Would you stop your adopted minor child's search for biological parents?

No

1 of 12

by Sherri Bonis

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Being the child of an adoptee, my opinion comes from the anguish I've seen brewing in my family for a long time. My mother didn't want to know, for one reason or another and my grandparents expressed how much it would hurt them had she wanted to find her birth parents. To me, expressing your displeasure to your adopted child regarding their search for their birth parents is selfish. It means that you aren't willing to let your child find answers to questions that inevitably are brewing in their head. It also means that you aren't confident or mature enough in your role as a parent to deal with the idea that someone other than you might want to play a role in their lives as well.

I was raised by my grandparents because my mother was young and irresponsible when I was born. My parents had divorced shortly after I turned one, and my grandparents decided to play the stable adults role in my life. Thank God. Throughout my life I was witness to my mother's bad decisions and inner struggles, but could do nothing to help her myself. Her low self esteem left her susceptible to devious men and unhealthy friendships. She harbors a deep rooted hatred for my grandparents without consciously knowing it. She's left without answers and with abandonment issues that have grown exponentially through the years.

I watch these reunion shows, where children reconnect with birth parents, and laugh. It amuses me because it seems like everyone lived happily ever after and that's just not reality. My whole life I wanted to meet my father. I hadn't seen him since I was two, and wanted to know why he hadn't tried to be a part of my life. It bothered me that I never got a card or a photo or anything my entire childhood and I wanted to tell him face to face how much that hurt.

I searched for years on the internet, without my mother knowing. One day I happened to stumble upon a message written to me from a possible sibling. Through correspondence and eventually phone calls, I found my dad and his new family. I met with them a few months later with all the anticipation in the world. I wanted a knight in shining armor. I wanted him to have all the right answers and shower me with apologies so that I could grow to love him and become part of his life. It didn't happen quite like that, however.

I did meet him, he did apologize and I did get to hang out with my 4 brothers and sisters. But as I looked at pictures of them through the years, and checked out the house and conditions they lived in, something hit me. I realized how blessed I had been throughout my childhood. My grandparents had given me a life far better than this man could have, far better than any of my siblings had. I felt saddened and thankful at the same time.

Had I not met him, I always would have wondered. Had I not met him, I never would have been able to appreciate the life my grandparents had given to me. Had I not met him I never would have known how much better my life had been without him. I would have like to have grown up with my siblings, but I've developed a relationship with them in my adult life.

I wish my mother had been able to have the same type of opportunity. It brought closure to open ended issues in my life. It made me whole over time and helped me focus on the family values that I wanted for my own children. Men that weren't father and husband material were no longer of any interest to me. I found a man that loved me, wanted the same things I did, and that had the potential to be an excellent father. My child just had his first birthday and the thought makes me smile. I know that my husband and I can offer him a life full of love and adventure, together. And if for some reason he and I don't work out, we've vowed to make sure each of us plays an equal part in his life. Something my own parents should have done.

Parents who adopt need to remember that while this child is legally theirs, that same child would not exist if it weren't for 2 people that had made the decision to give that child up.

Cautious adoptive parents may feel that they are going to lose the child they spent years loving and raising. They may also fear that the child might get hurt by their birth parents in some way. They need to realize that they are actually helping their child put all the pieces together, something they vowed to do when they took that child in. Protecting a child in this situation means being there if all the pieces hit the floor. There are only things to be learned when meeting birth parents. If you've raised a child with love and understanding, then they will thank you for being there and for helping them through it all.

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