing they know, do not gain the respect of children.

The reason children younger than four years old act up is usually a matter of lack of sufficient supervision and/or attention. More than one child under four is often an invitation for yet more acting up. Mothers who do something like work in the kitchen as two three-year-olds play in the bedroom will discover, sooner or later, that too much unsupervised times can lead to acting up.

It is possible to supervise little kids well, without having to sit down and play with them. Having them set up sit-down toys nearby helps them feel as if they're with their parent while they play. Three-year-olds love to talk to their mother as they build their blocks or color. Having two young children play nearby works well too. That doesn't mean a parent can't say, "I'm going to go put the laundry in. I'll be back in a minute."

Two-year-old s need a parent nearby a good part of the time because (besides needing to be watched) being two is frustrating, and two-year-olds aren't emotionally able to handle some frustrations on their own. Three-year-olds just absolutely love beng with their mother (and their father). While two-year-olds need Mom's help with the frustrating things, three-year-olds are just enjoying being a little more capable as little people. It's as if they're having their first real experience with socializing. The absolutely admire their parents and want to be with them - just to be with them. In other words, for different reasons, two- and three-year olds need the attention and supervision of a parent more than many parents realize.

Four-year-ol ds still need their parents' attention, but they have more interest in expanding their world. Four-year-olds are a little stronger in their personalities, and they're not above mischief. A mix of young children of any age brings with it the added need for a parent to step in once in a while.

So, for all these reasons, one of the best ways to prevent the urge to yell is to supervise children a little more, and to spend a little more time enjoying them as well.

Parents also need to take on a role of "friendly leader of the team". Parents have the capability of setting the stage when it comes to who is the leader. Being a leader, of course, means setting an example, as well as establishing some basic rules. Having a sure, take-it-for-granted, attitude about being the one who sets some basic rules helps parents be taken seriously and respected.

One four-year-old can be a terror for one adult, but then when he's with someone he thinks of as special he may be an absolute sweetheart. When children start out they see their parents as people who are very special. When parents behave in a way that makes their children see them as "mean" or "out of control" children become disappointed and angry and have no qualms about taking advantage of their parent.

If a little kid is putting his feet (and shoes) on the television screen, and if it doesn't work when Mom says, "Please don't do that. It will scratch the screen"; then Mom needs to calmly remove the child from the "scene of the crime", lead him to another part of the house, and authoritatively state, "You can't stay near the television. We aren't having feet on the screen." Telling the child, ""if you can't keep your feet off the screen then I will need to lock the door on the room" will let him know the consequences in the future. Being calm, consistent, and authoritative are what make the difference.

Having reasonable rules is also important. When parents are on their children's backs about every last pea they eat or whether they leave their hat on at all times, children start to feel badgered. They tune out. Having a few basic, reasonable, rules are easy for children to understand.

For preschoolers, having rules that are about not hurting other people or animals, not doing things that may lead to destroying property, having a basic day-to-day routine, and behaving in a civilized way in public are good guidelines for rules. Most children really don't want to hurt anyone, so once they're past two most children find this an easy rule. The basic day-to-day routine isn't generally a big issue. It involves having a few meals, taking a bath, and being in bed at a decent hour. For most children, bedtime is the only thing that may be an issue. Even then, parents who have established a routine don't have a problem.

Stopping children from playing in a way that will destroy property helps them learn how to take care of their own and others' belongings. It isn't a difficult rule to stick with. Finally, expecting civilized behavior in public is only a matter of expecting children not to run around or scream at places like the bank or supermarket. They are still free to run wild at the park or in the backyard.

When children have only some basic, reasonable, rules they usually have no trouble following them. Even the youngest children understand how reasonable it is to request they not hurt someone or risk breaking things.

Most importantly, children respect and admire parents who set some reasonable limits and remain consistent on those few points. They appreciate a parent who gives them the attention they need. They enjoy spending time with the parent who is friendly and nice (rather than yelling); and when they get lots of attention and "nice" time with their parent they are far more likely to cooperate on those few, reasonable, basic, rules.

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