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Does open adoption aid in acceptance or add to confusion for the child?
Results so far:
| Acceptance | 67% | 194 votes | Total: 290 votes | |
| Confusion | 33% | 96 votes |
Acceptance
by Lori Salsgiver
Created on: October 20, 2010
As a mother who voluntarily gave her first child up for adoption to a wonderful couple six years ago, I've experienced the joy of an open adoption arrangement. Though my 1st daughter is still too young to understand her unique situation, I keep an open dialogue with the adoptive parents. At the time I gave her up for adoption, I was unmarried and unfortunately the father did not want take responsibility for the baby. I had to be unselfish and make the best decision for my child and her future. The adoption agency I went through encouraged an open adoption however they made it clear that open adoption was not applicable for every situation.
There are many reasons why mothers choose to voluntarily place their child up for adoption. Statistically teen mothers surrender their children to be placed up for adoption. Still growing up themselves, they may not be able to take care of a child yet. I applaud teen mothers who place their children up for adoption however I don't believe most teens are emotionally developed enough to handle an open adoption. It is hard to see someone else raise your child and not want to step in. Another situation in which a mother might place a child up for adoption would be if she was raped and was unable to raise a child. Who can blame a rape victim for placing a child up for adoption? In this situation, it probably would not be best to have an open adoption either. Then there are us women who accidentally got pregnant and realized we were not in a position to raise a child but wanted to what was best for them. Open adoption could be a good solution for us. There are children relinquished from their biological parents due to abuse and neglect who probably should not be in an open adoption arrangement.
Open adoption allows you to have open dialogue with the adoptive parents. You can receive pictures and updates on your biological child. You can talk on the phone with the adoptive parents to get updates on the child’s growth. I talk to my adoptive couple once every 3-6 months and we send pictures back and forth. I have since gotten married and had two children of my own. We talk about our families and share stories about the children. It has been a great experience for me but again it’s not for everyone.
We’ve already talked about the possibility of meeting each other when my biological daughter is older. We agreed that we would decide on the best course of action when that time came but we want her to make that decision. The other advantage to keeping an open line of communication is we can share medical information. I had a stroke while pregnant with my third child and it was discovered that I had a hole in my heart that is possibly hereditary. I was able to contact the adoptive mom and let you know that it would be a good idea to have her adopted daughter tested. Sure enough, she had a hole in her heart as well but luckily it had closed on its own.
So you ask, is it hard or easy for a child to accept this arrangement? Well, it will be different for every child in every situation. I’ve heard of parents who start out with an open adoption situation and the birth mother over time stops maintaining contact with the adopted couple or vice versa. Every child will react different to the news of being adopted too if they were adopted at birth. If the birth mother is still involved, it can make for an open dialogue among the adopted child and biological mom beneficial! It will give the child an opportunity to ask questions about his/her adoption situation. If the child was adopted at an older age because the parents were neglectful or abusive then an open adoption would not be in their best interest. In that case, it would only add confusion to the child.
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Confusion
by Diva B.
Created on: November 12, 2007
I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I had no real clue how to react. I was only about 6 years old; what the heck did I know about the word adopted, or what its repercussions meant? Apparently, nothing.
My mother wanted to make sure that I was aware of absolutely all the things that went on in my life from an early age (probably where my control issues stem from now, but I digress). So why should knowing that she and my father had not conceived me in the most traditional sense be any different? So there we were having a very elegant tea party, when I guess it seemed like the right very grown up moment in my tiny little pre-school life. I asked her what it meant as only a mildly confused young child could, "Mommy? Does that mean you wanna give me back?" She nervously laughed it off and gave me an emphatic "no," but I just knew the truth. She was going to send me back to these mystery people who had supposedly given me to her and my father for some kind of "safe keeping" until I could return to my home planet and... Wait. My mother shook her head. "Your home planet is here. On Earth. Weirdo. And they didn't give you to us for safe keeping. Well, sorta. I mean they wanted you to be safe but... They loved you; they just couldn't take care of you."
"But isn't that why mommies and daddies have babies? They loved me but they let you have me? But if I'm not really yours, are you sure you love me? And who loves me more? And what about my home planet? Don't they miss me?"
Wow. This simple discussion over pretend tea had gotten really serious. Barbie fell out of her chair. My Cabbage Patch Kid, Katy, was starting to look a little uncomfortable. Her eyes were wide open and she had this intense look like she was holding her breath, her cheeks were bulging. I picked her up and looked at my mother. "Katy's 'dopted, right? She came with a sifikit, right? Where's my sifikit, mommy?"
"Your 'certificate' is with all the other stuff I keep that is important about you. And stop talking about this 'home planet.' You live here. We love you and you're ours. Katy's adopted, yes. And you still love her, right?"
"Of course, mommy. She's my baby."
"Just like you. You're my baby. And I love you even more than you love Katy. See? It makes sense now, right?"
It didn't. Not fully, but it made enough sense to get me through the day, through a few years, actually. Unfortunately, by the time I was old enough to have adult questions about my adoption, my adoptive parents were both deceased and I had no one around in my immediate family who knew anything at all about the process. It was a frustrating and very trying time. It still is, as the laws of my state make it extremely difficult for adoptees to find out information about their adoption or their birth families.
Being of the situation, I believe that while the confusion caused in youth may be easily explained away, when an adoptee becomes an adult we often want answers that a lot of us never receive. The laws should be changed to not only protect the rights of the parents, but to protect the mental, emotional and physical health of the adoptee. While some states have provisions in their disclosure laws allowing adoptees limited access to their medical records, most do not. Furthermore, the bureaucracy involved once the search has begun leaves a lot of people feeling hopeless. Months can be spent waiting on information to arrive which you can never be sure is full and accurate. Dead-ends are a common issue. In some cases, I have watched the searcher fall into deep depression, feeling like they are going in circles with no end in sight. Most adoptees do not want to cause rifts in their birth families' lives, but want the closure and family information that they are entitled to. At times, we feel treated like criminals for wanting access to information that we never gave up our rights to have access to. Reforms of adoption laws would bring peace of mind to those of us who feel that a part of ourselves have been missing. It can be hard knowing that you have an immediate family out there whom you have never met, especially because most adopted children live within miles of their birth families.
To this day, Katy and I comfort each other by swapping our adoption stories with each other. And she still has that same uncomfortable look. I have received some information and plan to continue my search. The hope is that the void my story has created in my heart can be filled by one day finding the truth. I have been confused in my life by some of the things I have learned as an adoptee, but believe that it is a necessary void. Without that confusion, I may have really never known who I am.
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