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Adoption
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RSS FeedDoes open adoption aid in acceptance or add to confusion for the child?
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| Acceptance | 69% | 163 votes | Total: 235 votes | |
| Confusion | 31% | 72 votes |
Acceptance
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Adoption is a bitter-sweet process for all involved. As an adoptee myself, I know firsthand the emotions that come with an open adoption. In my case, both of my families helped raise me until I was three and my younger sister was adopted. After that my biological family pulled away so that my younger sister wouldn't feel jealous since her adoption was a closed adoption. It was sixteen years before I got back in contact with my biological family.
I had no memories of my biological mother, and being raised knowing that I was adopted and not knowing where I came from was very painful. I always have and always will unconditionally love my adoptive family. However, no amount of love can change the loneliness felt when you realize that for some reason, your biological family decided that they didn't want to raise you. Regardless of the validity of the reason an adopted child was given up, it is almost impossible for them to keep from feeling at some point that they don't fit in. For me those moments came every holiday from a hateful aunt who once told me how grateful I should feel that my adoptive family rescued me from a life of poverty and sin. And then tried to steal my inheritance once my grandmother and her mother-in-law had passed, saying that I wasn't true family and therefore didn't deserve anything that was left to me because I was adopted.
As an adult, when I finally got back in touch with my biological family, it was like watching all the puzzle pieces of my life falling together. The similarities I had with a mother I couldn't remember were shocking. Suddenly I didn't feel so out of place. I had a brother and a sister who looked like me, and a nature loving tattooed and pierced parent that contrasted sharply with the straight laced upbringing I had with my adoptive family. The fact that I was an artist and a vegetarian was no longer strange and extreme, and suddenly I was no longer the family freak.
That is not to say that being reunited with my birth family fixed everything. There were still a lot of obstacles to overcome. During the sixteen years we were separated my birth mother had six other pregnancies, two of them were miscarriages and two of the babies died very young of a rare genetic disorder. I was completely devastated by this news and it was very difficult to understand how to process that grief. Then there was the fact that most of my biological family didn't know I existed. My biological grandmother swore my mother to secrecy about her pregnancy with me, telling aunts uncles and cousins that my biological mother wasn't pregnant and had instead been in and out of the hospital because of a bladder tuck. To this day I have biological family that has no idea who I am.
Adoption, open or closed, isn't a perfect solution. My biological mother spent years terrified that I would hate her for giving me up, my adoptive parents felt guilty for taking me away from my biological family, and I struggled to find my place in my family. However I was lucky enough to have adoptive parents that put their own desires and insecurities aside so that I could have a relationship with my biological family and discover where I came from so that I am more confident in the woman I am becoming.
Learn more about this author, Anna Taylor.
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Confusion
Granted I was not adopted and I'm lucky enough to have parents that are still married, but I have been around foster kids and adopted kids and I have seen how emotionally damaging it can be. Depending on a person's situation, I can see why one would believe that it's better to be adopted than aborted and I'm sure a person that has been adopted and well-cared for would argue with a person that thinks adoption is a guaranteed way to put a child through a life-time of hell but most people have known at least one adopted child that has been a victim of abuse. Being in an unforgiving foster home or being adopted by the wrong people could be life-threatening; not to mention having to go to several different foster homes because it doesn't ever work out. To me, that life seems a sad one.
I'm not sure young children should know that they are adopted until they are of an age where they can understand what that means and why it happened. Even then, it seems that it would be damaging to their self-esteem. I can only imagine what it would feel like to know that your biological parents didn't want you but to know who they are seems even worse. I believe that open adoption would be confusing. If a 16 year old girl has a child and knows she can't take care of it and believes the responsible thing to do would be to give that child up for adoption and they have an open adoption, what happens when that girl grows up to be in her late 20's and realizes that she wants that child now; how is that going to make both sides feel when they know each other but can't be together?
To me, it seems that a child would have a healthier life by growing up with the adoptive parents and not knowing any different until they can understand why adoption was necessary for them. At that point in their lives they might not even care where their biological parent is because they have accepted their family as their own. I feel that if I were to find out that I was adopted today, I wouldn't care to know who my real parents were because I have a family of my own who loves me and wants me. What good would it do to go searching for someone who was disappointed that I was ever made? What purpose does it serve to know someone just because you have their genes? I have always believed that just because someone is your family doesn't mean you have to love them or spend time with them if they treat you poorly. You should be with the people that make you happy and those that are your friends can be considered your family. If everyone felt this way then they wouldn't be so concerned with how their nasty mother-in-law treats them or how they never measure up to their father's standards. Who cares? If you're happy with the people that surround you then there is no use in knowing someone who didn't have enough maturity to take responsibility for their actions and take care of you when they got pregnant. Maybe some would consider that hateful and not allowing for a second chance but to me it is just confusing to go on having a relationship with that person.
My sister in law has not seen her father since she was seven or so years old and she has had several replacement fathers through out her mother's different relationships but simply knowing who her father is has never helped her build any sort of relationship with him. She even has his address and knows that he lives within an hour away but she doesn't feel that it's necessary to go meet him at this point in her life because she doesn't feel it would help anything. In fact, I believe she feels that it might feed her insecurity about why he left and that he didn't want to keep in touch with her. She's afraid of that rejection again so it doesn't help her to have that knowledge. This is very similar to an open adoption where the child knows who the parent is but of course realizes that the parent gave them up for some reason. Not only is that confusing but it is hurtful because they already feel rejected and if they meet that parent and feel rejected again, it could be devastating. As I said before, I believe it is much wiser to allow the child to grow in their own adopted family and leave the past behind them.
Learn more about this author, Kristen Stamey.
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